do you know the weight of it?
clawing your way up
test after test,
year after year,
to be the perfect reflection of the dreams they have for you,
those that are now your own.
where your worth now hangs.

when they see the prize,
they say, 'oh it comes so easily to her'

Easily?

i bled for this.
i screamt for this.
and my mind?
it whispers
'this is just what you're supposed to do'
you are 'gifted'
its your mere responsibility.
nothing to celebrate. nothing special.

isnt it?

you knew I was lost,
you took advantage of that.

i had to accept your touch
i had to understand your desire
and your hand on my body
left a mark

i broke into pieces,
with your touch that I can't wash away
and with your face,
which I cannot forget


now am silenced
for the rest of my days

'you're my world' he'd say
then immediately fade away

w h o r e
     what a life
shamed for the hands I never wanted upon myself
scorned for the advantage he took
the advantage he took because I was broken
too broken to refuse
voice drowned out

because he's all I ever had

i'm scared that you'd do what you always do
get me on the fence
feigned proclamations of love
that i believe
your little dove

let you come back
just for you to say
'its only for a minute'
and before i can protest
you use me and disappear
leaving only fear, so clear.

why do u fill the gaping darkness inside of me so perfectly
maybe then i'd learn that its all an illusion, certainly.

i let you take me. 
is what u want me to believe
heresay 'no' wasn't loud enough
but i loved you
i really did
for a long time even after it happened
i don't want you to come back
because im scared

they say love is strong enough to transcend dimensions
but when its not reciprocated
when you'd do anything for them
well then you're not very safe, are you?

capricious: an outcome driven by sudden, unpredictable change (adjective)

your head gets heavy
a feeling of doom springs about
it lingers
enveloping you in fumes of doubt
it sets in, a cloud above your head.

it takes control
a silent, grey dread

colours fade out,
light grows dim
the heaviness spreads,
filling your eyes to the brim
shades of grey is all you can see

you search for colour,
desperately
to bring you back to reality

for the world you knew
sinks beneath the tide
into the dark abyss
of your mind
where shadows hide.

the abyss becomes all you know.