If love is a game to you,

I choose not to play.

Today I am broken,
But I am still the person I came as.
I am still strong and I still have strength left to give,
I know you liked to see me crumbling apart,
Left in ruins while trying to find my beating heart.
At least it’s how I felt,
Today is a better day than any to grow a little more.
To repair and replace,
As I rebuild the castle inside of me.

I'm tired of worrying if
I'll eat my words one day,
say too much; love too

much

I would rather regret
what I said over what
I can no longer say

walking into school
i almost had a heart attack
i swear i saw you walking
right in front of me
i heard you’re laugh
for the first time in months

i put some speed in my step
as i walked to chemistry
trying to get you next to me
i couldn’t believe it was you

but of course
it wasn’t you
you’ve been dead since last july
so i the middle of the hallway
i started to cry

I miss you,
I do
You said I had to be okay
When you left
But you’re the only thing keeping me glued
I wanted to leave
Disappear without a trace
Sit in my bathroom with bottles
In my hands
And fade away
but I thought of you instead
How you would die inside
More
And I knew I couldn’t
Because we are each others glue
You keep me here
Why can’t I keep you here
I miss you
I do
I picked up the phone call
Because it said from New Jersey
I didn’t tell her how my heart dropped
When I saw it
I didn’t tell her that I was terrified
That you had done it
I told her instead
Thank you for letting me know she’s okay
While my insides were falling to pieces
Knowing you were hurting
Relapsing
Alone
I need you here can’t you see
I need the beautiful
Curly haired girl
With a dog named Daisy
With the ethereal soul
And caring heart
I need her
I’m can’t breathe properly without knowing
Whether you’re safe or not today
I miss you
I do
I painted you a picture
I’m not even artistic
But I painted it anyway
The moon
The one we promised to look at every night
And know the other was seeing the same
A road
Smooth except for one crack
Down the middle
With a dandelion growing from it
I thought of you
On that blank canvas
It silently screamed
This was made to be for her
So I did
The stubborn dandelion
Growing where it wishes
Growing despite the unwelcoming circumstances
I miss you
I do
Watching the videos over again
Just to hear your voice
I need you to exist
One day will come soon enough
The hurt will fade someday
And everything will be okay
Love him
Hug him
Write words of beautiful power and pain
Create art out of junk
Hate trump
Pet your dog
Live
Live
Live
Live
Please
Because I miss you
I do

“such a happy girl”
2017: yes cuz i’m getting ice cream!!!
2024: yes cuz tonight i am attempting.

see the difference?
no?
i wouldn’t think so.

I wish there was a better way,
To show things will get better,
Than stupid umbrella metaphors.
Because the truth is,
No amount of wisdom can really help,
When darkness is a brainless beast.

I wish there was a way to make things change,
Nothing big,
Just to shake up the rocks.
To unstuck everybody who needs it,
It’s not much compared to these pains,
But I promise we will see the sun.

I’ve learned to listen when my mother talks,
I’ve become so used to thriving off of hastily done love.
Patience is so hard to use,
But that’s why they call it virtue,
I could crawl back into the arms of another someone.
Or I could start to let go,
Of these hopeless pleads for romance.
Truthfully I don’t need anyone but me,
To know I’m worth it,
To know I’ve made it.


Rest, you’ve come so far.


I’ve learned to listen when my mother talks,
That if I keep chasing the broken,
And expecting full light,
I’m not right.
That you can love somebody,
That isn’t good for you,
And still keep them in your heart,
Hope that they grow beyond what keeps them down.


Mama said no broken girls


I’m sorry that I didn’t stick around,
Sometimes I wonder what would happen,
If we tried to stick it out.
Next Fourth of July,
I don’t think I’ll go to see the fireworks.
Instead I’ll stay a little longer at the family BBQ,
Get to know my family a little better than I have.
Because in this world we don’t get to choose blood,
But we do get to choose who we love with,
I’m sorry I didn’t choose you.


If we had come along a little later :(