Why do we inflict,
So much pain,
On strangers,
On those we love,
Is it so hard,
For us to see,
The consequences

Dead eyes,
                         blue bones.*


              *I feel empty

                                                     I feel empty

I feel empty


                                                         **Cages.

Sounds like sunshine,
On a gasoline rainbow,
And throwing rocks in the lake,
While reenacting that scene,
From the 50s movie you saw last week,
Where some 20-something doll face,
Spins about with her hands in the sky,
Giggling in a daisy field,
In god-knows-where,
While Mr Might-be-right,
Watches from the hood of his rusty pick up truck,
Inhaling tobacco fumes like there's no tomorrow


*Lovely

You might as well bleach the salt from your skin.
It will still taste of ashes.

I'm going to be somebody someday.

I'm going to matter, be something
worth the minute it would have taken to say 'hi'.

I'm going to be loved, more than just temporarily.

I'm going to be worth more than a birthday card
with no greeting, no hugs, no wishes.

I'm going to be somebody you can't touch,
Someone happy, somebody with someone to come home to.

I'm going to be someone, without you.

I feel coldness within me,
the gentle thrum of my quiet heart.
Frantic, muffled beating,
that hums against my ribs,
gaining momentum,
as pupils swallow irises;

all consuming blackness.

As usual I'm unsure,
If all he is,
Are good intentions,
Laced around the temptation,
Of curiousity,
Could there be a dark side?
The thought of such,
A delicate evil,
Revives hopeful nausea,
And the consequence,
Overwhelmes me

Sign me up for hell,
I'm no better than you,
God bore me no soul,
I'll take my death wish,
My satanic mercy,
I rather forfeit to temptation,
Than force bitter life upon myself,
In the name of God,
Escaping sin for second chances,
Call me faithless,
I'll be ******

Clouds fill the emptiness,
Grey and cold,
Stone clouds,
Masking the blue,
Soft, sweet blue,
From view,
For we are powerless,
To clouds

I bet you never noticed
Before. Isn't it obvious now,
Take a look, it's not
Going anywhere. Take
A look, it'll burn cracks
Into your irises.

I just want to be,
Another acoustic note,
Played under your fingers

Lying awake,
In my safe, warm bed,
Aching to surrender,
To sleep,
But fighting to stay,
Awake, thinking,
For thought, by far,
Is a sweeter indulgence,
Than the comfort,
Of unconciousness

Breathing's barely bareable,
I'm losing this thing called control,
It's like a car-crash,
Like a whorl-wind,
Like the stabbing of a knife,
Through the black bruise,
On your broken heart,
That tears at your insides,

Flashback back to better times,
When I don't dream,
And you don't cry,
Pull me back to stable days,
And nights of certainty,
Fall out of time and make us right,
Pull the trigger and say good-bye,
Take me back: I miss you

She liked to run once,
And smile,
Laugh,
'Til tears fell from her eyes,

She used to sing,
And scream,
From the top of her lungs,
Just for the fun of it,

She was smaller then,
Small enough to fall,
Through the cracks,
To fit the spaces,

She used to feel it,
The happiness,
When she looked to the sky,
Spread beneath her feet,

Her eyes were warm once,
Liquid and soft,
Full of life,
Hopeful and young,

She used to be perfect,
But perfect's never real enough,
To last

So here I am again,
Back to bleeding,
Waiting in the dark,
Overwhelmed and underrated,
Just hoping you can hear me,
And in my darkest hours,
I wonder where you are,
Was I on your mind,
For even a moment

Examine my gentle veins,
Below my subtle skin,
Fair and Ivory,
I yearn for you,
Your passioned touch,
Your soft, sweet whispers,
Music, music for angels,
Dear corrupted Saint,
With your fingers,
Brushing my tear-stained cheek,
Sing, sing my string of thoughts,
Entangle your rough hands,
Entwine them with mine,
And we shall rest our weary heads

It could be clarity,
If I opened my eyes

Sunlight grazes,
Soft and warm,
Subtle on my shoulder,
Paired with the sweetness,
Of summer air,
That touch becomes intoxicating,
Melting through the ice,
Of loneliness,
Evoking thoughts,
Of a gentler presence,
That breathes life,
Into my flooded lungs

Here I am,
With my scattered shrapnel heart,
Dug like thorns in my sides,
Now full with holes,
And cancerous disease,
I've waited so long,
For this certain release,
Yet I find myself sickened,
By my own temptation,
And through my pain,
I have sickened you too,
Made trenches of hairline fractures,
Through my self-destruction,
I've lost the only person,
Who could ever save me,
And I see now,
What burden I've become

Twigs
Snap like fingers together
I can feel
You, in the wind

Lost,
In my labrinth of depression,
Cold, lonely,
The sky threatening to drown me,
With its heavy rain,
I don't believe in gravity,
Do I believe in anything?
I question my world,
My empty world,
What else is there?
I ask no-one,
I have no faith,
No choice but to roam,
This lonely prison,
I walk,
One step, two steps,
Why can't I go further?
I am not afraid!
"Yes, you are",
Heaven calls,
But I do not believe in Heaven,
I step into Hell,
*Isn't that where I was anyway?

Maybe now you're standing tall,
But someday when you wake,
You'll find yourself lost once more,
Short of breath on your empty throne,
And when you take the shallow blade,
Buring through your skin,
Like you remember,
You'll miss me

Words so safe,
So sweet,
Like oxegyn,
After prolonged suffocation,
I breathe them in,
The words,
Flood my lungs,
But there are never enough

The rotten linen weave,
Of my mind,
Losing fabrication,
Your voice is slipping,
And our eyes,
Are drawn out on our tongues,
Into vessels,
Cold heat and passion,
Dead in the instant,
Of it's creation

For your call,
I was so impatiently,
Lying in the rainfall,
Each second, an eternity,

Hours pass slowly,
Surely years have gone by,
If only immediately,
You would reply

Good girls sew their mouths shut.
We stitch our eyes closed
and turn down the volume
of our breathing.

Dressed up in stereotypes
with our limbs twisted
for a taste of something
of substance.

No trespass of emotion;
no warmth to expose us
to cold beds and cold hands.

Good girls sew their minds shut
and do as they're told.

The rumours,
Consume my confidence,
And my faith,
Collapses,
Along with my reasons,
To live

You taste like emotion,
Gone cold and stale,
Like raw metal,
In an acid wash,
Out of date and high toxicity,
The kind I'd mix into my organs,
If I felt like giving up

I cannot endure
this loveless
existence.

I used to think you knew me.
Now you just hold my lungs underwater.

Blue,
Blue are your eyes,
Sad blue,
Cold blue,
Filling with lies,
Like my heart with hatred,
For blue,
In those same eyes,
Once I saw glimmers and glints,
Of honesty,
Hopeful blue,
But I realised too late,
The tyranny of blue,
The twistedness of blue,
Empty, heartless,
Blue

I see two paths,
two lives for myself -
with him I am cast into
an ocean of untamed feeling,
lost to reason,
and floating off into an unseeable future.
With the other, I am held fast,
held close by his love
and burrowed deep into the earth;
an old tree that twists faithfully
growing strong and aging gently
across the planes of a lifetime.
How am I to love -
who am I to be, to choose,
to sink into.
I feel the pull of his tumultuous waves
and the roots that simultaneously
bind me to the earthly warmth
of another kind of man.

It used to be a game,
A bet with chance,
A cross with time,
With years gone by,
The reasons changed,
I bleed to survive,
I'm anchored by pain

I speak,
In a string of words,
Placed carefully,
Side by side,
Line after line,
Imposing myself,
On the broken world,
For the loss,
Of composure

I'm trembling, terrified;
that you'll look down sweetly
into my dark eyes
and hit a dead end.

Counterfeit contortions,
And your twisted edge,
Smooth and cold,
Black, dead confessions,
Promise like they mean it,
Full of choking,
And hands pulling,
Breaking,
Over-board and sick,
On overdoses of white,
And narcotic senses,
Tasting of dust and screams,
Lost and angered,
Thrown in all directions,
Like you could hide,
Your distortions

This pain is not new,
Not different,
Just stronger,
Sharper,
More threatening,
It's like glass,
Mapping out my insides,
Leaving wounds,
That will surely remain forever,
It's tearing me apart

It's funny how easily,
The lies slip,
From my lips,
'Are you okay, Nicola?',
Of course,
I tell them all,
(Except for him, of course),
Lies, lies, lies,
It's obvious I'm dying,
But it's for their own good,
Love trumps morals,
If they knew...
It would all be over,
Just not in the way,
I want it to be