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hkr Mar 2014
i haven't been thinking about you lately, i swear i haven't, but i was just thinking about parties and trashing myself and how anyone who isn't trashing themselves is just preserving their own corpse and i was thinking about death, lots of it, and i was suddenly hit with the realization that i am going to die [as i occasionally remember] and i had the sudden sensation to tell someone i think i am going to die and i picked up the phone and i nearly typed it all out, until i realized how he would react. how alarmed he would be. how he'd think i was speaking about suicide and try to talk me off a roof i'm not standing on. and then i thought about you. i thought about all of our talks and how i could say anything around you and you'd absorb it and yeah, sometimes you made me feel stupid, but most times you made me feel heard. sometimes you even had crazy things to say yourself and i, of course [being in love with you], ate them right up, right out of your lap. and i miss that. but talking to you is completely out of the question and he'll never understand.
hkr Apr 2014
maybe sad
is just my happy
but my god,
i hope not.
i'm so sick of being
miserable.
admit you have a problem.
hkr Apr 2017
i set a clock to quit you. it says it’s been “4ds, 6hs, 22m” since i’ve talked to you. have you ever noticed how, if you’re quiet enough, you can always hear a ticking clock, no matter where you are? so, today, i’m trying to be very, very loud. i talk to everyone but you. i talk to the barista at the coffee shop; i talk to the attendant at the subway station; i talk to the security guard at the school. by the end of the day, i even talk to the man on the street corner shouting GOD SAID ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE. i yell back that ADAM WAS AN ******* AND IF HE WERE REAL, EVE WOULD’VE LEFT HIM AND STEVE WOULD’VE, TOO. i talk to the people who stand around on the subway platform asking you to join their cult even though i’m afraid, if they ask nicely enough, i might say yes. i talk to the other drunk at the bar like do you think god believes in himself? He hands me a chip.
hkr Mar 2014
i wish you'd stop saying you miss me
to smooth things over
it's almost as bad as when you say i love you
as if your words might fix
my eating disorder.
unfortunately for him, the one who caused it had words much stronger
hkr Oct 2013
people seem to think that when someone's anorexic,
they'll know, because the person will never eat
i find this funny because
my best friend never ate a single day at lunch
and when they accused her of being anorexic
all i could think of -- as i was eating my lunch
-- was how dizzy i got
from just walking up the stairs.
hkr Sep 2015
don't look her in the stripes
she says...
*read
between
the
lines
hkr Apr 2013
i know you said i shouldn’t wait for you
but like sandra d
when it comes to love,
i have nothing better to do
every other boy is
a dry saltine *******
so let me keep my broken mood ring, babe
i don’t care if it’s stuck on blue
hkr Jul 2013
everything's funny
everything hurts
and it will all be gone
in the morning
i always hear people saying that when they're high "everything's funny and nothing hurts," but that isn't really true. everything's funny, but everything also hurts. it's like someone took your feelings and pumped them with helium. it's worth it if you can stay happy during the high but, oh man, if something bad happens -- you're *******.

i thought it needed to be said.
hkr Apr 2013
maybe
if i eat enough candy
i'll be sweet
enough for you.
hkr Aug 2014
i'm not sorry
that i wanted sleep
more than your ****.
hkr May 2013
i wonder if you tell
your piano
the things you used to
tell me.
inspired by the chopin quote.

he loves chopin.
hkr Apr 2017
there was a rainbow
after the rain came that day
filled my glass halfway
since he drank from it. **** him,
he knew i was near empty.
yet another thing i wrote for class.
hkr Sep 2013
wanting you is like
wanting a celebrity
but there are only 200 kids in this school
more boys than girls
so how is it that i've faded
into your fan base so easily

am i really that
unremarkable
hkr Apr 2017
in my dream, i eat dinner with your family. except, they don’t look like your family until you sit down across the table. then, they all grow faces: your mom, your dad, and your three brothers. their wives are also at the table and, when you say mrs. kennedy, we all turn to look at you. now you look at me like i just grew a face, too, then at my hands; i have a diamond ring on every finger of each hand. you grab me by the elbow and drag me away from the table. you pull out a flipbook of all the girls you’ve slept with, all tall brunettes like me. then there’s actually me, on my back and on my knees and on top of you. look, you finally admit, i only wanted to *******. i wake up.

in my next dream, we eat lunch at a table outside with your children. there are four of them: a tall japanese boy, a little black girl, and a set of freckled, white fraternal twins. they are all named john, like your father, even the girls. the boy twin is on a leash but, when he tries to run into oncoming traffic, you let him. they’re not really your kids, anyway. they’re the babies your ex’s carried to term to try to make you stay. it didn’t work, you say, like it’s something to be proud of. i don’t want to have your kids, anyway, i am reminding you, when the boy comes limping back screaming mommy. i wake up.

in my last dream, you eat breakfast in bed with your new girl. she smiles with her entire mouth. her face is stuck like that, top teeth cemented to bottom teeth. she laughs at your jokes through the enamel. wanna go for round two? you ask and she answers you like yeth. she gets on her knees and you push her head down to **** you off, your **** banging against those teeth. open up, babe, you say, open up. she can’t. i sleep through the night.
hkr Oct 2013
i don't think that missing someone or something
is defined by the things
that remind you of them
but by the fact that you slowly --
-- but surely
forget those things about them
like their voice
and their laugh
and the way they sang
when they were in the shower
because they thought you never listened
i think it's the forgetting
not the remembering
that drives people crazy
to the point of calling and
hanging up
just to hear that someone --
-- you just came to mind
say "hello"
one last time.
[although, due to a lack of self-control, it's never really the last.]
hkr Oct 2013
some of my friends have this habit
of waking up with letters on their foreheads
and falling asleep with numbers
on their lips

what happened to
when you grow up,
you can be anything


now people are essentially saying
you lost the right to a future
with your grade on that math test


do you see an L
on my face?

i won't starve just because
i'm not a human
calculator.
there's more to life than "points" and abcdef.
hkr Jan 2016
what am i supposed to do when
walking through life feels like
walking through a museum of
empty rooms
hkr Dec 2015
her ribcage is filled with
flowers
but they are
dead, dead, dead.
hkr May 2013
whenever i try to forget you
it feels like a mouse is gently
gnawing off my limbs.

this brain feels useless
without you in it.
hkr Nov 2013
i know i'm in deep
when thinking of you
feels like
thinking of me.
this isn't true about anyone anymore, or maybe it is and i'm just in too deep to see it. it's funny how i can write love poems without believing in love or being in it.
hkr May 2013
two decades of purgatory
filled with temptation
that some wise guy suggested
the rest of my life be hinged upon.
hkr Nov 2013
i wish i were
awake enough
to live my life.
hkr Mar 2016
how i like my people emotionally unavailable. how much trouble they are. how much trouble i am. how i’m not trying to be difficult, i’m trying to look out for myself, because nobody else is going to except, maybe, my mother, but she can’t really do anything for me. how she asked if i was drinking because i was sad and i said no (i don’t know what i am. the drinking is coincidental.) how i’ve felt 21 since i was ******* 14. that time my friend said “i used to be a person” and i said “me, too.” how procedurals take advantage of people who don’t know any better, how they use them to explain things. the girl who had chad’s baby. diego && all the other names i love but can never use. feeling like someone’s inverse. intelligence. how tired i am; too tired to do this, to do anything. how to tell someone i’ve been preparing from/recovering from monday for whole days and i’m still not ready. how there has to be more than this, there has to be more than this, there has to be, there has to. my happiest moment, my saddest moment, the worst act of violence i have ever witnessed: katie in the bathroom with the butcher knife. a day i would live over and over again if i could (i don’t know what day. not today.) the word no. no, no, no. how that is the only word i can manage now. no, i didn’t sleep. no, i didn’t do anything. no, i didn’t get out of bed today. no. blow. a metaphor about my ribs turning into seatbelts. that time cameron drove without a license. something a man says in the street “she was young, wasn’t shah?” how he wanted my body so badly he took it from me. this sentence:

baby, you can get it back.
i'll update this when my class gives me feedback in two weeks (fml.)
hkr Oct 2013
all i can say is
i'd really like to know
what it feels like
to wear your shirt
to sleep.
hkr Jan 2016
i go to the hospital because thats what you're supposed to do. because everyone seems to change their minds about their ******* dads when they seem them lying helplessly in a bed for invalids. but i don't. i look at him and i don't feel a **** thing. until the machines shut off, he's alive. as long as he's alive, he's the man that grabbed my wrist so hard it still doesn't bend right. a terminal diagnosis doesn't change that.

all thats left keeping him alive is that life support and all the people in this room, people he's hurt, who are crying over him like he said a kind word to them in his life. *******.

when the doctor comes in and tells us its time, my sister starts wailing. i think its a stalling tactic. so i pull it out myself.

stop crying, its over.
hkr Dec 2013
dear michael,

i ******* hate you for wanting to be unhappy. do you and riley realize how ******* miserable it is? it sounds ******* to explain it that way, but you don't seem to get it. being unhappy is not poetic. it is not beautiful. sometimes, it produces beautiful things, but the sadness itself is ugly.

have you ever thought about walking in front of a car? have you ever thought about walking in front of a car and it passing right through you? like you aren't even there? because that's what sad feels like. not being hit by a car, but being so insignificant and utterly gone that it could hit you without shedding blood.

where do the parts go? where do the pieces go when a car hits a person? i'm not talking about their body parts, i'm talking about their soul -- god, i hate that word, but sometimes the words we hate (***, ******, ****) are the only ones that fit. words always have a place. do souls?

i'm starting to think the answer is no. not everyone will be a stockbroker. just like not everyone will rise above their hood. some of us just float. i'm part of an eternal migration south, michael. the mentality, not the place. are you coming with me?

are you sure you want to?
parts of this letter make me feel scummy. and i'm so sorry.

clarification: words in this letter make me feel scummy.
hkr Mar 2014
i've grown tired of my words
because they sound so much
like me.
at 12 am my emotions take a nosedive from static to tragic.
hkr Mar 2014
i've found it's impossible to
let go of someone
who's standing
across the room.
i was trying to let go of him while we were sitting in the same classroom, or bumping into each other in the dining hall, or sleeping in our separate beds at opposite ends of the campus. but the truth is we were too close. you can't let go of someone when they're so close to you, when you know you could run into them by just walking down the street. knowing i'll never see him again is all at once comforting and terrifying, because i'll always wonder what would've happened if i'd stayed. if we'd always been just a short walk apart.
hkr Nov 2013
is there a difference between love
and lust? if you saw it would you
know it?

is there a difference between faith
and trust? if you saw it would you
snort it?
hkr Dec 2015
have you ever told a lie so many times
you start to believe
it?
i'm trying to unlearn my own *******
but the stories i've told
feel truer than the truth
hkr Sep 2014
true pain is the kind
that is u n f i x a b l e
the kind that doesn't
come with an instruction
manual and a simple
way to make up for it
pain that never goes away
because it never can
true suffering is found
in this pain
and true strength is found
in living through it
or, rather,
learning to live
despite it.
this chapter doesn't have a happy ending, or a true ending at all; true pain is found in the lack of closure that comes with life-changing tragedy.
hkr Mar 2014
he told me about how ***** his family's money was
stocks under the table and
overcharging black girls
to pull out their babies

i told him he didn't reflect that at all,
and he said he tried to keep his head out of the clouds
as if what i'd said
had been a compliment
as if it wasn't my way of saying
he was too boring
to have a story like that.
hkr Mar 2014
what is love
to someone without
a heart.
hkr Apr 2013
i already regret
letting him go
because i already feel
alone and now
i get why
i'm only
lovely
when you're
lonely.
hkr Dec 2013
i used to drink your *******
until i realized
i got the same effect
by chugging whiskey
hkr Nov 2013
i can start every sentence with
if i were beautiful . . .
and i still won't be

but if i write enough poetry
at least i'll have something beautiful
to show for myself.
hkr Jun 2013
i'd be the
**** in your garden
just to get your
attention.
hkr Jun 2013
you were beautiful
for awhile
and in my memories
you still are
but in reality
she has tainted
everything
you were to me
so thoroughly
that there's
nothing left
of you
for me to
admire.

i'm sure
you are
relieved.
isn't this what you wanted?
hkr Feb 2014
i'm too human
for anyone to love.
hkr Apr 2014
i think i like boys better
in my dreams.
there's a guy. a guy with the best smile i've ever seen. but i think it's better if 'we' stay in my daydreams.
hkr Sep 2014
i don't think i've ever felt that my life was completely my own and i don't think i ever will. i am thrown off-guard by people who simply choose to live. mesmerized by people who throw themselves into their life, as if that is all they are here to do. mind-boggled by people who've never considered the possibility that their life may be bigger than their own, that it could be -- easily -- if they'd only let it. contentment is not in my vocabulary, it is not in my bones; i don't sing in the shower, i breathe.
hkr Jan 2014
I.
too clean
houses

II.
healthy
relationships

III.
sobriety

IV.
the way my brain
is wired.
hkr Aug 2013
red car, blue car
every car is your car
green shirt, white shirt
every shirt is your shirt
*what's your name
what's your age
won't you take
a drive with me?
make no mistake, this is no love poem.

i never thought i'd need that lesson in stranger danger until today.
hkr Dec 2013
you could say the problem was
race; half white half japanese
you could say the problem was
passion; which never aligned
you could say the problem was
distance; a desert too vast to cross
but i say the problem was
love; because i loved you more
than i loved myself.
hkr Jan 2016
"my greatest fear is having everyone i've ever loved in a room."

"they all love you, what's scary about that?"

"i said everyone i've ever loved; i never said anything about them loving me."
if everyone you've ever loved was in a room, how many of them do you think would love you back?
hkr Apr 2014
i didn't donate blood today. i could've, but i didn't. my friends did. all day, people talked about the donors like they were heroes. we watched a video about donating, about a little girl whose live was saved thanks to a donation. my friends' blood will save lives. but i didn't donate today, because my blood is thick with misguided bits of you and to burden someone else with that would be to condemn them, too, to hell.+
i'm feeling red today.
hkr Sep 2013
sometimes i write lies
but mostly i write about you
and sometimes
i don't know the difference
it made sense in my head, i think.
hkr Jul 2013
they call it depersonalization
dee-person-nile-zaytion
and it means i did the impossible:
found the switch to turn
everything off
so i can do what feels good
and stay away from what feels bad
and never have any real feelings
about any of it

at all.
when i think of you
i'm not sure i want to be
cured.
hkr Apr 2014
i care about you more than i should. there's no rational reason for me to; it's been long enough, with few enough words between us and small enough talk. we've dissolved into strangers, but to me you'll never be estranged; i think about you everyday, even when you should be the farthest thing from my mind. when i'm putting on my uniform for a school you never attended. when i'm driving down a road that you couldn't even name with a map. when i'm dissecting a cat, for christ's sake, committing an act so clinical it could be performed by a robot. i shouldn't feel anything, especially not for you. but i do. i still do.

it doesn't consume me the way it once did, thinking about you. you don't consume me the way you once did. i don't ache at the thought of you.

but still. there you are. you've made yourself comfortable in the back of my mind and something tells me you've no plans to leave.

and something tells me i'm okay with that.
than you will ever know.
hkr Jul 2013
i didn't fall for you
my feet never left
the ground
and that's what
scares me most
about this love
i'm not sure if i'm making sense but in my head i am

— The End —