tired of praying you'll remember me
and hoping you'll be who you said
hypnotized too long by how things were
woke up crying in my bed
i lost something through this
refuse to lose any more
i'm tired of being outside
waiting for you to open the door
tired of being cold
because you left me alone
sick of you reaching out
once i'm comfortable on my own

so i'm locking you out
like you did me
it's not right
but its necessary
it *****, doesn't it
but what else can i do
you're just now finding out
what its like being 'loved' by you

a lack of maturity
how surprising can it be
to anybody who knows you
especially me
i thought you could manage
to pull through but i see
the reward for sharing my heart
is feeling stupid to possibly think
you'd respond like an adult
and be reassuring
if i was the person reading this
i'd also be embarrassed for me

the fact that no one will ever love me
is driving me insane
i'm such an ugly person
inside and out
that i don't even wait
for that special person to come along
and show me love
because i know they all hate
me because i talk too much
and act a certain way
i'm sorry
so sorry
i hate me too
sorry for being such a drain

crush my bones
sever my feet
stomp in my face
watch me bleed
ain't it fun
to taunt the weak

lake of fire
tucked away
coyote cries
not so far away
simpler times
never come our way
we don't wanna
but we always find a way

no faith to find in hell
so we can only question this existence
why our parents had kids
and why theirs did and the ones before them

how could you do this to me
to us
ungrateful unsatisfied unfruitful
as ****

dying flames
topped up another time
the locust choir
fills the night
in these moments of respite
the stakes are still high
the world at my fingertips
but at the cost of goodbye

you first
always first
the worst
you had it worse
no matter what
i was there
i took the time
i had the care
i spent my will
and drained my love
to restore your smile
and lift you up
thinking if i
helped you see
how you meant 
the world to me
and how much i
would sacrifice 
you would never
change your mind
but here we are
and yes you did
i did all i could
and you still went
time after time
again and again
i was nothing to you
but a genuine friend
its sad to see you go
but i know it has to be
dont come back or apologize later on
at least commit to the fact you chose to leave
if you won't commit to me

don't stop now
keep fighting the cold
you've gotten too far
to lose sight of the goal
if you give up
you'll be frozen in this pain
and when you finally thaw
you'll still be in this place

in your face
in your space
always got something to say

in my head
in my bed
ever lovers never friends

just wanna know
if you have any regrets
are you sick of me yet
i remember when you said
you never would
but i just wanna know
if i passed your stupid test
or are you repulsed by the mess
find it hard to believe
you aren't sick of me yet

on my mind
what a waste of time
days on days i would hopelessly pine

you made it safe
then you took that away
that's why its so hard to be okay

now that it's done
do you have any regrets
are you sick of me yet
i remember when you said
you never would
but i just need to know
if i passed your stupid test
or are you repulsed by the mess
find it hard to believe
you aren't sick of me yet
you really were the best

ring the doorbell
but "no one is home"
peep in the window
call your cellphone
i know your in there
can't tell if you're alone
i don't really care
just wanted to know
if it was the way i kept in touch
you told me it was fine
was i doing too much
didn't wanna make things worse
you're stressed enough
but you told me you liked me
and just like that i was done
couldn't wait to know those eyes
in their hazel glory
looked forward to hearing
all of the crazy stories
but maybe thats not what you want
maybe you were happier before me
if you don't want me too
can't take it sorely
but that's the thing
the reason i'm here
wanna know what you think
cause right now it's unclear
if you want me to keep going
or wish i'd disappear
locked out in the cold
hoping you can hear
afraid to cry
because it might be too intense
i'm invested in this weird connection
but i'll survive if it ends
just feel like i look so stupid
trying to be a friend
can we just talk about it
can you please just let me in

trying not be the thing
i despise the most
but i forget my mission
when you get this close
i wanna be calm
not invasive and gross
don't wanna say stuff
that you're not comfortable being disclosed
i wanna do all these things
but my brain tells me no
a heart can dream
and muster up hope
on a river of fantasies
i could endlessly float
but it's not about me
or making these feelings known

the first thing i forgot was your face
then your voice
and then you
it was for the best so its okay
but i struggle
with what to do
when your laugh plays for my ears again
and i feel
drawn back
too much as happened
couldn't undo the damage
even if we both wanted that
but your happier without me
even if you take your blame
and say nice things
i know that you're happy
that you got away
from me

i'm not going for quantity
i just write a lot
it's easy to do
when you brain doesn't stop
it makes it easy  to feel hurt
when the love doesn't pour in
with so much to analyze
where do you begin
i'm sorry i am not better
but trust that i don't just write to write
apologizing to people who don't care
i'm really losing my mind
i just wish there was more substance
but there's not really a me
so where do i draw from
i run on constant doubt, not creativity

head on my chest
can't hold my breath
this feels so good
love to the death
planting kisses along my neck
carrying me to bed
we talk until
there are no secrets left

lately we've been strangers
sharing responsibilities
we cut out all the "unnecessary"
underestimating such frivolities
only an arm's length away
but still in some place i can't reach
i want things to go back
to the way they used to be

"don't do so much
you work too hard
look at how
overwhelmed you are
just stop for a moment
and take a deep breath
it won't disappear
if you walk away for a sec"

they all tell me
to power down for the day
but when i don't do my best
i feel ashamed

a few things just are
like warmth of the sun and gentle light of the moon
the way that only wind can calm your soul
and my love for you

eccentric and weird
bubbly and sweet
funny and okay
productive and shy
understanding and pessimistic
afraid and quiet
insecure and hurt
dying and invisible

when there were songs to sing
and friends to keep
names to carve into trees
knees to scrape on concrete
when all that mattered to me
didn't matter the next week
just the way it ought to be
childhood just felt so... free

the more i learn
the less i know

do you love me
is it all for show

burning questions
answers i need

too many lies
between you and me

who approached who
do you like her better

was it more enjoyable
then when we were together

what was she wearing
was it tight or seductively loose

just out of curiosity
does she wear name brand perfume

tell me what it is
what is that thing she has

the thing that made you want her
the thing that i don't have

why do you keep saying
that you never loved her

if anything it honestly
makes me feel worse

because if all it took
was those **** me eyes

do you really love me
or are you selling more lies

i'm sorry that i dont love myself
and that that keeps me from being truthful
i'm sorry i can't be vulnerable
and that when i crash its brutal
that i take you down with me
when i can't float any longer
you give me the benefit of the doubt
and i cant return that honor
i'm sorry that you have me
when i know you deserve much better
i'm sorry that because i'm like this
you can't help but feel tethered
i'm sorry you feel like you need to fix me
and save me from monsters i summoned myself
i'm sorry that i ****** you into
my own personal hell
i'm sorry i didn't let you go
when i knew i wasn't capable of being
the kind of person you deserve
not a patient you're committed to treating
**** i'm sorry
so sorry i dont know what to do
as much as i wanna let you in
i refuse to lean on you
because as much as you deserve
to know the truth
it'd be wrong to put it on you
so i'll try and make some room
to hold it in
and keep it down
i love you
but you shouldn't have to drown

making you feel good makes me feel good
so i go out of my way
pay attention to the little things
hanging off of the words you say
but after a while of being dismissed
i get tired of going so hard for you
like if i'm willing to be vulnerable
couldn't you at least try a little too

Disgustingly sweet
Your loves leaves me with a bitter feeling
Like we both deserve so much more than this
But there are times I lose myself
In your eyes, In my dreams
I get lost in our kiss
You are real
You are something present, I can see you
Something I can touch
But when I try to reach out
You disappear
And so does our love

Why do I always choose
The ones that cause the most pain
Why am I letting this get past me
When there’s nothing for me to gain
From hurting you or myself
Or entertaining these games
I want to feel wanted
But I need to go away

And you keep asking why I didn’t
Hit you up, Call you back
Left you on read
Like what was I thinking?
Don’t I love you?
I was focused on the what ifs instead
Like what if this is pointless
And we fight for nothing
We love to lose
I’m just not sure what I want
I am not doing this
Just to hurt you

And it's not that I hate you
It’s how I hate feeling like
You are never really present
I tell you all these things
But your eyes are all glossy
And I wonder why I even said it
Like why waste my breath
Or my time
Just so you can get the message
You blame me for feeling alone
When you are always on
A mental vacation

Where I can’t reach you
Boy, do I try
I’m always just a touch away
But you’re just too far
And it hurts to not have you
So I just give up and shift the blame
From you to me
I shouldn’t have expected you
To be who you say
It is ******* crazy
I thought you wouldn’t
Disappoint or betray
But it’s all over now
My tears are dry
So why do I still feel pain?
Why does my
Indecisive heart continue to
Break

Why do I always choose
The ones that cause the most pain
Why am I letting this get past me
Why do I make these choices?
Why do I wake up
Just to fall back asleep?
Why do I love?
Why do I care when it always
Backfires on me?
Why do I argue?
Why do I hurt you
Just because you don’t answer my questions?
Why do I care?
Why do I care?
Power of suggestion
Why do I come back
When I fought so hard to leave?
Why do I go back and forth?
Why do I even try
to make this relationship
Work anymore?

Why do I need to go away?
You’re everything that is good
Yin and Yang, Night and Day
There is bad in the good, babe
You were worst promise I ever made
But definitely my best mistake
Why do I always choose
The ones that cause the most pain?

something tells me
that you can't tell the difference
between the real me
and the fake me

if you can't
that's not my fault
but don't say that
you hate me

you can't hate
what you don't know
if that makes you mad
then blame me

my logic triumphs
your misunderstandings
and it makes you cry
like a baby

imagine.a.world
where.we.can.be
something.more
than.what.we.are

       nothing to bar you
            no one to scar you
  
                                                                     open.your.eyes
                                                                     dont.fret.honey
                                                                     life.will.open.up
                                                                      for.you.one.day

                                                                             nothing can change this
                                                                                  no one can take this

demure isn't she
quiet as can be
maybe you can't see
but one day she'll shine so bright
it'll burn to even think of her

drunk on a doorstep
how'd i end up here
maybe i shouldn'tve acknowledged
my deepest fears
maybe i shouldn't have said anything
before i was sure how i felt
but i was freaking out
and i needed somebody to tell
and i needed to let it out
and get it off my chest
one thing led to another
you already know the rest
i don't even know i'm saying sorry for
you're the one who made me a joke
you get laughed at once
and suddenly i'm the one being cold
i understand why you don't like it
but frankly i didn't either
i'd say let's call it even
but i can tell by your demeanor
you dont want to hear a word from me
so i'm stuck here confused
if you don't want me to apologize
what else am i supposed to do
because we can't avoid each other forever
we share too much to succeed at that
at the very least i wanna address the issue
even if i can't take it back
so we're not walking around the problem
letting it become bigger than us
to the point it's so ******* awkward
being in your vicinity *****
maybe im being hopeful
but i am dying to work this out
**** can we just be cool
cause you're always gonna be around

everything stained
with your touch
everything changed
with your love
now there's only pain
and darkness
tell me to move on
like you didn't start it
gaslit but ****
i'll still drive up
resent you
but the alternative is not enough
gonna suffer
don't know nothing else
they reach out
but i refuse the help
who's fault is it
this time
will i blame you
or make the shame mine

it's anybody's guess

when i was young
i used to love the idea of storytelling
in fact i told a few of my own

but all of the lies
caught up to me eventually
and out of those tall tales i've grown

sure you can trick em
a good couple times
but then they will get sick of the joke

why would
anybody laugh at a punchline
that they already know