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 Jul 2016 Heidi Kneip
scully
i have no tragic epic to force out of my palms for you
i gave you a blank page and
you chose not to be a part of my narrative
i will spend the rest of my life trying not to blame myself
for my bad editing skills
and red pen i miss you marks
maybe these letters would feel more natural
if my writing was neater,
my words were easier to read
or they sounded nicer falling off of my tongue

i write and recall and revise
and try to come up with a story about
how i could’ve made you stay
if i gave you a pencil
and some paper
would you put me out of my sonnet-style misery,
take the blame out of my cramping hands
and tell me there was nothing we could’ve done?
let me stop searching for words that are
synonymous to the way you looked at me when
i told you 
i loved you for the first time
take these cliches off of my fingertips
let the writer in me learn to
grieve its muse
instead of immortalizing the pain of loss 
and tell me
we never even had a chance
im not sure what to do
Was it the fitful dreams
Or maybe it was the annoying flies
Persistent in their touch and go
landings
On the tip of my nose ..that opened my eyes
To be met
With the reality
Of a pillow drenched with sweat
From my bedraggled saturated hair
As that may have been more the cause
That rousted me into this sweltering putrid air
Not even the ceiling fan was moving
As the power had been pulled 2... or
Oh... who knows....... a few days ago
Outside the grimy fly spect window I could see
The rainbow bedazzled sailboat sail
Gently moving across the placid aqua blue water
From up here on the second floor  
I could see the entire lake is it stretched away
To seamlessly blend with the baby blue sky

Closer in along the shoreline a dozen little kids at play
Content in their animated movement as they skittered about
All brightly dressed little 4 or 5 year olds
Reminding me of gumballs as they spilled out of a torn sack
Watching carefully were the parents or guardians
Posted in somnolent but  wary guard duty
Along the peremater wall of park benches

Along the bright green manicured ground
Brightly colored and abstract blankets
were scattered around
Where people sat or lay back
To watch the lazy movement of cotton fluff clouds tracking north

Standing there taking this all in
I noticed two dead flies that had crash-landed on the windowsill
Victims of that invisible barrier to freedom
Good I said to myself  out loud
As I hoped one was the kamikaze who woke me from the sleep into this
Although I had to admit the beauty
All that life - Love - happiness and fun
Was something special to see  for
certain
And I stood there sweat drenched
Overheated and overcome by the overwhelming desire to close the ****** curtain
So that's exactly what I did
And then lay back down with laced fingers behind my head
To stare at the ceiling and the fly that wandered around and around the  motionless ceiling fan blade
And I was ....
Powerless to do anything about it
If I can remember all of the things
We've said to each other
I would like to make those into a song

I would like to play it everyday
           So I can hate you

If I can remember all of the things
We've done together
I would like to make those into a movie

I would like to watch it everyday
            So I can hate you

                     But
You were a masterpiece
The best rhyme
The best melody
The best lyrics
The best harmony
             I've ever heard

But
You were a masterpiece
The best actor
The best cinematography
You were the best art,
            I've ever watched
You tormented me with your lies
Because every word is worth a life,
And every time you spit a knife,
I die a thousand times.
My ears rot every time I here your alibi;
Coming out from your predictable mind.

The way you make me devour,
Is the time I feel deceived.
I will bury our mem'ries forever,
Like how the way I grieved.

I forgot how to feel being loved back,
Maybe because I always get hurt.
I ask "from which part of myself did I lack?"
After all, I guess I'm blessed and cursed.
That's why we need to extract.

Fear of being unwanted anticipates
As they run through the veins.
My heart beats as it roughly palpitates
Maybe I should never love again.

I found myself immersed through the light I see beyond the hollow cave
I saw my imperfections first as the light brightens my eyes laid
Resting inside its comfort zone as my heart pounds
To realization of matters which I found it vague.

Even if it caves inside me like a hollow shell,
I still have these small series of serendipity that I can feel.

Our hearts were too desperate to be Healed by someone,
But we don't know that the key is Within us, and it's not with anyone.
To heal our own ways and to Reassemble the shards 
It's a kind of process of our healing Hearts.
I don't need a crystal ball
To see my future
It is nothing more than
The next breath I take
Look ahead is one thing
To dream ahead is another
That can become without ...
.. A doubt
That move you should not make
So if I had the opportunity
To look into a real crystal ball
To see what would be
In my future I have yet to realize
I would not take a single glance
There's nothing  I would want to see
Cannot think why I would take the chance
Good news and it would only spoil the surprise

Should I find that down the line
Bad news would choose to abuse what would be my future reality
Why would I want to ...
... foresee
Some foregone tragedy
When one time would be enough...
...... actually more than enough for me
He was off.10  n 4
MM driving
She ad a need
LN herpurs
He was goN.out
As she was A rivN
He smiled with iiiiiiii
She decided 2stopD9
They both felt plugged in

2 d8 they r str8
4 4 complete zodiacs
1 N  the strol R
With  1 ND ovN

Ain lieFun.  E?
I've died but still walk among the living
Unseen and unheard by those living Souls
That recognize frequencies similar to their own
Ignoring any who have  problems with their controls
For that very short time I was tuned in
I feel a rye smile twist my face as I think of my touchy dial
That held just long enough for me to taste
Sweet Success now being replaced by the bitterness of denial
I know full well the parameters within which I am meant to dwell
Before I reset I take a second to remind myself to never forget
How for a  short time I was important to a mind other than mine
And that will allow me to reset now and forever with a single regret
I changed without on last line to with on Aug 7 2016
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