what did you come here looking for
nothing good i know
we can't go back though it'd be nice
there's too much to unknow
by now and we've already
ripped up the notes
abandoned the dreams
and sealed off the roads
gave up all hope

there's no coming back from this
i hate to say
you run back to me
but i can't keep you safe
feigning comfort in what you know
a familiar face
makes it easy to forget
how much you hate
me and our fate
carefully buried away
lying to yourself is not the way

hearing from you is so nice
but i need you to not
not intending to hurt you
when i ask you to stop

clouded by a need for affection
you think you know what i need
you just know what you want
even if its not good for me
even if its not good for you
you dive for the prize
i know how this ends
don't need to bleed out twice

purgatory
save your stories
i'm ignoring you
like you ignore me
not ready to
know the gory
details so could you
can it for me
could you walk away
and leave it be
for once maybe
consider me
for you
that seems to be
an impossibility

storm cloud on a sunny day
looming and impending rain
washing over us with never ending pain

a darkness i brought
a guilt you took on
but i promise that none of this is your fault

we head separate ways alone
there's things about the other we'll never know
when i got scared i should've said so

there was so much i let get in the way
in a different world we would be okay
but people grow and people change

in the darkness i brought on us
you were light and calm and warm and trust
but the storm turned out to be too much

ran out of power
things went **** in an hour
sweet memories turn sour

we were great now we're in tatters
who knew effort mattered
only a **** reality to have after

self destructive and i'm not gonna fight it
i've lost my purpose and i'm tired of trying to find it
this isn't living and i'd barely call it surviving
i'm gonna go now and don't worry about trying find me

what is the implosion of hope of living a good life
when the expectation was that i'd be rotted by now
in an ideal world, next to my brother
under a nice patch of grass and deep in the ground
but he sits in a box on a very high shelf
and my oldest brother takes him down once a year
weeping countrywide like the drunks we are
tears spilling and he finishes his beer

what's left of our brother returned to his birds eye view
August is coming so fast i don't know what to do
but revert to pretending youre still out there somewhere we cannot find
because that's easier to swallow than saying goodbye
for the thousandth time

i'm so alone

see that you're on right now
pondering what would happen if we talked right now
we're both more than able but its clear
that you don't want me around
but i know you're up in bed
thoughts messing with your head
or maybe that's just me
i remember when you said
that i was perfect for you
what happened to us two
i probably shouldn'tve pushed you away
but i didn't know what else to do
when the feelings started to change
stopped smiling when you said my name
just hurting one another
didn't wanna be the cause of your pain
so i released you to the skies
just to dream of you every night
it's been long enough now
but you still cross my mind
and in another world we'd be okay
but that time is not today
even after all the **** you did
i hope you feel loved and happy and safe

handed you the knife
and turned my back
convinced love was
supposed to feel like that
looking over shoulders
and fear of constant pain
feeling safe nowhere
not even in my brain

now you raise your hand
and i draw that same knife
i'm not waiting to be murdered anymore
i'm fighting for my life
you might not have hurt me even
but i would've never been saved
you were fine with seeing
your reflection in the blade

reaching for the rope
you insist on trying to hide
without something to grasp
i cannot climb

give me a chance
cut me some slack
stop trying to
hold me back

i wanna go higher
but your actions keep me grounded
you can't stand to see me soar
so you leave me stranded on this mountain

soon enough i'll grow desperate to fly
i'll quit waiting for you to understand
i'll stop being afraid to undermine you
and scale this peak with my bare hands

just wanna be happy
why is that so bad
i can't care anymore and i am sorry
if that makes you sad
always complaining about something
i tried to have your back
but the negativity gets old
real ******* fast

all i need is a reason
but you can't give me that
because you know i'm right for this
even if it makes you mad
i tried to be there for you
now we're just on different paths
so many things i want to have
can't miss something i never had

grew close
too fast
the most
so fast
you go
i crash
who knows
my ***

made me regret
giving my heart permission
to trust you
memories leave me sickened

aren't you proud
did you get what you wanted
got your distance so keep it
don't ask for nothing

interwoven
yet totally disparate
imparticular
and frustratingly intricate

did you even think before

deciding for another person
where do you get off decrying your worst sin

some might be gracious
but your gift is more than fruitless
the weight of your actions were always mine
and at some point i think you knew it

and you still added more

to this day you still refuse your sentence
guess you had to find some way to live with it


and i will never understand
and i will never hold your hand again
and i dont have it in me to be a friend
not when we were supposed to be family

not when you were supposed to protect us
not when you'd rather excuse than acknowledge
the rot you delivered us into
and the horrors in which we were abandoned

and the pain you turned away with discomfort
and your heinous ability to forget the worst
in an effort to obtain personal salvation
cause **** the kids you brought into this ****** up world

cause it isn't your fault
we hurt, right?

keep telling yourself that
it will never be true

****** it up
done ****** it up
i'd ask you to say sorry
but i've heard enough
i'd ask for comfort
but comfort isn't love
and you ****** it up
you hurt me and that's the last
time i will let you in no matter
how many times you ask
have to focus on my future
let go of my past
so if you try to approach me
understand why i'm gonna
have to pass
because i don't need the drama
or the lies
or the tears
find a place to go
cause i don't want you here
i was so ******* generous
but i've had it up to here
i can't keep asking myself
the same questions
in the mirror
like if you really loved me
or were you just pulling strings
was it something i did?
say?
think?
is there something wrong with me?
maybe if i changed this
you would think i was ****
oh
the ways you made me feel were so unhealthy
made me hate myself
for not living your lie
for not being able to satisfy
for being hurt
for wanting to cry
i hated everything that made me doubt you disguise
like those times at night
when i couldn't breathe
even though you were right next me
when i'd look at you
but you'd look through me
or when you held me
but i still felt empty
those were the signs
so blatant and twisted
too bent
they hurt to know
so i ignored them
but i now know better
than to do that again

belligerent ****
look what you've done
and become
why'd you even come

incapable of not loving you
i know thats impossible
but i can't keep being your friend
that'd be irresponsible
so here's a letter and kiss
don't try to find me once i'm gone
this choice wasn't easy
but staying would've just been wrong
to me, to my dreams
unfair to my heart
i'll cherish our time together
respect my choice to part

the anger waits in my bones
till i'm all alone
and it makes do things i don't wanna

or maybe i do
because of how much i hate you
but disguise to avoid all the drama

but deep down it waits
perpetually stagnantes
till i can't hold it in

the urge to cause pain
to watch it register on your face
and sweep across your skin

only a couple words
or maybe something worse
but look at what i'dve done

i don't need to be you
or turn myself into
the monster you want me to become

**** caring
**** trying
**** waiting
**** crying
**** being there
to get lied to
**** feeling alone
right beside you
**** dying
for you to notice
**** investing
in something so hopeless
**** the emotions
that cloud my mind
**** coming back
every single time
**** loving you
being my only purpose
**** not being enough ever
**** feeling worthless
**** being me
**** it all
**** loving you too much
to say that it's your fault

you say
a safe space
at your place
no more reason to chase

urge to scream
but i can't breathe
don't need
you objectifying me

they're boys
not toys
wasn't
their choice
to end up smack
in the trap
shouldn't have to
watch their backs
they couldn't understand
haven't had the chance
sheltered from these sorts of things
by being a "man"

that kindness i'd extended
withdrawn
i hoped you'd be different
i hoped wrong
you dont know what you want
dragging this on
want me soft enough to crush
want me easy and gone
i dont care at all
but i still do
tell myself
i dont want to hear from you
but there's nothing wrong
with the truth
a small part of me wishes
you're wishing too
struggling with accepting
that i'm not wrong feeling these ways
the highs of intimacy
and the confusion of space
wanting all the beautiful things
strewn about my brain
quite far from reality
but it's an addicting escape
from the depressing finalities
set in stone
i listen to logic
but i also don't know
it all makes sense
but i still don't
want it to end
but i won't stop you though

i took all of my chances
and its your turn to walk off the ledge
backwards
and blindfolded
just trusting me to catch you
and who knows
maybe i just would
or maybe you'd fall into the same trap
but you'll never find out
because you don't find me worthy of such
probability

would rather shatter both of my kneecaps.
before i bow to you

you might think that i'm just an angsty kid
and that tradition instills beauty
but i say ***** your rules

there is something innately authentic
about the things i do

you hide behind your structures and stanzas
judging me for wanting
to try something new

get it out so i can leave
taking your anger out on me
like you always do
cause you always assume
stay mad if you want
i did what i could
swear that you hate me
this time for good

if thats the case
don't put yourself in the way
wanna push me away
then push me all the ******* way
repeatedly ask for your space
i graciously obey
then i guess you wait
till i finally feel like i've escaped

say whatever it is you need to
as if you haven't already said enough
i'm giving you this chance
though you wouldn't offer me as much
i'm just tired of sitting through your preaching
in your effort to make
me love you more than myself
or become consumed in self hate

you dont want to see me happy
you want me to play a role in yours
you think you know all there is to know
about life and determine its a chore
if you feel like that then hate yourself
and stay out of my life
i tried to care about you genuinely
but i'll never put more effort into yours than mine

preoccupied
disqualified
i couldn't be anymore open

pushed aside
demonized
turned to my devotion