i stared into the fire
and the flames bent to form an image
no one else could see

i sat out in the rain
till my fingers turned blue
and ran my hands under cold water

it burned like a *******
relatively scalding
and i hate that this is where i am

warmth sounds almost unbearable
compared to suffering i know
don't tell me i'm not feeling enough

i've felt so much
i open my chest
and swallow the world with my eyes
and dissect all the ways that it hurts me
and regurgitate what little sense i make

is it wrong to not want to stay in the cycle
am i wrong to leave you behind
i don't wanna contribute
i never did
that's why i won't have ******* kids


i told you to your face tonight
how shallow my well of reasons draws
to keep playing such stupid games

if love isn't enough
then what even is
i was born without permission
and i live in this world
but i'm never gonna change it

yeah
that's it for me

social situation
side conversation
disinterest is blatant
visibly deflated
trying to be patient
but i can see you hate it
though you try to fake it
you're dying to leave, face it
playing with feelings is dangerous
just put me down, i can take it
it's hard to love a heart like mine, easier to break it
but it's harder to just bid you adieu, if you never say it

no thanks
not now
i'm flattered
you're down
but honestly
don't wanna be your rebound
spent too much time
thinking about
everything else
i could do right now
you're cool
but i'm
just trying
to vibe
don't want you
to clamp on too tight
you seem
too nice
knowing
my life
this is bound to
bite
me
in the ***
the second
i relax
said i liked you
i take it back
***** to do
but i retract
don't want
none of that
wanna keep
my sanity intact

crave the beauty
not the madness
wanna hold her
but not her baggage
would spend all day drooling
looking into those eyes
but can not handle
how often they cry
you're too naive
to love her as a whole
and thats why you are
still a bro

needles and pins
if not now then when
a thought makes me wince
i loathe myself for needing

to be high for this
and thinking about him
might not give into my whims
but it's not a good way of thinking

staring out but lost deep within
hearing nothing but the wind
phantasizing fingertips
i feel shame for dreaming so freely

but then again
i'll never touch another skin
so does it even count as sin
if you knew, would you leave me?

i could love you
if you let me
god i want you
but you're not ready
the timing is bad
and you're so unsteady
got the tendency
to regret things
and i don't want you
to regret me
i don't wanna push you
or stand here begging
i know my intensity
might be distressing
finding this situation
so upsetting
i could love you
if you let me
but you might be better off
if you just forget me

the sweet things sting now
kisses make me flinch
everything that made me curl in
now makes me crawl in my skin
the deja vu of being not enough
the pain of losing your love
shivering with thoughts of you leaving me
duly i come undone

wanna float away
from this house of pain
this body of shame
the duties of this name

wanna melt into a dream
far from this reality
be a different version of me
one who's actually happy

wanna soak in a pool of light
i bet it would feel so nice
an illuminated paradise
in love i am paralyzed

but my ankles are weighted
and i can't be sedated
in the dark barricaded
miserable alone and naked

i'm so tired
my eyes have rolled back
i can't focus on the words leaving your mouth
i respect you
i swear
its just that my brain is shutting down
you don't understand
i'm not trying to offend
in fact i wish it was any time but now
just give me space
let me drift away briefly
and i'll come back seeming as reasonable as i sound

turn away
don't look
you can't see me like this

i'm supposed to be perfect
but every part of me
is amiss

something needs to be fixed
would be blessed to be the ground
on which you spit

i'm too ugly
to be on the receiving end
of your kiss

here goes
what ever shall i do
if i can't get a pinch
of affection from you
do or die
and i will right in this spot
don't even dare
i'm just dealing with some thoughts
cause it's all inside my head
and the worst part is
i know it's all inside my head
and i still can't fight it

know you got options
but i want to be your preference
know it's silly to be like this
but i'd feel stupid if i didn't preface
this whole interaction
by saying that i'm fragile
know it feels good to be wanted
and i'm easy to dazzle
i can't force you to commit
just praying i'm not one of many
understand if you're not interested
just gotta be real with me

what if i kiss him and he stays a frog
if it turns out he was never a prince all along

i feel so good
i feel loose
i feel ready
i feel the need to be used
i feel like satin
wrapped into a noose
i feel like death
glamorized and seduced
i feel a lot
yet i feel reduced
but i feel it can be fixed
if i could feel you

i hope it feels good
to see me in pain
otherwise you would have
would have to be insane
to hurt someone
that loves you more than themselves
you're the reason i'm drowning
that's why i didn't ask for help

i hope it feels good
choosing her over me
what are the perks
they must be amazing
because you haven't considered me
no, not once
when will the day come
that i matter to someone

i hope it feels good
to have her presence like a shadow
in every part of your life, always with you
the darkness enhances your glow
even if i know you
do not care about how i feel
these emotions take over
and the hatred becomes more real

feel so stupid 
feel so dumb
feel too old
to be this young
feel too broken
and seem too weak
feel too overwhelmed 
to know how to speak
cause it feels so hard
and hurts so bad
it's a neverending storm of issues
that makes me feel like crap
just feel so cut off
disconnected from everyone else
feel so much
i can't think beyond myself
consumed by obssesions
compulsed to hurt
driven to insanity
enslaved to the words
as i lay with my eyes wide open
and feel like its all too much
i feel empty and like
i'm about to explode all at once
cause im pulled apart
by who i am and who i was
so who i want to be tends
to get left behind in the dust
and i struggle to behave
the way that i should
inside there's a war
and i'm praying that the good
can overcome the evil
that wants to surface
a battle between 
living or dying to be perfect
i just feel so stupid
so dumb so discouraged 
like i could try my hardest
and it wouldnt be worth it
because i'd fail not only myself
but everyone around me
one second i'm blissfully ignorant
the next i am drowning
i don't know where this comes from
i'm scared to be alone
the voices in my head take over
and tell you what they know

can't we talk
instead of punching walls
or were we just destined to implode

am i wasting time
avoiding a fight
not even sure i wanna know

spent a lot of time here
don't wanna leave now
too tired to keep defending
will you take this chance to shoot me down
or am i safe to sleep on your chest
for the night
need a person to curb
the coldness inside

can you be that person?

paralyzed
in my uselessness
holding my heart
wondering what to do with it
throw it overboard
and let it sink to the trenches
or soak in gasoline
and burn it like the witches
should i throw it at walls
till it finally stops bleeding
hold my breathe as long as i can
till it stops beating
staring at this futile object
in terror and disgust
i need to get it away from me
before it gives me up

you make it about winnin'
a competition
i'm not here to compete
i'm here to be with you

if you really wanna make it
about who takes first place this
is not going to last
and that's the sad truth

i wanna be your partner
not fight to see who'll go farther
to see the other falter
i don't wanna fight to the death

stop trying to make everything a contest
i'm tired and unimpressed
with your defensive strategies
and this fabricated rivalry in your head

gotta run before i crack
never seen me leave so fast
can't ever come back
eyes on the road before i crash

too much has happened
in the last couple minutes
can't seem to breathe
and the room is spinnin'
maybe i'm crazy
to have thought we were in this
thing together
now i just wanna forget it

so i'm running away into the night
leaving nothing but a note
thanking you for all the times
explaining why i had to go
not telling the truth because it hurts
just smoothing this over before i can't
as much as i wanted this to work
i don't think you'll ever understand

why so gloomy
why so sad
it couldn't possibly be
that bad
brighten up
put a smile on your face
if you try hard enough
you'll be okay
it's not as horrible
as you think
just a knee to a neck
a body in the street
take a deep breath
and keep walking
pretend the corpse
isn't rotting
that buildings
aren't raided and burning
that a whole race of people
haven't been hurting
you just need to let it go
and stop those tears
"but isn't that exactly
what got us here?"

the kind of filth
i can't scrub away
sleepwalking through life
to cope with the pain
can't sleep can't dream
can't remember the last time i ate
like to lose track
stare at the plate till it breaks
sweep up the shards
blink and realize none of it was real
there's no more normal
no certain way to feel
vacant
but emotionally unavailable
dizzy oriented
were you ever even saveable

seriously
there is no point
for me to
wake up
if
at the end
of the day
i cry
myself
to
sleep
because
i
have to
wake up
the next day.

i hate my life.

it feels like
two magnets pushing apart from each other
if you use enough force they'll touch
but the second you ease up
they repel one another as before
i'm tired of being that force
for us

what did you come here looking for
nothing good i know
we can't go back though it'd be nice
there's too much to unknow
by now and we've already
ripped up the notes
abandoned the dreams
and sealed off the roads
gave up all hope

there's no coming back from this
i hate to say
you run back to me
but i can't keep you safe
feigning comfort in what you know
a familiar face
makes it easy to forget
how much you hate
me and our fate
carefully buried away
lying to yourself is not the way

hearing from you is so nice
but i need you to not
not intending to hurt you
when i ask you to stop

clouded by a need for affection
you think you know what i need
you just know what you want
even if its not good for me
even if its not good for you
you dive for the prize
i know how this ends
don't need to bleed out twice

purgatory
save your stories
i'm ignoring you
like you ignore me
not ready to
know the gory
details so could you
can it for me
could you walk away
and leave it be
for once maybe
consider me
for you
that seems to be
an impossibility

storm cloud on a sunny day
looming and impending rain
washing over us with never ending pain

a darkness i brought
a guilt you took on
but i promise that none of this is your fault

we head separate ways alone
there's things about the other we'll never know
when i got scared i should've said so

there was so much i let get in the way
in a different world we would be okay
but people grow and people change

in the darkness i brought on us
you were light and calm and warm and trust
but the storm turned out to be too much

ran out of power
things went **** in an hour
sweet memories turn sour

we were great now we're in tatters
who knew effort mattered
only a **** reality to have after

self destructive and i'm not gonna fight it
i've lost my purpose and i'm tired of trying to find it
this isn't living and i'd barely call it surviving
i'm gonna go now and don't worry about trying find me