if i hide long enough
if no one sees me
do i exist

it won't matter that i wasn't enough
if we all one day will experience the same thing
we're all as worthy as one another
and that's enough validation for me

i never understood how you can love someone
and not be ready for them
because if it was true love you'd take them
anytime
anyday
anywhere
any life
but that's just not the case
when i look at you i see somebody whose loved me for a long time
and i've taken it for granted because on some level it's not what i want
truly
if i ever had your heart
i'd take it for granted
but it's ok babe
just hold my hand
and we'll go get cotton candy together.

2001
halloween
a broken girl
a broken boy
***** a missed dose of birth control and a broken ******
"callee"
a guardian angel sacrfice

insecurity in itself is greed
you sit there
you ramble
about how
you can't do this because you aren't thin
you can't look good because your nose is too big
you aren't lovable because you're scatterbrained
dude
listen
you block out all the love everyone is giving you
pieces of their soul
in the process of hating yourself
you also project your hurt onto others
who are just like you
that just wanna feel loved
and
who wants to make you feel loved

"Industrialization is ruining humanity
Capitalism is ruining humanity
Social Media is ruining humanity"
*******
Since the dawn of time every single advancement in our existence has lead to our downfall
If we've learned anything in the past year it's how bleak everything truly is
We have blindly chased progress all this time
Existence in itself is merely a capitalization on some sort of product
Some way to have profit
We're all born to die
We're meant to have a downfall
We can't last forever

ive been a walking corpse for months
but the audience wants encore
do they know i'm dying?

at least i know you have my back
when i lost my grandpa
you were there
when i felt loved
you were there
when my friends left
you were there
when i met my brother
you were there
when my momma and i fought
you were there
when my dad left
you were there
when i suffered among filth
you were there
when i fell in love
you were there
when i lost love
you were there
i took pills for awhile
to bring back the light
you wouldn't go away
stopped taking them
i can't get rid of you
you are all i have

it's nasty
but i love it
the way i associate with the beauty of all the colors
the way my brush goes side to side
as i create my happiness on cheap paper

abyss
void of sound
eyes tightly clenched shut
digits connected to tense palms over little ears
nothing can hurt me here
or so i thought
all the times she screamed at me
i should've just covered my ears

you were home
you made me really sick

you treat me like a person
i shouldn't like you for that

and i cried at the curb
when you first said "Oel ngati kameie"

menthol cigerettes
vomiting
starvation
depression
suicidal idealization
heartbreak
it’s all growing pains, baby

i ain't mrs.right
but i'll ******* til she gets here

hair on the bathroom sink
a lit cigerette not far from it
the smell of stolen cologne
cool dye resting on my scalp
the only thing in my system is a can of monster
ive never felt more connected to the world i want to escape to

how i know i feel this for me
is i don't fantasize about all the tears
the screaming
the regrets
the denial
the begging
the anger
the depression
the hopelessness
the acceptance
the forgetting
my soul feels amazing at the thought of just nothing

i am not built to last
i am built to live
built for walking in the middle of the road
showered with streetlamp rays
built for dying on bathroom floors
i live for feeling skin to skin
i live for sleeping in while the world moves on without me
i am going to give a lifetimes worth of love
in about a fifth of the human lifespan
my impact on this world revolves around a ticking clock
i am merely a marker
a guardian angel

like smoking a stoagie
noise traveling through my head like smoke in the air
straight up potent
kinda feeling i'd love to share
nasuea out in the open
and a head high that can't compare

i feel regret and pain
but there's something to be desired in the little space between

i know you say mean things when i cancel plans
but i don't care
too being decomposing where i lay
can't save me man
save yourself

21
beat up old truck
long hair
****** hair
rugged skin
every bit of muscle finished growing and boney hands
sixty dollar phone
dead-end job
**** and acid
17
skinny legs and dusty knees
FRIENDS hoodie from TJ Maxx
cheap shoes
little sixty dollar phone
working part time

chasing a size zero
don't eat enough for one
when you look at yourself it's doubled in two
and  at times you think it might be three
but in reality those numbers are far, even farther from four
ignore it, until sombody tells you you've gone down by five
it hurts, it hurts, eat like six
because you starved for seven
chase it down with a diet coke, what's next you'll feel in about eight
because down the hatch goes laxatives, count them out nine
your visions covered in tracers and you think you're at ten
even though everyone else can read "zero"

Material divided
The odds aren't great
But the longer I stare into your picture
I know what sacrifices I'm willing to make
My fingers play with the silk slipping back and forth
Now there is a ribbon around my torso
Plastic china shrank to distort
Ever so slowly
Painfully
Carving skin
Against an indifferent ribbon

my head feels dizzy
my soul feels funky
i have googly eyes
there are stitches in my soul
my eyes feel glossy
i have doe legs
my head hurts
i can't think right
i feel sick

i didn't ween myself off of you
even though you were the most addicting drug i've ever touched
one day i decided i couldn't take the comedowns anymore
no matter how high i got off you
i'd like to tell my family i've kicked you
my skins glowing and my smile no longer seldom
yet sometimes the idea of you sets my soul ablaze
and i get the urge
to pick through all my files
emails
messages
memories
carpet picking for shards of you
even the worst of you
i've quit you cold turkey
but it's a fun idea, isn't it?

I really hope this kills me
Existence is a night sky
And Freedom is a shooting star
But I’ll shoot for the moon
And meet you at Mars

Peeping eyes
Colorful Mushrooms
Decay exists as a life form
It reminds me of you and I
I hope you’ll see what I need you to see
And you’ll love my establishment of mutual understanding
And
"Please tell me you love me more than being Sick”

**** around and never come down

Take over
It’s fine I promise
Make a shell out of me
***** making me tired
This is just something I’ve put too much energy into trying to fix
I ran my course

you are all the things that are wrong with you

one day
you'll be on recieved forever

i can't indulge in my favorite escape
it'll make me fat

acceptance
this is where i came from
this IS familiar
it'll be ok
it'll be absolute euphoria

when my day comes
i know what i'll feel
i'll feel the fear
the realization
the regret
the awareness
the acceptance
it'll be the most terrifying and peaceful moment
the moment i was born to feel
the feeling i was destined to experience
starting as a twinkle in my fathers eye
the first atom in the giant explosion of stars and galaxies
that nonexistence gave birth to from the canal of endless black abyss

and just when i thought i had enough
i feel every part of myself ascending
this isn't love
this is the hardest **** ive ever smoked
high on lust
and baby
we've still got an ounce to smoke

how could you look at someone
and tell them
"how is anyone suppose to love you when you're sick?"
with fancy words
while they lie on their deathbed?

were you a bad person
purely so that i got the point that you didn't deserve me?

you werent the first
but you were THE first