do you mean what you say
or are you just pulling strings?
i'm a ball of twine
unwinding me would take an eternity

you've never felt like yourself
since the day you were born
as long as you can remember 
you've been broken and worn
just to be somebody else
or to just learn what it means to be yourself
but you seem fine enough
despite how you have felt
so they let you pass
and you try to move on
but it all feels so hard
it all feels so wrong
but let me tell you something
i think you should know
if you're searching for a house
you'll never find your way home
if you dream someone else's dream
you'll never know your own
if you tell yourself to want what everyone else has
you wont realize you really don't 
if you strive to be another person
you wont know you're already perfect
if you let them set your price 
you'll always feel like you are worthless
so take the power
back into your hands
or take back the power
that you can
i know its scary
to not know exactly who you are
and that trying to trust the stranger that is your mind
can be really hard
but just know you can't go wrong
if you follow your heart
happiness will find you one day i promise
it's written in the stars

somebody is lying
and i know it's not me
you say whatever it takes
to slip underneath
defiling is easy
taking is too
irresistible sin
at least for you
but i'm too drunk
and i'm too scared
you're too selfish
to ******* care
i hadn't slept
on arrival i was wrecked
eyes a painful red
disgusted as i left
after two hours of awful sleep
the night finally hit me
and i cried the whole way home
i wish i just ignored my phone
they never mean what they say
they'll lie to get their way
half the job is done if they get you through the door
and since i accepted the invitation it cant be ****
i can hear the ***** gallery calling me a regretful *****

i dont need them to believe me
i just wish somebody cared

violent tide
calming down
neither right
i know that now
silent amends
don't want space
just a little understanding
and for you to say

no more texts
no more people getting in the way
too many words for something so simple
caught up on things so trivial
i don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

melodies slide
melting so sweet
i forgive you
you forgive me
today doesn't have
to be yesterday
somehow we can
make this okay

no more words
or feelings hurt
too much stress over something so little
the things we got caught on we should just forget them
if we don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

you say i run across you're mind all the time
but we both know i never run
keep telling me you think i'm the one
but we both know if i was number i'd be three
you whisper out loud that you think you love me
but we both know you don't think
you go on and say that you ThInK
i'm chillin

memory lane is longer than i remember
every woe felt and then forgotten
so now that i choose to look back
every good moment has turned to something rotten

memory lane is longer than i remember
the fence is twisted and the fruit's gone rotten
realizing now why these old stories
were better off forgotten

Nobody cares about how we’re dying inside
Only that good intentions are always implied

♥

have to remind myself my i'm not the things you call me
not weak for being exhausted
allowed to be hurt
allowed to feel
don't need to fight to just exist
but with you
i do
it's always something
i try to see your humanity
but i stopped loving you long ago
all i feel is cold now
there are things i hate you for
that i can not forgive
but i'm good at ignoring my feelings
thats the only way i have survived
i hate that its like this
but it is
i don't think we'll ever know each other
because you will never compromise
and i won't worship you
i'll respect you
but you won't respect me
and its that simple unfortunately
i hate it
i hate you
for hating me
you say you don't
but you despise me for not being complicit
for not being just like you
i'm sorry i guess
but not really
you're willing to hurt me to prove a point
and thats where you lose me
you're willing to hurt someone to be right
and i can't get behind that
i'm not sure anymore
just tired
and constantly belittled
and picked at
and pushed down
and held back
and blamed
for things i didn't do
and out of my control
cast as the object of your rage
the bane of your existence
everything you hate
my generation
and opposing beliefs
you just hate me
and won't admit it and it's tiring
if i pulled the same ****
you would ****** me in cold blood
and i know it
because you can't control your temper
how ironic
you always say i'm acting out
and being irrational
when you push me to my limit
but you're the one who can't handle reality
nothing will ever make you happy
so you make everyone else miserable
hope you're happy with that

it's just like me
to lose touch
forget where i am
and say too much
reality so jarring
but i fail to hide
a mixture of insecurity
and fragile pride
i want to be happy
but i want to be right
i mean i don't want to
say it's all been a lie
just so damaged
that i can't tell between
my intuition
and the intrusive thoughts always plaguing me
and i'm sorry if it feels
like i'm closing in
i know that i
can get too intense
i'll just stop explaining
making no sense
like i said before
we're better off as friends :/

not today
not tonight
will not break down
refuse to fight
i'll just do my best
and bow my head
when i should really
throw a fit instead
and flip tables
and throw chairs
the way i'm treated
is so unfair
but i'm too tired
to be upset
so i take the defeat
and digress
it's easier to know
that i'm right
than pull receipts
and ruin your night

sweet like sugar
passing like time
you drift along
not knowing you're mine

bind my wrists
then throw me overboard
into the ocean
that is overwhelmingly yours
just pin my arms down
and hold me to the floor
don't even give me the option
to look at the door
deny me the right
to leave this room
like my sole purpose
is to be with you
forbid me to go
i want you to do it
your waters are rough
but your movements are so fluid

a little birdy told me
that you cant keep a promise
i guess im not suprised

my gut told met to walk away
but i didnt
and now im paying the price 

anybody could tell
that your pride
will be your demise

you walk too tall
surely you'll fall
before you get too high

i am fat
and that is okay
i'll mind my sandwich
and look the other way

don't care about your drama when i could be enjoying some cake

i am fat
i'm gonna eat what i want
but it's okay
it all goes straight to my ****

aren't big butts the new craze anyways?

i am fat
but the most important part
is that you know food
is the key to my heart

buy me some pizza and it'd make my day

inside jokes
aren't what you laugh at now
think enough time has passed
so you come around
or you got bored
and i'm easy to find
when she finds the exit
from your life
this second choice thing
eats into me
you don't understand
why i'm afraid to speak
thought there was trust here
but you never even tried
if you saw it play out
from my eyes
maybe it would all
make sense
why i choose distance
over being your friend

getting used to
getting used

ain't that ******* sad?

i don't want to be your lie
but i cant live without your love
go before you make things worse
but not without one last touch
it's all just fun and games
till i let myself get hurt
really thought you meant it
thinking just makes it worse

an image laid before us
but we see different things
you say its beautiful
i find it repulsing
but you like that sort of girl
and you are that kind of guy
i spiral because i dont why
i can't be someone's type
one of these is not like the others
and i am that one
visceral reactions to the lies you love
i can't help but feel undone
i am not like them
i hate the way they make me feel
i dont feel pretty or ****
sometimes i don't even feel real

i thought
if i loved you enough
you'd eventually love me back
                                                            ­                                               i thought
                                                         ­                         if i waited long enough
                                                          ­                   it wouldn't hurt me as bad
but what i thought
and what happened
were two different things
                                                          ­                    now i know how you feel
                                                            ­                    is the determining factor
                                                          ­                                     not what i think

i really did think
being apologized to would fix it
but even though it helped
it has done nothing for the hole
the initial act of betrayal
put in my heart
the distance hurt
but being next to you is torture
i can't stand here and be clear minded.

i wonder if you're thinking of
those things you said
or that you're thinking of
someone else instead
i mull it over in my head....
why would you say it if you didnt mean it?
if it was wrong, why repeat it
the movie in my brain is just the trauma repeated
over and over
till i go insane
i thought i could trust you

loneliness breezes in in the morning
             anxiety shuffles in right about noon
                          depression is quite fitting in the dead of night
                                       denial coming up soon

I'm just trying to clean the machine, if you know what I mean.

one plus one
does not equal two
i am not the one
who completes you

i feel the weight settling
and the leadening of my bones
too tired too sad too unmotivated
but if i must i'll leave my home
this morning i woke up at 8
but couldn't move for four hours
don't see the point in life
my body lacks the power
to do stuff unless i'm required
because i don't wanna die
i just hate feeling like if i don't have work
i am just trying to sleep through life

end of disccussion
is this what you wanted
i tell you how it felt
but you swear that it wasn't
the way that i said
or how you remember
falling out of love
in the heart of december
and when push came to shove
you wouldn't care enough
to reach out for me
when i turned away from your touch
i never wanted space
i just wanted you to care
when i walked away
i hoped you'd try to find out where
but you were never gonna look
you were finally free
i cut the chains
and you unwound yourself from me
i knew you were lying when you tried to tell me
i wasn't hard to love or a burden to bear
who did you think you were fooling
what feelings did you really spare

you hate seeing me like this but you knew i was unstable
wish that you could understand but i know that you're unable

and love we can give it a good try
but that doesn't guarantee that we'll fly

you gotta prepare for this to hurt
if things go sour i want you to save yourself first

if and when the time comes that we find ourselves parting
do not worry about me darling

i've grown used to this kind of pain
i want you to run far far away

won't see you swallowed by my demons
ashamed i even allowed you to see them

turned my panic into ours
let my fear make me a coward

showed you things you can't unsee
now you'll always feel attached to me

but i need you to let me go
love you too much to bleed you out so slow

if he's gonna hurt me
he's gonna hurt me
why should i care
why should i be worried

hearts were made to break
eyes to cry
why should i stay awake
wondering if he lies

i'm already invested
it's too late to retract
already said i love you
seems too late to take it back

might as well burn out in peace
and leave knowing i have a heart
if he's gonna hurt me
i shouldn't be forced to fall apart

everywhere i go
nowhere i belong
i know i'll always be alone
but it's hard to carry on

how do i delete myself
i am not pretty like the others
or smart
or ready

keep looking at these pictures
seeing all the ways i've fallen short

can't feel any feelings
because i don't wanna know
if they see me
like i see me

can't imagine
shaking off the clothes
in front of someone else
afraid they'll be repulsed
because i am not perfect

oh
i'm trying
but everytime i feel comfortable
in my skin
with myself
i expose myself
to those things i know will shatter
my safety
my confidence

i know it's not right
but i want to feel loved
and sometimes i think that would fix me

it's not that i hate you
it’s how i hate feeling like
you are never really present

i tell you all these things
but your eyes are all glossy
and i wonder why i even said it

like why waste my breath
or my time
just so you can get the message

you blame me for feeling alone
when you are always on
a mental vacation

choose to invest in the wrong people
leave drained and distraught
beside myself with regret
is there a way to turn the pain off

or will i drown in it forever

i wish i'd listened to my gut
but then i'd never talk again
my heart tells me to seek out love
but my brain doesn't believe in friends

they do not work well together

you forgot to to turn the faucet off last night
you just let it drip drip drip
till it overflowed
and now the floor is wet
and there is nothing we can do about it now
because the floor is all mildewed
we ran out of towels
nothing we can do now
nothing

you were my hero
now you're the sight
at which i flinch

you tossed the match
that charred away
our bridge

ugly stupid fat
digusting pig
lying stealing *****

your words echoed in my mind
till i carved them
into my skin

are you happy now
that i've just decided 
to let you win

because with you
there is no such thing
as an argument 

only you screaming 
and "scaring" me
till i give in

since you had it
"so much worse"
my pain is null by your definition 

i'm just too weak
i'm the bane
of your existence 

sorry i was born
and ruined your life
by not keeping my heart hidden

overwhelmed
clouded mind
left or right?
i can't decide
pulling punches
i don't want to fight
idealization
of suicide
problems gone
problems solved
no more buttons
for them to press
no on, no off
no more mistakes
or being punished
when i am caught
no more thoughts
no more stress
it will all just stop
cause i need a break
for goodness sake
i'm already bound to make a mistake
there's probably another way
but does it look
like i want to wait?

.
                            u
you build me    p

you tell me i'm    
                              b  
                       ­          e
                                   a
                                     u
                                        t
                     ­                     i
                                          ­  f
                                              u
             ­                                    l

i have   e a r n e d   your love

                             m
                          r
                       a
said i'm      w


s  o    y  o  u    h  o  l  d    m  e    close

welcoming like the morning           u
                                                       s          n

but  e v e n  though

i'm all of these    t                 s
                                h          g
                  ­                  i   n

i'm still not  e  n  o  u  g  h

you'll never look at me with   d
                                                        e
      ­                                               s
                                                        i
     ­                                                r
                                                        e

thou­gh i  
                 s    h  i  v e    r

                      your touch
b e n e a t h

just because i anticipated pain
doesn't mean it doesn't hurt
in fact i think the fact i knew it was coming
has only made this worse

i do not nice things
i lie
i break hearts
i play games
i try things just to see
what would happen
even if i know it's not right
i let my feelings get hurt
i pretend i don't know what they've said about me behind my back
i pretend i don't hear the things i say in my mind
i do things to hurt people on purpose
when they've hurt me
i do not nice things
and i hate myself for it

i wonder who you see
the liar
the attention seeker
the cry baby
the failure
or the genius
maybe a beauty
even a kind person

i shouldn't compare myself so much
but i do
thats the sad truth
i feel like i lack so much
but somehow am better than the rest of you at once
this cognitive dissonance
it's like a nonstop battle
between self-loathing and self-indulgence

i just wish i could be happy
i get what i want
but its not what i wanted
i pray that i'll be happy

i'm sorry for being a bad friend

i'll stop being mopey
i don't mean to just blow up
i just think and i think and i think
and i still don't think enough

i'm sorry i got so angry
i didn't mean to take things so far
i just hurt so much
that i forget to do my part

i really don't wanna hurt you
that is never my intention
but i still do it don't i
so am i apologizing for attention

i really don't know
but i really hope not
i genuinely don't like myself right now
and i do want to stop