what is the implosion of hope of living a good life
when the expectation was that i'd be rotted by now
in an ideal world, next to my brother
under a nice patch of grass and deep in the ground
but he sits in a box on a very high shelf
and my oldest brother takes him down once a year
weeping countrywide like the drunks we are
tears spilling and he finishes his beer

what's left of our brother returned to his birds eye view
August is coming so fast i don't know what to do
but revert to pretending youre still out there somewhere we cannot find
because that's easier to swallow than saying goodbye
for the thousandth time

i'm so alone

see that you're on right now
pondering what would happen if we talked right now
we're both more than able but its clear
that you don't want me around
but i know you're up in bed
thoughts messing with your head
or maybe that's just me
i remember when you said
that i was perfect for you
what happened to us two
i probably shouldn'tve pushed you away
but i didn't know what else to do
when the feelings started to change
stopped smiling when you said my name
just hurting one another
didn't wanna be the cause of your pain
so i released you to the skies
just to dream of you every night
it's been long enough now
but you still cross my mind
and in another world we'd be okay
but that time is not today
even after all the **** you did
i hope you feel loved and happy and safe

handed you the knife
and turned my back
convinced love was
supposed to feel like that
looking over shoulders
and fear of constant pain
feeling safe nowhere
not even in my brain

now you raise your hand
and i draw that same knife
i'm not waiting to be murdered anymore
i'm fighting for my life
you might not have hurt me even
but i would've never been saved
you were fine with seeing
your reflection in the blade

reaching for the rope
you insist on trying to hide
without something to grasp
i cannot climb

give me a chance
cut me some slack
stop trying to
hold me back

i wanna go higher
but your actions keep me grounded
you can't stand to see me soar
so you leave me stranded on this mountain

soon enough i'll grow desperate to fly
i'll quit waiting for you to understand
i'll stop being afraid to undermine you
and scale this peak with my bare hands

just wanna be happy
why is that so bad
i can't care anymore and i am sorry
if that makes you sad
always complaining about something
i tried to have your back
but the negativity gets old
real ******* fast

all i need is a reason
but you can't give me that
because you know i'm right for this
even if it makes you mad
i tried to be there for you
now we're just on different paths
so many things i want to have
can't miss something i never had

grew close
too fast
the most
so fast
you go
i crash
who knows
my ***

made me regret
giving my heart permission
to trust you
memories leave me sickened

aren't you proud
did you get what you wanted
got your distance so keep it
don't ask for nothing

****** it up
done ****** it up
i'd ask you to say sorry
but i've heard enough
i'd ask for comfort
but comfort isn't love
and you ****** it up
you hurt me and that's the last
time i will let you in no matter
how many times you ask
have to focus on my future
let go of my past
so if you try to approach me
understand why i'm gonna
have to pass
because i don't need the drama
or the lies
or the tears
find a place to go
cause i don't want you here
i was so ******* generous
but i've had it up to here
i can't keep asking myself
the same questions
in the mirror
like if you really loved me
or were you just pulling strings
was it something i did?
say?
think?
is there something wrong with me?
maybe if i changed this
you would think i was ****
oh
the ways you made me feel were so unhealthy
made me hate myself
for not living your lie
for not being able to satisfy
for being hurt
for wanting to cry
i hated everything that made me doubt you disguise
like those times at night
when i couldn't breathe
even though you were right next me
when i'd look at you
but you'd look through me
or when you held me
but i still felt empty
those were the signs
so blatant and twisted
too bent
they hurt to know
so i ignored them
but i now know better
than to do that again

belligerent ****
look what you've done
and become
why'd you even come

incapable of not loving you
i know thats impossible
but i can't keep being your friend
that'd be irresponsible
so here's a letter and kiss
don't try to find me once i'm gone
this choice wasn't easy
but staying would've just been wrong
to me, to my dreams
unfair to my heart
i'll cherish our time together
respect my choice to part

the anger waits in my bones
till i'm all alone
and it makes do things i don't wanna

or maybe i do
because of how much i hate you
but disguise to avoid all the drama

but deep down it waits
perpetually stagnantes
till i can't hold it in

the urge to cause pain
to watch it register on your face
and sweep across your skin

only a couple words
or maybe something worse
but look at what i'dve done

i don't need to be you
or turn myself into
the monster you want me to become

**** caring
**** trying
**** waiting
**** crying
**** being there
to get lied to
**** feeling alone
right beside you
**** dying
for you to notice
**** investing
in something so hopeless
**** the emotions
that cloud my mind
**** coming back
every single time
**** loving you
being my only purpose
**** not being enough ever
**** feeling worthless
**** being me
**** it all
**** loving you too much
to say that it's your fault

you say
a safe space
at your place
no more reason to chase

urge to scream
but i can't breathe
don't need
you objectifying me

they're boys
not toys
wasn't
their choice
to end up smack
in the trap
shouldn't have to
watch their backs
they couldn't understand
haven't had the chance
sheltered from these sorts of things
by being a "man"

that kindness i'd extended
withdrawn
i hoped you'd be different
i hoped wrong
you dont know what you want
dragging this on
want me soft enough to crush
want me easy and gone
i dont care at all
but i still do
tell myself
i dont want to hear from you
but there's nothing wrong
with the truth
a small part of me wishes
you're wishing too
struggling with accepting
that i'm not wrong feeling these ways
the highs of intimacy
and the confusion of space
wanting all the beautiful things
strewn about my brain
quite far from reality
but it's an addicting escape
from the depressing finalities
set in stone
i listen to logic
but i also don't know
it all makes sense
but i still don't
want it to end
but i won't stop you though

i took all of my chances
and its your turn to walk off the ledge
backwards
and blindfolded
just trusting me to catch you
and who knows
maybe i just would
or maybe you'd fall into the same trap
but you'll never find out
because you don't find me worthy of such
probability

would rather shatter both of my kneecaps.
before i bow to you

you might think that i'm just an angsty kid
and that tradition instills beauty
but i say ***** your rules

there is something innately authentic
about the things i do

you hide behind your structures and stanzas
judging me for wanting
to try something new

get it out so i can leave
taking your anger out on me
like you always do
cause you always assume
stay mad if you want
i did what i could
swear that you hate me
this time for good

if thats the case
don't put yourself in the way
wanna push me away
then push me all the ******* way
repeatedly ask for your space
i graciously obey
then i guess you wait
till i finally feel like i've escaped

say whatever it is you need to
as if you haven't already said enough
i'm giving you this chance
though you wouldn't offer me as much
i'm just tired of sitting through your preaching
in your effort to make
me love you more than myself
or become consumed in self hate

you dont want to see me happy
you want me to play a role in yours
you think you know all there is to know
about life and determine its a chore
if you feel like that then hate yourself
and stay out of my life
i tried to care about you genuinely
but i'll never put more effort into yours than mine

preoccupied
disqualified
i couldn't be anymore open

pushed aside
demonized
turned to my devotion

pick a side
is this goodbye
back and forth
in my mind
god give me a sign
tell me what is right
it's not easy to decide
if i want him in my life
so i go back on my word
and forgive him everytime
if it feels so good
why does it cut like a knife

i don't know what to feel
skipping through varied presentations
from unmatchedly detached
to being suspended in world-bending self realization

jumping realities
like seats on a bus
the one where i mattered
others i wane to discuss

trying to find meaning
where there may be none
assumptions are the extension
of problems i can't outrun

even in my dreams
i'm turning on the spit
no repose from settling finalities
mulling us over until we're but its and bits

but i'm still breathing
but i'm still bleeding
day after day
belonging is fleeting

maybe i'll rubberband into a new normal
or maybe i'll snap trying
all i know is i can't just be here doing nothing
it almost feels like dying

i don't know what to feel
it's foolish to speak out of frustration
but the lonelier i am, the scarier it gets
is it wrong to hope i'm not invisible in my devastation

   𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐡!
my fairweather friends are calling
i'll just let the phone ring and ring and ring
i'm too tired to be Me™
when everything is not what it seems
  genuity don't mean a thing
  did it ever really
  was it nothing more than pity
  off to make some other history
     would you claim this as a victory
     are my questions falling worthlesssly on deaf ears
     i never want to see you again
     and i wish you were here







uiɐɓɐ sɐʍ ʇi ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ ǝq ɹǝʌǝu uɐɔ ʇi

simply uncivil
inconsiderate
selfish and in denial

my understanding and patience
is not a given
yet you still feel entitled

so what if you want more
if you don't want it all
the mental vacations you go on
everytime i try to talk
about the ******* problems
you ignore because they don't affect you
i'm not here to be ignored
besides what else can i do
the second i'm inconvenient
you shut down and pull away
don't look at me like that now
you obviously wanted it this way

cause how many bridges am i supposed to rebuild
couldn't tell me when it has gone too far
you want what you want and you do what you do
even if it means breaking my heart

so buck the **** up since you're so tough
and none of it ever mattered
i'm gonna be fine just give it some time
once i'm detached from this disaster

go ahead and show me
what i'm missing and how you're so ******* amazing
i've seen enough and i lost nothing
but a person who lied in love because they thought they could replace me

uneasy but thats fine
its okay take your time
i'm only dying inside
i only waited to talk to you all night
i only wanted to not feel alone in my mind
i'm not blaming you its just that i
wasn't ready for goodbye
even though i said it was alright

you don't want this
you don't want me
your words are lies
i can't compete
she's so beautiful
that my eyes bleed
it's just no use
can't you see
you dont have to pretend
i understand
don't come close
watch where you stand
i mistake friendship for love
so i can't hold your hand
this isn't what you want
leave while you can
i'll love you when you're gone
don't mind my crying
i know my place in your life
don't try to make it better by lying
you kiss me in the dark
so you dont have to see how i'm dying
this connection is killing me
my circuits are frying
as much as i know i need it
my heart can't take anymore
half of me wants to be with you
and the other half is already out the door
even if yours is the best
it cant go on like it has before
the highs are so ******* good
but this next time i know i will die right here on this hotel floor
yes you say the words
but i hear i hear it in your tone
i'm gonna leave you first
if i have to be alone
i know you love her more
though you tell me not to go
i dont want to be your lie
no more waiting myself to a pile of bones

strangers indifferent
to the others existence
brought you together
regret that decision
you forget who i was
pick at who i am
push me to the edge
off making 'better friends'
made for each other
all the toxicities align
better you block you own opportunities
than keep ******* with mine