"you should really try to get clean"
That's what they would say,
if they knew,
but they don't
I can't let them
something about being a "man"
infected me with stubborn pride
and one hell of a fall

I just can't be open
nobody ever tells you
how hard honesty can be
and the truth of it is
I should probably see somebody
because the days spent sober
are filled up with
inescapable, palpable, crushing boredom
and the nights are spent
hiding from my own thoughts
afraid to sleep because of what it may entail
so the days kinda bleed together
like kool aid and water
and for good measure
a lot of *****

I allow myself to love you
Although you drift back and forth to me
Like the tide does to the shore.
You are rushes of warm salt water
That are all too confident in knowing
That the patience I carry
Exceeds the amount of grains of sand
That rest on beaches
That quietly await the sun.
What will you do
When you return from sea
And realize that the coast
Was slowly eroded away by
The storm you brought with you?

I want you to know
that i didn't answer you
solely because i wanted you to feel bad.
i'm really not ashamed about it
i think you deserved it.

You can't just always expect me to be around
that's not fair.
i'll be there for a smile
maybe a laugh sometimes
but you can't have all of me
without loving me
i deserve
love.

You can't
play with me when you're bored
hold me when you're lonely
tell me that you love me...
when something better comes along
you can't forget
everything you ever said
to me.
you can't
but you did.
i'm worth more than that
and you know it
that's why you're trying to call me
but you've missed more than phone a call
you've missed out
on everything.

Stop.
it's not fair.
i'm too tired
for you to do this to me.
i can't even finish
a ******* poem
without you trying to get a hold of me...
and here i go
responding
because you just told someone you were only "ok"
just so i'd feel bad...

you win
this time.

You fall hard,
Not for the person,
But for the idea.
The chase is more fun.
Flirting, teasing, suspense.
Of not knowing what they’re thinking
And hoping they like you
More than you like them.
But once they like you more,
You feel whatever.
It’s cool, moving on.
But then they do move on,
And then you wonder
If you missed out on something great.
You overthink everything you said or did.
Because maybe just maybe they are the person for you,
And you messed everything up by playing the game
You thought you were supposed to play.
Because that’s how life works.
You only want someone until they want you back
And once they don’t want you
You want them more than you ever wanted them before.
You fall in love with an idea.
The idea of being happy,
The idea of love.
But in reality you only crave the attention,
The attention you probably don’t deserve.
Which makes you crave it more
Because now that other person probably found someone they like better.
Better than you.
Prettier than you.
More charming than you.
Someone who actually likes them for who they are.
So you put them down to make yourself feel better
Because there is no way she is better than you.
Prettier than you.
More charming than you.
If she even exists.
I wonder if she exists.
God, what is wrong with me?
Overthinking is a dangerous road.
Don’t fall into the trap.