full blown crotch rot
it was a bad case this time
said they hadn't seen anything like it in years

my skin was melting as they put me under
my blood ran molten hot through my veins
a rush of blood to my head made me

break the restraints but they tied them up tighter this time
here comes round two of the boys and their pinwheel powered electric chair
can the human body withstand such voltage, moreover, can I withstand such voltage?
you can never be sure

for extra

Surprise! Surprise; this life should not come as one

cigarettes are good for two things one is to relax and the other is to **** rats
tobacco killed all the rats in my apartment complex
nicotine soaked into my dumb ******* clothes, the same ones i wear every day you know
the rats that nested in my sock drawer couldn't stand the harsh nicotine yellowing of my white garments so they all died too
like little soldiers all in a row

i say it to contextualize it as something real
and not just another racing thought in my head

i say it loudly
i say it as loud as i can
without screaming
screaming is frowned upon here

The one who ate the lights
Always in the way
The floorboards creak and sway
and the windowpanes shatter

The one who ate the lights
The one that got away
Tucking your children in at night

The one who ate the lights
Look whose telling you your rights
Melodrama is the middle ground
Can this life truly be found?

The one who ate the lights
Wasn't their fault at all
They'll never know the pain
or what it is to fall

The one who ate the lights
Laughing at our plight
but it might just work

The one who ate the lights
not yet accountable for actions

We'll all have to pay for it in the end

but we **** on the same pacifiers
we inhale the dust from the factory floor

wintergreen coated plastic
put it between your gum and your cheek

its all the same, but a little different
just a little

hey you

you are me

a pack of liars and thieves
you trust them all the same

unconditional

humans are by-products of a bygone era

blood concrete bash
all of my insides smell like embalming fluid
and i can't afford to carry this **** around all day anymore
i am going to get arrested if they find it

That trendy backwoods stomp
Your snake is spitting
and drowning in the rain

From on top my altar
I am the one you want
Like a peasant
In the city square

That trendy backwoods stomp
That spiteful sideways glare

Your snake is spitting
and drowning in the rain

Give the men treats for labor
Give the women something else
It will never be fair so long as they stare

That trendy backwoods stomp

fell asleep on a bed of broken glass
wrapped my hands around my throat
stabbing at love blindly with a broken ringfinger

dig me in with a shovel
put me in the ground
but don't let me rest

My body is an economy in failure

"Here's our money"

a wish that
the earth would be tied together in fraying knots, all of one cloth
and connect the fabric and cover
myself with it

that's what was said
that's what I thought

I was wrong
so wrong

all the exits to your house
burst into color
on the highway
colors only i could see, or so i thought

sparkling red, and dim, headache-inducing blue
i shot a road flare up to the skies in front of your house
and it exploded into a million stars
but you didn't look out your window

Taking
but not
talking

Waking
without
walking

Refuse the abuse
and return it to sender

Gearhead
Gearhead
Gearhead
Gearhead
Oh my little
Gearhead
What you've grown
to be
Gearhead
here for all to see
Gearhead
judge accordingly
Gearhead
Gearhead

Look at my inside
are they good enough
for you?
The city
is painted
and named
after you
You don't need a disguise
the way you look will do just fine

Gearhead
Gearhead
Gearhead
Gearhead
Oh my little
Gearhead
Gearhead
what you've grown to be
Gearhead
here for all to see
Gearhead
judge accordingly
Gearhead

the boardwalk you dragged me on to
the time we shared outside of the party
the rat poison made you walk funny
the planks that splattered your brain matter on the ferris wheel
the hole in the beach that took you down
do not worry
made sure it was deep enough
to muffle any sound that might be produced after you are buried

Pleasure
quantified
Propensity
Profit
Polyamorous

The boardwalk you dragged me on to
The time that we shared outside of the party
The rat poison made you walk funny
The planks that splattered your brain matter on the ferris wheel

Sooner or later you will realize that "the ride is not stopping;
You are going to die"

The hole in the beach
That took you down
Do not worry
Made sure it was deep enough
To muffle any sound
That will be produced
After you are buried

i fix myself up
i go out on the road
i stay in your room
i **** myself up
i **** myself up
i **** myself
up

you gave birth to the wrong kind of monster
i work myself up
i **** myself over

off of the pit
ripe down
come down
fall down

stay in the fog with me
i can see you because all of your plastic pearls glow so brightly at night

We need to talk
We need to talk
We need  to be quiet

I hear the chalkboard-nail-scrape
I hear them laughing in unison
Like a personal orchestra of pathetic, pointless humiliation

They pelt me with beer cans
They push me too far and too fast

I wish I could get back at them
with every passing moment the hatred accumulates

But they're already dead
Open caskets set to be closed and lowered
Faces with no features

They left without leaving
They left me
"Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha"

I am a coward
afraid of my disposition

your whispers are soothing
but not if the act has already been committed
words are futile if you draw arbitrary lines

and i can draw lines with you, and cross those same lines all day
if i wanted to

Parts of my body can be harvested to fix what has been missing all along
The same parts of my body that plot against me, even when I close my eyes
Are the ones they'll use to "fix me"

"Don't you want to be normal?"

Normality is more foreign than the word could even suggest
If "normal" fits into your story world then I suppose I'll tag along

My genes are sequenced against me, upside down and in reverse
I experience love through methadone filled mouth syringes
And a poisonous aftertaste that will not go away

want to die
i have nothing else to say
you want concise? here it is

am so worthless
I see you in my dreams and I
want you out of them

Coiling and hissing
Pounding and screaming
"We've all been there before"

and whispering but I am not there I am not there I am not there

You won't see me on the
crisp autumn mornings or
the evenings, the sky filled with
smoke from the paper company's smokestacks

I am not a pedestrian
I am a civil servant
I am the voice of the wrong people who worship dismantled Gods

I am not a janitor
But I will clean up the mess you've made
My commitment may stand; I may be a low-life for the rest of it
but initially my heart, about to burst, was in the right place
Originally, I did this for the right reasons

I am not a flight attendant
Those who operate the vessel will soon find that I've left
Unfortunately they will find me hard to replace
But, I think, that's how this **** goes, sometimes at least

Asking questions carefully but only submitting them as an answer to a question that I already asked to you about gender and how much I think I understand it what am I doing what have I done, all I can say is that I think it all goes away and either way I think I am nearly done

The door is open
You don't need to worry about sticking a foot in

We're here for you
but right now we've taken leaves of absence
We're here for you
but soon we'll be gone

But I can see you now
You don't have to talk to anyone about it
You don't need permission

You have my unconditional attention after all

in the later evening  when neither parent is home I laugh and I nod and I shake and I don't make a sound as my sanity is deduced to strings between my muscles

bound to incorrect gods
another unimpressive but expected sunrise
another waltz around the room

the urn was broken and the ashes of every dream I've ever had were broken with it

Integrate
Simulate
Postulate
Irritate to imitate

Grind stimulants
into my bones and
teeth after making
sure that they
are okay

Imagine the universe
Constituted by my hatred
Space and time running
backwards and beneath

Stuck at an in-between
Bitten nails and
Bloodshot eyes
Never express your suffering

Your sins are forgiven

intention to medicate but
that didn't work
you touched my hand, right by the scars

i cut my arm clean off
i don't want scars

Mankind has been taught to think for too long
so we should stop

How can you trace my
bones with your
hands

How can you touch me after what I've done

the sky cracked open
to reveal entire nothingness

what did you expect?

off the map
off the grid
forever not home

the essence of the relationship is parasitic
why pretend it to be anything else?

why do belts and switches hurt so much more at night than in the morning
this i have never understood

i'd slam my skull into the ground for each year i wanted to forget
i'd do it if my fingers weren't all broken already
trust me i'd do it

Heard you pounding at the door
and
I wanted nothing more than
to invite you in

christ almighty do you have to keep that **** on all night?
it kills my ears
it cracks my teeth
like twenty mouths open not in awe, but in disappointment

swallow your teeth but not your pride

five milligrams of xanax
straight to the neck

two packs of those awful light cigarettes, a gram of baby powder quality *******, trojans, two syringes

dig the gold out of my fillings
i can **** you if you give me a dollar first

i dragged this **** fifty miles across the border for this?
that hurts, it does, it really does

like a deep burning stabbing twisting the sort of thing

i lugged this all the way here for you
i got a flat on the side of the highway so i had to carry this to you

by hand
and you don't want it

So I was
petrified the night you left me
I was scared
I am so ******* scared

Patience is a virtue better taught than practiced

I want to sleep endlessly
Give me a drug to do all three
An abundance of violence

If it were up to me it'd be an all out war

my skin is more of a vessel that captures steam
rather than that of an actual human being
count down the days until i evaporate
and you ******* loved me
and i tried
believe me i did or do not believe me it is of no consequence
do as you feel but
always remember that

ill slam my head against the steering wheel and cry for as long as i want to
you only just told me about it inside anyway
who am i to react in front of you? and who gives a **** either way?
tell you what, i don't give two

at this point my knuckles are bleeding
from punching the shotgun seat of my corolla
because i still couldn't believe it, or at least i didn't want to

took the scenic route home from where i found out
gulped down enough xanax to **** a horse and i knew i was ready
head on, full collision, full impact

dead on arrival, still breathing, but dead; gone that is to say

the last glimpse of this world i can recall is  that of a small prism of light refracting off of my rearview mirror as i slammed into the guardrail

my brain matter coated the ends of each of my hairs on my scalp
and i could feel the needle scraping behind my left eye
i will allow you to sift through me

cacophony in a passing breeze
the smell of burning flesh won't stick around in your nostrils all that long either way

drawing pictures of our house on fire to pass some time
i want you to dance nowhere but next to me
you need to let me have you
you are mine

your whispers are so sweet
but they're all falling on deaf ears tonight

losing focus in the nosebleed section
i never reserve seats
and they give me these for free

doing time until time can't be done
it is okay to sleep in your car but only if you don't have a mattress

chest cavities are easier to bathe in if you
crack the ribs in half first
one by one
count them on your fingers

a planet of nothing in the middle of nowhere
material out of focus
spread the lines farther apart to see more clearly

all that i've ever said to you, to some degree i've meant
and most of what i've chosen not to share with you served a purpose at the time
this was one of the colder winters, anyway

all the radiators broke so we made weapons out of them
and fought amongst one another
so that we could say we tried

a person walked down the street they did not have a face
they cut off all their hair in front of me with a pair of kids rubber scissors

all the kids in front of him were built for blood
everyone behind him vomits according to the amount of hair the stranger cuts off

they stand up and take off their sunglasses and hat
they take off their pants
they are naked and they are nothing
otherwise occupied by a worthless punching bag or a warm trap

the stranger ran to my doorstep and they threw their wallet on the ground
they scrambled to grab the identification cards and such
and they proved to me that I was them