The little lights were trying to survive
but darkness blew them away
and gave them the sense of staring at hell.
My legs were not moving,
my skin was pale
and I remember this moment really well.  
The pressure started to feel unreal
and the blur crossing my eyes gave me a sense of fear.
The painful stabs inside felt like a snake
                                                      biting every piece of my heart
that was trying to stay alive
and seek for the help to stop
                                          the  mess
                                                       inside my head.

My body was frozen
and I couldn’t even stand
because the strong side of me was totally dead.
My voice was locked in a little box
and I was not able to breathe
Because I was crying like
                                     I could fill the ocean
  and drown myself into it
to stop the little voices in my head
and win the relief and be without any pain
and to enjoy the quiet place without any scary face.
My eyes turned into a black hole
                                       without any lifeless sight.
Screams of desire were trying to get my body back
and give it an old happy version of myself.
The urge to say: stop, leave me alone
  was destroyed by scary thoughts
  that were dancing in my head and singing: we won,
  there is no way to turn this **** off
and break the emotions you have,
                                               this is
                                                      definitely
                                                                your end.
After a while
when I thought I would never survive,
the small hope came to me
and gave me a sense to feel free
without chains surrounding me
and trying to tear every piece of my body
to disappear from this world
                                and never feel the joy at all.
My heart was filled with love again
and ripped the fear away
and stopped this whole disorder
that was destroying
                             the person
                                             I am.

Am i enough?
                    “Never”
says a little insecure guy in my mind
sitting in the front of my head,
looking at all my body wrongs
that makes him want to be dead.
my hair is a piece of trash
with the lines going in the wrong way
with all my nerves
hanging on my heart
like the saddest paintings in the sky
where angels broke their wings
and couldn’t escape their fate
from the sorrow hill
where the sun wears black

My makeup hasn’t done the function yet
with tears filling my eyes
thinking like nothing could save my face
even though
I tried my best.
The mirror reflects the land
with no happy ends
and my scars are a shade of the dark side
with the stroke of red thinking there’s no way to stay awake.
when times were like demon clouds
with the rain of blood
that was screaming:
“Please stop!”
“Something is always wrong..”
But
It was just  my mind
And I believed that all the time.

When I see my side profile
all I want to do is to cry
and rip the nose out.
My anxious smile
is trying to hide
the thoughts of keeping the mind closed.
Why can't I just stop the mess in my head
and shut down the words about being great?
I want to be good,
I'm trying,
I promise,
but the wave smashes the positive away
with the urge to fall down from the tall cliff again
to the water with the deepest ends
where everyone stabs each other in the back
and says you're never the one who will be the best.
hah,
you will never be enough
because someone else took your place
and you are the second choice
as you were always.