if you ever see this i miss you i wish you would have stayed

july i wake up feeling disoriented, today is controlled by a reckless impulse to grab harder than usual. i don't remember the last time peace was here, every day a survivalist journal with dreams seemingly straying farther and farther away - i simply pass out and wake up w blood in my mouth. despite my expectation of war tonight i am late and unprepared, guard down just my pulse screeching in my ear because today is sunday and im at your mercy. you are a righteous god, cruel and cold, and i still believe tonight i will feel your hand on my cheek gently softly even fearfully touching, but yeah its sunday and its july and i am awake.



i miss you you know - i remember each time i saw you for the first time. the first time it was october of 2023 and i went out the airport, was with my mom, it was cold i was wearing my fluffy jacket the one that makes me look like a bear my hair was puffy from all the braids i slept in last night. then my mom said ''isnt that him'' and i saw you riding your bike ur hair swept up by the wind and it felt like a miracle happened that day. a waking dream. the start of something. something, nothing could have prepared me for.

the second time was winter again january 2024 - you were with my heart shaped glasses i left behind, looking mighty cool. best week of my life. i wonder if our gum is still stuck on the pink panther. i mean cmon berlin truly was ours those days.

june 2025. the third time i saw you. its been a year. my hair puffy again w a white dress. i woke up hours to get ready, to look nice - my mom said i looked like a doll. when i saw you it felt surreal like im watching a movie scene - you were wearing your beagle boys t- shirt. you listened when i told you to please wear it. its my favourite t-shirt of yours. it didnt feel right that time. something had changed.

i miss you. i really really miss you. everything feels wrong now. meaningless. prison. it feels like i am in prison. a prison of memories, a prison of hope. september 5th is supposed to be our next date. i never really noticed until now - but i am a ghost. i am living in our shared memories together in a places long gone - from those swings to the benches. i keep revisitng - its all i have. i lay my head there and i sleep there. we cant go back and there isnt any time.

it would have been quite the morbid sight
if someone watched me last night
sobbing and pulling at my skin
saying and praying
''is this a dream''
over and over
counting my fingers
over and over

for the last two weeks
i have been noticing a strange distance in my eyes
ever since i started waking up
from a sequence of dreams
involving you, me, a beach


and the unfamiliar absence of sound
hissing like a dog whistle

in a dream i was told to keep talking to you because you will disappear if i stop

people's touch always burns and hugs are so ******* short-lived. i hate them. what is the point if u are not going to hold me for the whole night while i stain every shirt and *****. no point. hugs are just another form of abandonment. understanding can be found on the inside - i will say to myself and others. but inside there is only the stale air of tonight, an image of a teenager kicking an ill kitten, me as a child and people's quiet, strong contempt towards me. i feel lied to. and the beach of tomorrow is my last sanctuary

you are so strange to be around
and so strange to talk to
but i really feel like missing you tonight