Fire the **** gun and put a bullet in my head
Make another hole in that empty thing
I'll smoke the pain away in the shadows of the night
And we'll smile at each other again pretending to be fine.

I promised myself it will be the last time
But the monster in my head got greedy
So sorry father I took another pill
I promise this one will be the last time
Trust me.

Inside these ******* covers, we all hide a child that refuses to grow up.
A child that still craves love and attention but is chained and dumped.
We all are aware of that little life who is scared and tortured and left alone
But none of us is brave enough to stand up for that child and make him feel home
And give him love that he deserves and be his friend to help him overcome
all the fears that feed on him
Fear of rejection, fear of this world
Fear of closure, fear of growing up
Fear of trusting someone
Fear of being loved.

Inside these ******* covers, we all hide a child that refuses to grow up.
That child will either turn into a monster or into a no one.

There is a whole universe inside you
With cold planets and burning stars
And a vast empty space painted in dark.

But in between all this
I see a fertile land.

Where I can bury myself and blow some life in your stiff heart.

I've met many men in my life
and not all the men are the same.
They are like a fruit basket
Berries and bananas, apples and grapes.

Some men like their coffees darker.
Some men like their beds unmade.
Some men like to smoke all night.
Some men like to drink all day.
Some men like their women with curves.
Some men like their women fake.
Some men like to hide their smiles.
Some men like to hide their pain.

I've met many men in my life
and not all the men are the same.
They are like a fruit basket
Berries and bananas, apples and grapes.

Dance.
Paint.
Write.
Sing.


We all are finding our own ways to live.

A clock in a tree with a door in its trunk.
Paint it on a plate with colors that you're given.

A black canvas with white paint strokes.
You paint the memories in your little workshop.

Teaching me how to paint my very own collection.
I don't know if you're real or just my imagination.

Half dressed she stood in the kitchen making two cups of coffee.
Half dressed he laid in the bed regretting that last sip of whiskey.

They say women are like flowers
delicate and beautiful, cheery and colorful.
Put them in a vase and care for them daily
And they will make everything look better
with their aura. You'll fall in love.
Believe me.

But
She was not a flower from the gardens
She was more like a wildflower growing between
the cracks of a rock. Almost like rebelling against
the nature's rule.
She was alluring in her own ways yet no one
would ever dare to pluck her.

No one could ever love a wildflower in front of a rose
But
No rose could ever be free like a young fiery soul.

No one ever suspected her for his death.
They all just saw a poor guy
who drowned in the wishing well.

I went to a gypsy to ask about my future
She said, 'show me your hand my child.'
Her eyes popped out and she gasped loudly
'Oh good Lord! What a frightful sight!'

'What's wrong?' I asked her curiously.
'Everything. Everything is wrong.' she replied.
'Your palm lacks the line of fate.' she said.
'I know.' I told her. 'He's gone from my life.'

She sang the song of the dead as I walked out
'Oh the ****** dark soul, Oh my poor little child.
You have no idea how unfortunate you are
You need to be safe. Run and hide. Run and hide!'

The cloud started to follow me down the street
as I cringed in pain, questioning the sky.
'What is my fault?' I screamed in tears.
I guess I'll never know why you had to die.

He rose from a pile of dust and found himself standing among the dead.
A man with wings called him out, "Boy! You're next."
He walked on the clouds towards the glowing light
Where began the trial of his life.

Before the final verdict he asked God, "You saved me from one hell just to throw me into another?
Will I ever deserve something other than heat and fire?"
"I won't send you to hell", God replied. "You deserve heaven in your after life."

On his way to the eternal bliss,  he witnessed people rotting in hell.
They were wearing black suits yet their faces could not be recognized.
"Who are these men punished in such a way?" he asked the angel
"The men who were comfortable enough while you were dying.
They were too proud to wear their suits in heat
But had no heart to help the poor people in need."

lying on the washroom floor
drunk and broken
i closed my eyes and asked God
"do You exist?"

silence.

"prove me."

silence.

the darkness filled in
and my senses turned numb.

i woke up in my grave
"thank you, God. now i know."

Show me your naked self
by tearing down
every costume that
your eyes ever wore.

And I will love you
like a wolf
secretly loves the moon.

It was not a pleasant day, I’ll agree to that
When another nightmare woke me up from sleep.
I looked around to see where I was
I was not sure if it was real or another dream.

I picked up my phone and walked outside.
And what I saw, I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I saw everyone lying; injured or dead .
God! It was a horrible sight to witness.

A thick red air was what I was breathing.
I looked around to find traces of reality.
“It’s another nightmare.” I kept telling myself.
As I tried to find a way to wake up again.

An old woman stared me as if I was the culprit.
I felt so guilty that I wanted to escape.
But there was no way so I climbed up to the roof.
I thought, “That’s how I’ll know the truth.”

I woke up again but in a hospital this time
With a pain so intense, I thought I was dying.
“What is wrong with her?” someone asked the doctor.
“Poor little girl, she has lost her mind.”

He offered me wine but I refused for I don't drink.
He offered me a cigarette but I refused for I don't smoke.

He offered me his heart
and I took it
because I was longing to be
loved.

My head hurts.
Take a pill, they say.
A pill or two more
if the pain does not go away,
A pill.
A pill.
A pill.

And pills is what I have taken
all my life
every time I had a headache.

I've been addressed by different names

but "mine" is the best I ever heard.

They hid their ugliness beneath all the makeup
and she hid her beauty under the masks of her words.

***** this
and ***** that.
I am tired
of everything I ever had
been or tried to be.

I need to live
carefree.

Funny how I once thought I'd remember that date forever

and years after, it passed without your name even crossing my mind.

she wanted to discover all the abandoned places
with ghosts still lingering on the balconies
waiting for their lost lovers of youth.

she wanted to feel the thrill tensing up her body
as she walked in those unfamiliar tracks
humming the forgotten haunting tunes.

and I bet
that she would have forgotten
all those sites
only if she had ever dared enough to
once explore this deserted soul.

I want to kiss a stranger
in such a way that I hand him
all of myself; my body and its weights
so that
maybe for a while,
I can finally find my escape.

I want death to reach out for me
in the most romantic way
but
take my soul after
making me suffer and beg for it.

You ask, why?

So that when I meet the Lord,
I can tell Him that
you weren't the one
who had hurt me the most.

and even though
it scares the **** out of me
but
I have to wake up
and face
my nightmares
every day
all day
all by myself.

all i ever wished
was to sleep peacefully one night
without the pills singing the lullaby.

"teach me how to love you and I'll be a patient learner."
he whispered helplessly as we stood under the streetlight
which was flickering just like his heartbeat.
i stared at the moon behind him
trying to tune out my thoughts and ignore
all his pleas.
like a magic crystal ball, the circle in the sky
showed me my future with him
in a blink of an eye.

and though right there, looking at him
i wanted to love him back more furiously
yet
i walked away without looking back
for the moon had showed me
the tragic end
before it could even begin.

misfit wanderers lost in their dreams
collecting broken pieces
gluing them with words.

masters in the art of being faceless
singing the songs
of the unheard.

silent souls affected in tragic ways
seeking a painful solace
drowning themselves in the flood.

he died without any honorary medals
on his chest or any awards
named after him.
he died silently; an ordinary death
with scars and wounds and
everything similar
to a war hero
but the only thing
that he couldn't do
was to **** someone in return.

and though i didn't want it to rain
because the first drop
that fell on my cheek
made me
homesick.

i looked up at the clouds
and asked them
silently
if they have seen
where i
live.

the sky roared in reply
and i kept
wondering
how to decipher
it.

I
hope is dying
faster than the candle light
save it, somebody save it
for its death will be mourned
the whole night.

II
love is drowning
in the ocean; deep inside
rescue it, somebody rescue it
for its disappearance will cause
a great tsunami tide.

III
life is escaping
from my window tonight
let it go at last
for its freedom is worth
every noble sacrifice.

she hid herself under the white sheets
while he followed her scent out in cold streets.

He asked me to write about him one night
while we were on the brink of jumping into the dream land.
"Write like its the last thing you'll ever write for me."
he whispered as his lips provoked the passion inside
and I promised, sleeping in his shadow like a child.

Three months later,
I wrote about him
for the last time.



*Goodbye.

Lavenders.
I looked at them and wondered
if I could ever touch them.
Lavenders.
I sigh
for they remind me of you.

The angels looked at me and whispered,
"No need to throw him in the Hell,
he already suffered a lot in his own
which he created or maybe the world did for him
but poor soul, look at all those burns."

I smiled at them for they did not know
my hell was my solace in the heaven
of the world.

I saw a nameless grave one day
no flower, no tear, no stone on it.
and I thought,
how lucky this lad is
sleeping peacefully
without any disturbing!

They'll cry at your birth but not your funeral.
Don't worry honey for they don't know your worth.
They'll stop you from learning yet call you dumb.
Don't worry honey for they are themselves illiterate.
They'll cage you in and blame you for being a pet.
Don't worry honey for they are not birds as well.
They'll call you a **** while they'll have too many girlfriends.
Don't worry honey for they are all hypocrites.
They'll **** your dreams and call you weak.
Don't worry honey for your stronger than they think.
They'll wed you off without asking your consent.
Don't worry honey for they'll surely regret.
They'll take away your voice and call themselves right.
Don't worry honey for barking dogs seldom bite.
They'll break you down and collect sympathies.
Don't worry honey for God is watching silently.

And if you ever wonder, Why me?
Don't worry honey for they do it all out of envy.

I open my eyes and the nightmare begins
I can feel the blood flowing in my veins
It's supposed to keep me alive, but is it?
I don't know, I wish it did.
They tell me I need blood transfusion
medicines and all those supplies.
All that is out of my reach for I belong to
a poor family and prices are too high.
I had dreams to be something great as well
but now I dream to just survive.
It's a battle hard for a kid like me
Is there someone to help me fight?

I close my eyes and the world seems peaceful
for the thought of dying escapes my mind.

You ask me about these reckless teenagers?
Let me tell you what you don't know about them.
They are broken. Broken and used over and over again.
Still they are young at hearts and ready to risk everything that's left of them.
They are immature yet their stories will make you feel like some seventy year old
for they have more to tell than you. They might not have seen this world
but they have felt it with all their hearts
and they have tasted young love on the tips of their tongues in those dark rooms with the scent of whiskey.
"Irrational." you say? Love does not need any eyes to see.

You ask me about these reckless teenagers?
Let me tell you that they have nothing ahead of them
yet they have their whole lives planned out joining the stars at night
stupid it may seem but your reality is a non-existent dot in front of their dreams
and they look useless wasting their times but listen to them once. I dare you. Listen to them and you'll realize
what a different universe lies inside them.
Their words will take you places and you'll lose yourself to their tales.
Tales that are from all over the world, about every different tribe, with a new character every time.

You ask me about these reckless teenagers?
Let me tell you that they won't give up. They won't sit back
they are like a huge clan and they are ready to live. Live not just survive.
They are the bad fish that ruins the whole pond yet still are sold in the highest price.
They will not leave any empty gaps rather they will leave a whole legacy behind.
And their death won't be saddening for anyone. Not you. Not me. Not themselves even.
Their death will be like a celebration. Like fireworks in the night sky.
Yes, that's right. Their deaths will be the marking of another great life.

You ask me about these reckless teenagers?
Let me tell you what you don't know about them.
Look at their smiles and then peak inside.
Sir, I bet you, you'll feel like a little child.

She's a poem that I like to read over and over again on these lonely nights when I have nothing else to do.
I have her best verses tattooed on my skin in form of scars that I can't remove.
And whenever I am kneeling in the pool of my own tears, she's the prayer that I only know.

She's a poem that I like to read over and over again till I lose myself into the words that were once mine but no more.

It's almost 2 at night and here I am again.
Sleepless and empty.
No bottle is full enough to let me drown in itself.
No pill is effective enough to let me lose myself to it.
No needle is sharp enough to enter this cold ****.

It's almost 2 at night and here I am again.
Tired and alone.
No memory is sweet enough to give me solace.
No words are compelling enough to heal my wounds.
No friend is close enough to understand my pain.

It's almost 2 at night and here I am again.
Done and gone.

he's like that familiar smell of
freshly baked cookies my mother used to bake
when i was a kid.

and now i miss them and my mother and him and myself.
i guess i miss it all, every thing.

and i sometimes wonder who will win the war, my head or my heart, when i'll see you again after years.
my head opens its case by saying, "you don't need him cause he left you."
whereas my heart closes its case by saying, "you need him cause he left you."
and somewhere between this trial
i lose myself to my heart and mind

Just to feel better, he smoked his life away and now I am left here, picking up pieces of him from his ashtray.

And as I woke up in his favorite black shirt, I realized how much burden he had carried all his life.