ever feel
like a brat? so unfair,
like you'd trade it all? live bare
give up your bed, hit the streets.
to justify your hurt; make it feel complete?

you see,
we know we shouldn't feel this way.
food to eat, a place to stay.
is it selfish to want a break?
a moment of peace
for goodness sake?

or maybe i'm just a soul too deep
a secret i'm trying to keep.

i weigh twenty-one
and three tenth grams
so why does moving
feel so heavy?

like a dog tied to a tree
all i can do is bark
but no one can
hear me scream

why am i trapped
in a suit of flesh
if i am destined
to leave it?

to be loved endlessly
to have the screaming stop; just for a minute; in their arms-

I do not know how to describe it.

for as long as i have known,
i have never slept
without my shoulders heavy and back in unwinding knots.

im not even ******* grown yet.
it scares me;
adolescence has gotten me all twisted up
whatever will happen,
when i fall to the mercy of the treacherous claws of life?

sometimes i wonder,
where the **** did my adolescence even go?
man i just want to be a kid
to live my beautiful kid life
without any pain
in a dreamy house with a burning fire
parents, who love, with a desire;
to live,
to flourish!
friends, free and true
none of this rivalry; ado.

when trying
to pour your heart out
to the one person you love
is met with rejection
and disdain
the heart becomes a sealed chamber
never revealing itself to anyone ever again

i know i am an abomination
i know you wish i were never born
i know that my existence defines your ruin
well guess what?
me.
f**king.
too.
i do not wish to be here.
i never asked for this.
and yet,
i love you endlessly.
and i always will
for i do not know anything else.

i do not know a world where i have not loved you and you have not hurt me

i was all but 7,
the first time i hated the number i saw on the scale.
u fed that to me.
and 7 year old me,
all she wanted was to become the version of herself that was worthy of your love.
i know that i am not worthy of your love.
i know.
and i'm sorry..

every night before i go to bed,
i craft my mask
for my upcoming performance of course!
perfectly powdered cheeks, flawless.
lashes curled, a rosy smile-
always a smile.
Silent, Unseen,
always a smile.

in the cold, dark glass,
i look at myself in the mirror's depths.
the real me.
i see a twisted, gnarled mess.
a frown, eyes brimming with distress.
torn apart by her cruel mind.

how i wish the mask would set in,
so i wouldn't have to prepare this facade,
every.
single.
day.

I'm tired.

What if,
I don't have the will to craft the mask tonight?
What if I simply indulge in slumber's gentle light?
Without the weight of the mask upon my sight?

no.

they won't accept me.
and i cannot bear their disdain you see,
and so,
the everlasting performance, it must be.

what must i do,
to break free,
from the suffocating shackles of this mind.
To truly live,
to silence all doubt,
and end this lingering worry.
What must i do?