my insides and outsides tangle together
and i breathe as if i'm underwater and
it is immensely loud and quiet at the same time
quiet like the streets of the town i grew up in on sunday mornings
quiet like the times i failed to say the words stuck on my tonque outloud
loud like the times i'm trying to fall asleep but
the mistakes i made years ago keep screaming
loud like the memory of your voice saying you needed to go
quiet like the way i let you

Right now, one of you is singing and the other is still in bed.
So I'm taking the time to think about where you guys will be in a few years.
In two years, I'll hopefully be traveling, getting out of here.
But you, Jaida darling, you're going to be a sophomore..
And Celia, you'll be in your seventh grade year.
(Who knows, maybe you'll have grown)
But to what I actually wanted to tell you today..

You know I've been sad
I've been angry
I've yelled and cried
And mom has yelled and cried
And so has dad.

And you both have been through that too.
So please, please remember
That when you finally get to high school
And everything seems kind of terrible
Like it has for me
You have an older sister who's been through
At least some part of the emotions you're feeling.

And don't go looking for help
In shiny blades
And smaller portions
Because yes, yes they will give you momentary satisfaction.
The sting and the crimson beauty,
The rush of pride on the scale.
But in the end they're just problems.
Problems, not helping, but taking away from who you can truly be.

So remeber.
Life is temporary,
So revel in every minute of it.
Being sad, depressed, upset, or angry
All of those feelings are okay.
Just don't hide them.
Because I don't want to lose any of you

Love
Me.

Sunrise
6 am
we are on holiday
his hands steadily tease
my body awake

he knows it’s not always easy
to make love to me
before coffee

he must be masterful
a sun god blazing
creating heat

by the time he enters me
the room is melting
and i am as wet
as the monterey sea
that slaps rhythmically
outside the open window pane

each ****** will change me
as the crashing wave
does the beach

i need some ground
in this abyss
so I'm holding on
my fingers
clutching his rib cage
the nape of his neck

finally i surrender  
let go and moan
and moan
like the oceans soft hum.

we meet at the horizon
at the edge of pleasure
and ***.

our bodies fall soft
our breath jagged

i couldn't possibly know then
that we were only days away

from never making love again.

the white hospital room,
laid a ******* her bed
bruises, scars, scratches,
with lines and crosses
dancing across her skin
dried tears and
freckles dusted lightly
amongst her temples.
with wires wrapped
around her body,
he holds her hands,
afraid of letting her
go.

From within the safety of the train compartment
Memories, written in stone, glide by
There’s the Roman church
With the statue of the priest and his dog
And the enigmatic farm
Where llamas and ostriches stride
And that one funky albino kangaroo
And after that comes the castle
Which in my mind is inhabited
By an anachronistic loner
A degenerate nobleman
Who hides within his fortress
Hoping that the days of old come back
And after wasted grandeur comes earnest cosines
Carefree children playing football
While their grandfathers smoke
And discuss the Tour de France
And eat Boules de Berlin
Images that I have seen a hundred times before
But  the celebration of triviality
Has never been so precious to me
As these images, gliding by, through the window
Written inside my memory