I get this sinking feeling days before

eyes hurt
and I can't breathe

remembering every past eighteenth morning
I've woken up

when I was laying in your bed
and took a shower downstairs

when I slept so late
I saw the sun rise
I took a picture
looking so vacant

or when I woke up to nothing
I was all alone
made my bed
later you came into the room with gifts

way back
when I woke up to her kissing my cheeks
the forgotten birthday card she made me
I will remember and the yearly tradition
broken because everyone had changed

I'm filled with paranoia
can't sleep

something is coming
something I can't avoid

the weight is heavy

it will pass
and leave me paralyzed

please don't say it
let me stay days away

from the happy birthday candles
that slowly burn my soul

the look in my eyes
hidden under the mask

The world is cold with you,
for the flowers that bloomed,
  filled with the hum of the bee,
turn , dreary and cool.

The city is cool with you,
church bells no longer ring,
   our future is bleak,
as the sky comes down to drown the trees.
life is obscure, dark, dim.

Life is cold with you,
  I lose my spark,
     my creativity, my being,
          I lose me.
What little beauty I defended,
is cut , hidden, gone.

The sun escapes my orbit,
   my skies grow darker,
      I toss and I turn,
          pleading for a light; long gone.
begging to return to me; me before you.

I feel unneeded.
And that’s so different from unwanted.
I feel as though I serve no purpose for others.
The ones I love simply don’t need me.
I feel as though I only hinder-
I’m in the way.
They’re indifferent.
I’m not unwanted,
I’m simply unneeded.

I’m hidden, lost in despair.
These voices around me, these people, these negative energies.
I can’t take it.
I feel suicidal, I wanna get shot and never live this hell ever again.
I feel low, I feel like ****.
I feel useless, weak, ugly, lost, hated, misunderstood, trapped.
Trapped in a place I don’t want to be.
Alone in my misery.
Projecting it all out in the form of anger and judgement to others.
I feel alone.
I am not okay.
I am depressed.
I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I feel stupid.
I feel demotivated.
Judged by everyone and insane.
I feel misunderstood.
No one to depend on , but me.
I am not okay.
I feel bullied, picked on, teased.
I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I feel the need to protect myself immensely.
My spiritual energy needs cleansing.
I feel overwhelmed and anxious.
Headaches and tension.
I feel lonely.
No one to turn to.
No one I can turn to.
What do I do?

Jared i’m understimulated
And without a hug
Without arms and legs
I can’t believe you left me
And your closest people
To you it was nothing
To us everything
The sky is grayer now
I see in tones of black
And white suns burn
In my eyes the image
Of you dying inside
Those lungs yearned
For something or someone
And your mother said
Your spirit wasn’t compatible
With your body or this life
I don’t know what to say
Or what to do without you
The whistle and happy hum
Of a train causes immense pain
It’s a shrieking scarlet ****** mess
And now the cold town cemetery
is where you rest
Forever
And ever
Jared
I miss you

After the rain settles
the Fieldfare appear one by one
The fledging Sun paints shadows,
clouds part themselves
Barefoot,
on cold bracken
we look for the threadbare
stumps and leaves
Winter cold,deep
against its snare, snaps.