Day after day I wake up with a smile on my face.
I perform the same morning routine, it will never change.
Brush my teeth, wash my face then put on the best make-up I know of.
The most natural one of them all, that hides all thats inside.

Day after day I greet my friends with a smile, give them a hug, then walk along by.
Day after day I pretend that I'm happy, I never ever cry cause that is too sappy.
I may look like I'm this confident, brave girl. I look like the happiest girl in the world.
Little do you know that I'm dying inside. The clock keeps on ticking, time's floating by.

I am losing sight of my purpose to live. I wish I could go back to being a kid.
When I didn't have these disturbing thoughts, though as a kid I was bullied a lot.
Name calling was a frequent occurrence for me. I'd hear it from my friends and my family.
My childhood wasn't great, but I did survive. If only I could go back in time.
Go back to the time when I was first bullied. I'd do something different so no one could hurt me.
If I changed the past it would change the future too, or at least I hope that is what it would do.
But that cannot happen, it's a wasted dream. I can never again but truly happy.

Day after day I act so happy. I never reveal my true feelings to anybody.
I make people smile, I make others laugh. I help others see their beauty when they need some help.
I shall do what I can while I'm still around. I don't want others walking around with frowns.
Day after day I help the ones I love, though I struggle to help myself.

There will be a time when I am no longer here. When I give up and just live in fear.
Fear of being loved, the fear of getting hurt. The fear of being treated like dirt.
When I can no longer fight these evil thoughts, the evil thoughts I think a lot.
When I can't hide my hurt behind a smile, when others can see I am dying inside.

Days are so long, I can barely survive. It's now a struggle to put on a smile.
I no longer have the same routine, I now just get out of bed and then leave.
I don't want to try, I'll be gone soon. No point of wasting time to look good for school.

Day after day I just get up and leave. I don't say good morning to anybody.
I can't put on a smile, I can't even laugh. I can't walk the halls without wanting to collapse.
I have lost the battle I've been fighting for years. My happiness has now turned into tears.
An endless river of tears flow from my eyes. I can't control them, they come all the time.
I have given up, I have lost the fight. I know that I am going down.

There is no more day after day, the battle was won.
I have completely given up, I've sunken, I've drowned.

Janice sat beside you
on the bombsite
off Meadow Row
looking towards

the New Kent Road
watching the people
and traffic pass
you with your catapult

and she with the doll
her gran had bought her
from the market in the Cut
Gran said those are dangerous

Janice said
pointing at the catapult
not if you’re careful
and responsible

you said
but they fire stones
she said
guns fire bullets

you said
they can **** people
David killed Goliath
with a stone

she said
I heard it in church
I only fire at tin cans
or other such targets

you said
she looked at the sky
at pigeons flying overhead
what about birds?

she asked
no I don’t shoot at birds
although I did fire
at a rat once

but missed
and it ran off
I hate rats
she said

there was one
on our balcony once
and it frightened me to death
you laughed

you remember that coalman
who stomped on that one
along the balcony by your flat?
yuk

she said
horrible blood and guts
everywhere
and on his boot

you said
she hugged her doll
close against her
don’t remind me

you studied the doll
in her arms
the way it was close
to her chest

her hands caressing
the painted china head
the yellow flowered dress
and small white socks

and black plastic shoes
you’d make a good mum
you said
watching her rock

the doll in her arms
do you think so?
she asked
yes

you said
maybe one day
I will have a real baby
she said

and rock it to sleep
and feed it with a bottle
and burp it
and change its *****

like I saw a lady do
in the toilets
of Waterloo station
and Gran said

it wasn’t hygienic
not there of all places
Gran said
I’d have to have

a peg on my nose
if I had to change
a baby’s *****
you said

I think men
have weaker stomachs
than women do
she said

I think mothers
are given stronger stomachs
when they have babies
it’s God way of helping them

deal with babies
I’d rather have a catapult
than a baby
you said

or a doll
do you want to hold my doll
and I can hold your catapult?
she asked

no thanks
you replied
if my mates saw me
I’d never live it down

she kissed the doll’s head
and said
likewise
but there was a smile

on her lips
and a sparkle
in her eyes
and a beauty

in the way she sat
in her orange coloured dress
and bright red beret hat.

I can't stay away from here,
I don't know why,
But I was kidding myself,
When I begin to freak out
I isolate,
It's a reflex I've always had,
And it can get really lonely,
I question myself,
I loathe myself
I debate my abilities,
Tear back & forth,
Between destroying my work,
Deleting my pages,
Burning my canvases,
Tossing away,
Everything,
So I don't have to look,
At the ****,
That I've made,
So no one has to,
I want to end my life,
But that's just too silly,
I'm not that silly,
My mind gets vacant,
And I grow cold,
I don't get close,
I want to welcome,
Arms that are open to me
I'm trying guys,
Stick with me.

I reach up
touch my face
I just feel two pockets of dimples
and warm skin.
I gave some of that little fire to you one day and together,
we blew up everything we knew.

It was one of those inconsequential disasters.
Because it was never supposed to happen
But
It did.

I can still feel the burns.

We can’t undo that Nagasaki.

All I want is the one who knows me.
All I want is my little fire returned to me.

When I open my hands
revealing the worlds smeared
across them, I’m not terrified
of what you’ll see,
but, rather,
what I don’t.

Barbed fingertips and dwindling
paths—this fortune’s not charted
for the faint of heart.
I’m mapless
and hesitating.