I'm really anxious to scribble about you because
it makes me feel everything that you make me feel
and everything feels so much more honest and sincere
when my words smudge up against
the side of my palm and dye it blue
as my pen dashes to keep up with my heart and tears

but I don't want it to be honest and sincere
or feel that way anymore
because I thought I was moving on
moving on from ache
that I wish I didn't crave
I thought I knew all of this was
unwise and non-realistic

but maybe I need to stop thinking
and just let myself feel;
feel the goosebumps you give me,
feel the pain you give to my wrists,
feel the blood you infuse into my veins and
all the blood I let out of my veins because of you  

but maybe I don't need to know everything,
like exactly what you're thinking
or exactly how I feel
maybe even exactly how you feel
or how all of this is going to turn out
because I already have an idea of how it will turn out to be
but I don't even need to have an idea
I just need to let it be and
whatever happens, happens

Everything isn't always going to be clear,
and not everything is going to be given to you by hand
and you'll always have to work for what you want
and let go of everything that makes you anxious
because you know that at the end you will be pleased
with just loving yourself
not just by loving you, whom doesn't love me

I'd like to be able to leaf through the trees and smile
even if you are not there, wandering besides me

j.f

(I )think my biggest fault was
wanting to know everything
that was yet to cross your mind
I want to know everything you feel
at any given moment
what you (wish) for when the clock hits 11:11
( I) want you to want me to know why
you painted your bedroom walls dark blue
(was) it that the day you picked the bucket of paint
you saw the sea really dark and you wanted to feel free and wild?
(on) the day of your birthday do you feel older?
i want to know (your) fears and
which day of the week you feel happiest on
and whats on your (mind)
before you close your eyes into darkness
But most of all
I want to know everything you feel
even just by me glancing at you

j.f

at the same time
i'm glad that i'm not afraid to get hurt
like, Jesus Christ
you don't know how happy i am
that i fell for someone who will never love me back
me letting her clench her hands onto my heart
ripping it out of my rib cage while telling me
she loved me and i would beg her
to stop but i'll let myself bleed

it's all a good thing
we all need pain because when its 3 a.m.
and she's the only thing on your mind
and you're crying, rolling around in bed
to see if you crash into her body and
you realize she will never be there
it sure will hurt like hell but ****, at least you'll feel something

j.f

all these goosebumps
that once laid on my arms
from your sweet words
became a hatred i wish i had upon yourself
i always said i had to forget about you
just move on but how can i forget you?
you make my heart beat in a way it never has
you made me believe in love for the first time
and how love hurts
how it doesn't feel like how you feel
when you watch a romantic movie
i would walk 30 billion miles just to be
touched by you
i would cut off my lips just to prove to you
that no one else would be touching them
oh, how i want you
oh, how much i think i need you
but i'm still staying no matter the pain you give
i'm sorry i make you angry
i'm sorry i make you confused
about how love is suppose to feel
i can't say you don't do the same
i love you
i wish i did later
maybe even earlier
maybe not even at all

i hope you know that
even though we are out of love
i still think about you when the sky is
crying at 4 a.m. thinking that maybe
the sky misses you too
i also hope you know that
when the sky is shining bright at 8 a.m.
that you will always be the first thing
i think about
when i wake up

j.f