july i wake up feeling disoriented, today is controlled by a reckless impulse to grab harder than usual. i don't remember the last time peace was here, every day a survivalist journal with dreams seemingly straying farther and farther away - i simply pass out and wake up w blood in my mouth. despite my expectation of war tonight i am late and unprepared, guard down just my pulse screeching in my ear because today is sunday and im at your mercy. you are a righteous god, cruel and cold, and i still believe tonight i will feel your hand on my cheek gently softly even fearfully touching, but yeah its sunday and its july and i am awake.
i miss you you know - i remember each time i saw you for the first time. the first time it was october of 2023 and i went out the airport, was with my mom, it was cold i was wearing my fluffy jacket the one that makes me look like a bear my hair was puffy from all the braids i slept in last night. then my mom said ''isnt that him'' and i saw you riding your bike ur hair swept up by the wind and it felt like a miracle happened that day. a waking dream. the start of something. something, nothing could have prepared me for.
the second time was winter again january 2024 - you were with my heart shaped glasses i left behind, looking mighty cool. best week of my life. i wonder if our gum is still stuck on the pink panther. i mean cmon berlin truly was ours those days.
june 2025. the third time i saw you. its been a year. my hair puffy again w a white dress. i woke up hours to get ready, to look nice - my mom said i looked like a doll. when i saw you it felt surreal like im watching a movie scene - you were wearing your beagle boys t- shirt. you listened when i told you to please wear it. its my favourite t-shirt of yours. it didnt feel right that time. something had changed.
i miss you. i really really miss you. everything feels wrong now. meaningless. prison. it feels like i am in prison. a prison of memories, a prison of hope. september 5th is supposed to be our next date. i never really noticed until now - but i am a ghost. i am living in our shared memories together in a places long gone - from those swings to the benches. i keep revisitng - its all i have. i lay my head there and i sleep there. we cant go back and there isnt any time.