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I deserve this
After clawing the earth with my bare fingers,
until ******
after laying down my walls
every bit turned to crumbling ruble
layers beneath my feet I think
I deserve this
after turn and tear and twist,
I think I deserve this.
this space where for once
if I work hard they notice
and I don't have to tote your body around
I'm no longer responsible for your baggage
no longer damaged
and while
i'm sorry for your sadness
i'm still so weary of your madness
and not once has this felt as tragic
as playing your statements in circuits
chafing psyche tell callous ,
I deserve to be softer now
after so many days of rain
I think I deserve to shine
like the kissing sun on my skin
these last few days.
She paused from our kiss
Took a breath.
And I opened my eyes.
I saw her,
Taking it all in as she held my face
She quivered.
I smiled,
That's when I knew
She was enough.
I promise to
plant kisses
like seeds on
your body, so
in time you
can grow to
love yourself
as I love you.
...These are not my words but I thought this was beautiful...
Trust me, I know how it feels
I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower
So no one can hear you
And waiting for everyone to fall asleep
So you can fall apart
For everything to hurt so bad
You just want it all to end
I know exactly how it feels
I don't blame anyone, I did this to myself
Its my fault, everything is my fault
I feel this tiredness that sleep can't fix
And please stop asking if I'm okay
I'm tired of lying
I'm tired of living
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of coping
I'm tired of hoping
I'm tired of existing
I'm tired of breathing
I'm just done
Because I'm never truly happy
Some days I'm just a little less sad than the rest
When you reach the point of being so sad you're numb
You're going to miss the ability to cry
Because depression is like drowning
And seeing everyone around you breathing
Because depression is not a choice
Its a deep hole you cannot climb out of
Trust me, I know how it feels
To beg God to just take it all away
 Nov 2014 Jill Anderson
Sarah
I am never satisfied
for I am never enough.

She told me I could do better.
I could, and now I can.
Perfection is a few steps away
from a few steps away.
Tell her I miss the mother that stole me from school
So we could get surprise Ice cream cones
Just me and her.
And tell her I miss her

Tell her I miss the mother that said my name just as much as my sisters
And asked about my day at school
And if I had anything to tell her,
And always claim to be the proudest mother.
Tell her I miss her

Tell her I remember exactly when she stopped being super man
Tell her I got older and I understand mistakes
Tell her I can forgive more than most can
But I’ll never understand
Why she gave up on me.
Why she loves me less,
Why she doesn’t care
About these holes in my chest.
But tell her that I miss her.

Tell her I remember when space was not an option
When she would tell me I could do whatever I wanted and she
Would be there.
That no one loved me as much no one cared like she cared.
And tell her that I miss her.
thanksgiving,
yellow lemon squares, turkey,
hustle hustle laughing,
bickering,
small blond children
tall dark haired , mild mannered
gathering courage to ask
asking questions
hike , climb, sprint tag,
food,
eating quickly,
murmurs around potato salad,
leaves,
leaves falling,
mothers calling
building castles in leaves and trees behind things
in the back yard
smiling
finally we are all together.

cancer took her.
crying crying and the rain wont stop beating against this old roof.
close walls sullen faces
mild mannered children working in a quiet desperation
to recreate yellow leaves falling
and lemon squares.
standing close
together,
to close
to close
trying to **** the distance between
us
castles crumble
its not our back yard anymore.
one of our mothers makes pecan squares
we cling to new traditions
because lemons do not taste the same,
disenchantment falls into a desperate
sadness  that always  fallows
death
and being homesick
for places that no longer exist for us , tomorrow


Indifference took her,
maybe if i had stayed a little longer,
she would be here same as ever,
clever bright witted
the staple holding together family fibers
distance ,
quite
losing site
literally loosing her site and
missing me
missing her
and them and mild mannered children
trying desperately to recreate yellow fallen leaves,
and banter,
to hear grandchildren squabbling
it was me, i left her castles crumbling
she was only missing places she thought no longer existed for her
shes gone now.
my castles crumbling
like the dry fall leaves
and i'm dreading things
and the lack of things like
thanksgiving
and lemon squares.
 Sep 2012 Jill Anderson
Ahmad Cox
Sending my love to you
praying that you 'll be whole
Sending it with some hope
Sending my love
I want you to know
I see what you go through
And I know that you could
Use some love inside of you
So I am sending you a hug
And everything inside of me
I look in your eyes
And I see me
So I am sending my love to you
Praying that you'll be whole
Sending it with some hope
Sending my hope.
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