he once wrote on my bulletin board in animal crossing
"you're precious"

wake up
you wouldn't wanna miss your autopsy

vulnerability
i should've been able to indulge in it

waking up in the middle of the night
struggling to breathe
searching for anything my eyes can find
noticing all the little statics of reality
this is a losing fight
and no one can save me
here, there is no individuality
sleeping is micro dosing death
and when i realized that
eternal slumber didn't worry me as much

I love feeling my heart get weaker
I mean hey
I asked it to stop pumping a long time ago

i hope it resonates
the ways of me
my eyes you'll drown in deep crystal blue as you sink to the bottom
where god hid gold
my laugh deafening and leaving no silence for hate
plump lips where words fly like knives and cut open your heart
the numbers carved into my collarbone numbering your days
in existence
i am alpha
i am the omega
the beginning
and the end

you're the closest to heaven
that i'll ever be

i can't unsee my eyes
i'll always feel my fingers
grounded to my toes
mouse brown shall always root in my skull
there's just some parts of you
i can't outrun

don't worry about me
i'll worry about you
it's my job
relax son,
i'm your guardian angel
if your soul is cracking at the seams
you can have some of mine
and when i'm gone
you can return it with your tears
and replace it with my peace

orange and red streaks reflected on garden eyes
smoke in my lungs
and a tiny bit of cancer between two delicate fingers
as you grow, everything changes
for better or for worse
life is short baby girl
light a cig

in the most platonic way possible
i enjoy sleeping next to you
or anyone i love
because i know
i'm sleeping next to someone who will miss me when i'm dead

dude like listen
i love you
i grew inside your womb
you created me with your own flesh
the best of our relationship
was before i could even form a thought
and that's kind of sad

i'll shove every word into my skull
until the tears stop falling
and i forget your face

Back in November
I shaved my head
You told me
"Do whatever you want"
I asked if you'd still find me beautiful
"Yes" you lied
I shaved my hair because it was bound
Bound in a mess of self destruction
And self hatred
Looking back
My hair was a symbol of us
And like my hair
I loved you
but I shedded you too
-"November"

it doesn’t matter who buried the knife first
we both had a blade hidden the entire time

underneath my skin
favorite sin

Summer this year doesn’t feel like all the others
I can’t help but see the calories on a can of Arizona tea
Abanonded on a park bench
When did that become all I could see?

my dad might not rule the nightosphere
he may not be an eternal entity of chaos
he may not even have ate my fries
but when marceline sees him
i can feel everything

it keeps happening and it feels worse everytime

some things bring me joy
like the drip of a faucet
coming to an end
knowing there will be a day
where there will be one less boy
and between life and death you shall cross it
lay in your eternal bed
what i love most about you
is that one day you'll be dead

I don’t want peace
I want chaos
I don’t want stability
I want endless uncertainty
I can’t feel anything else

you're not all one
but in my mind you shall be
through your bedroom window and the floor beside your bed i lied
in the garage i smoked *** with you and your baby-mothers-father
in the back of your car where i first heard the melody of my soul
in your inner city house i spent too much time in
waking up in your arms and you lying to me then and months down the road
sleeping in your van while it was 40 degrees
in your arms because i was lonely
in your heatless house with candles lit and all but it wasn't romantic
running on no sleep while the sun scanned over us that morning
in your basement while your mom was at work
in another basement as i stared at the posters on your wall
you are different people
but i still got what i wanted

“Is this how you want your life to go?”
No
That’s why I’ll be gone by 21

i knew a man who was the best **** actor
i'd ever met
there was this silky texture to his skin underneath the stage lights
there was endless echoes in his laughter
his arms were a safe haven within his own theatre
i could feel his soul become one with mine
watching him perform an entire act
with just our bodies
i don't think i have ever seen a portrayal of love look so convincing
but it was all an act
when the lights were out and he took off his mask
there stood a gremlin of a man
possessing the most vile soul i had ever come in contact with
a man who convinced me i was a precursor of his lies
there stood an extension of Abaddon
in the middle of an empty stage

why are there already nats around me?
i'm not dead yet you freaks

it has been 3 years since ive seen you
who are you
there's an image i have of you in my minds eye
but i don't know where my pupils are
you use to make me laugh until i couldn't breathe
but i haven't felt my lungs in years
what are you if i ain't me?

i surround myself with art
i smother myself in it's love
because i have to realize
i am a manifestation of existence
so stuck on the walls
are parts of me

We’re the same
We’re complete opposites
I grew around you
But you aren’t that anymore
And now I am no longer growing around who you use to be
But I have become you
The you that no longer exists

it'll never be enough
because if it was i would be suffering
m̶o̶r̶e̶

i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss the way your arms shield me from the cold
i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss how you wrapped yourself around me like i was your everything
i'd be lying if i said i don't wanna feel how i did whenever you'd pull me closer in your sleep
but
i wouldn't exactly be telling the truth if i said i miss the way you never listened
i wouldn't exactly be telling the truth if i told you i loved the names you called me whenever i would be having a freakout
i wouldn't exactly be telling the truth if i implied that i enjoyed the way cheated on me
but then again
i love the way you lie

The technician says
And he's right
My hands and mind
start on the same road
but my mind wonders to field beside my vessel
and my hands follow soon
leaving my responsiblities
unfinished.
"It's who I am" I respond
The fields are beautiful
They give me instant happiness
Until the dirt road East
Calls my name too
"It is you
but what you don't realize is sooner or later
you're going to be lost
you're going to be on empty
you're going to crash."
I didn't hear him.
Guilt brought my attention back to the road
Stealing all beauty
Of what distracted me.
"You just need correction."
But
I don't want that.

please don't leave me
please
please
please
pleaaase don't leave me
i love you so much
please don't leave
i'll be anything you want me to be
i'll lose weight i'll let you cheat on me just please don't leave
please don't leave me
i'm sorry i got angry when you ****** another girl just please stay baby i'll do anything for you please

all you do is **** me off
i complain about you all the time
and everyone asks why i'm still friends with you
and i wonder too

i'm in unimaginable pain
but i have never been happier

hi there
strawberry locks
porceline skin
seashell pink lips
hiding teeth so fair
someone who has me lost
despair becoming thin
let me brush your hair with my finger tips
i knew from the moment i met you
we were gonna change each others life
i chased after being happy when you were around
and walked when you could no longer run
maybe the universe isn't so cruel
loving someone, not by the edge of a knife
of you, i surround myself with an excessive amount
because loving you is fun

TW- ED
this feels like *** with my ex
relapsing
a cigarette in the cold
the 2nd day without food
laying down after crying as you're abt to fall asleep
sitting in the car with you and we're both cold as **** but i don't want-
you to go inside

it's nearly impossible to fathom how somebody else is alive because i chose to be
with this roots emerged from the soil beneath my feet
curling around every inch of skin rapidly
down my throat and over my eyes
i have become encased
within the plane of a boy prophet

going through the motions
i have accepted you'll be here the rest of my life
so like a wound i just tend to you when you're at your worst
and sit and enjoy a cup of coffee when you're at your quietest

i use to grab your vape from our bed
faster than your hands could move
and i would grin at you as i raised it to my mouth
i would hack immediately
"see? what did i tell you?"
you didn't tell me ****
the homie and i would roam the back roads
passing it back and forth
it felt like stitches for my soul
so i really doubt
it was the nic that hurt me

someday when we're both old brother
we'll forget everything
all the walks to sonic
all the late night trips to walmart
dying our hair together
eating candy that made us feel silly
cooking supper together
inhaling until the world around us began to morphe
picking up dog **** so I could stay the night
all the music you made me listen to
all the music i made you listen to
but it's ok
i don't think i'll ever forget how it all made me feel
like i discovered a part of me
you gave me access to
with your love
and the person i got to see you grow into
you put the life back into me

the original me bled out on her mothers ***** bathroom floor
the filth and abuse because too much for her
everything since that day
hasn't
felt
real

i am AMO
the little robot from adventure time
i am self destructive
i am ******* absolutely out of my mind
as i grew in my mothers womb
i was created to recieve love

*******
baby
i hate you so much
please don't leave me
get the **** away from me you disgusting *****
i'll change i promise
this is why nobody likes you
it wasn't you, it was me
why the **** are you like this you knew this would upset me
i'll be anything you want me to be sweetheart don't leave me please

I deleted all the photos
I blocked you on everything
I moved to an entire new state to get away from you
Yet I noticed
I still sleep in your shirt

over the moon
observing active decay
day by day

TW- S*icide
a few months ago my cousin committed
and year and years before so a different cousin did
i wonder what they would tell me
would they tell me to go through with it?

i know this will **** me
i don't seem to care
i wanna be laid to rest in all the happy memories i have always been swadeled in
it seems as though that blanket only drew to my ankles
i have cold feet about the rest of my life

i don't care when you won't love me
it's just cool that your here now

it won't matter that i wasn't enough
if we all one day will experience the same thing
we're all as worthy as one another
and that's enough validation for me

you can't make dying a competition
when the winner is the loser
and the loser is the winner
don't find peace
"she's still sleeping"