bat on the ceiling
watching the cool kids smoke
I feel myself
divided by the porch light into
everything, nothing, and
the bat on the ceiling
12 minutes closer to
death by the cool kids
smoke,
sweet,
lips that can kiss
and wish death on me
smiling watching kids smoke.

have  you felt death before?
Penetrating deeply inside falling
like light falls different
depending on which eyes are watching?
you are the boy smiling in the morning
reading at the coffee shop
I am the boy walking by you.
which shade of black did you see in me?
was it any different upside down?

I came out tonight to watch you
smoking something sweet
maybe smiling
sleepy
I close my eyes but the light comes through
Penetrating
whether I said yes or not.
what shade of black is the blackest,
and will your answer change depending on
whether you are lying
prone or upended?

every time I wake up
I am different
depending on
the light that day.
I want to sleep
and know whether you are
smoking sweetly
or sour smiling wishing death on me,
I want to know for certain that
the color I am seeing is the
black that is blackest.
I want to go to sleep
knowing I won’t wake up
hanging upside down from the ceiling
blacker than I was before
knowing you won’t turn on the lights
to see me hanging from the ceiling
**** running down my legs
eyes bulging
blackest I have ever been.

I want no light to penetrate me
whether or not I say yes
not saying or kissing or
smoking or smiling anymore.

Last night you were inside
Of somebody else,
How was that?
Was that a perfect fit
Like a wet puzzle piece you have to force in
Did it get better than
Mediocre at best
Did it reach the levels
Of tantric ******* hours
Did she taste like spaghetti?
Savoring the bit of yourself you spit out just for her,
Did she lick up every last drop?
I want to know.
You wouldn't tell me,
You said,
You didn't want to compare,
I think,
That's a baad, baad sign.

I guess if it was just about *** for you,
You would have ****** me and
Left, right?
And the fact that you
Didn't do that.

And that you
Called me back late at night
To sign up for abstaining
From something we both
Really like means
Something
About the way you feel about me?

I have a feeling it does,

Considering the way,
You kissed me before you left
The other night
And turned from the door
To tell me to look right at me and
Tell me that you
Loved me
And that you
Hoped I believed you

-How are you feeling now, about this?
(no reply)

Another thing
is when you told me that you warned me that
feelings might fade
while I’m away, which
is 2,875 miles and for 71 days
which is
a long time and far far away

another is when
you said quite
matterfactly
that what with the way you felt now
that wasn’t an issue
anymore

-How are you feeling now, about that?
(no reply)

Even if it happens
that's ok
all I can say is “ok ” and continue on with my life
so the stakes aren’t so high as they feel
in the bottom of my stomach pointing up
to puncture if I exhale deeply
so it’s ok,
for that to happen
it’s ok
for you to fall in love while I’m away,

in a way
it would be a little like a
premature death,
plenty unfair and filled with sadness
but also with the
relief
of absence, of the weight of the potential of
something newborn,
lifted.
you don't have to care for
you don't have to raise a
dead baby.

How are you going to feel about (this) (that) me?
(no reply)

You thought I was easy but in reality I’m the world’s most complex puzzle and the deepest labyrinth you can’t possibly hope to hit the end but you can try baby you can angle my body and my mind in any way you want to and by all or any means give it your hardest hit. But I’m very flexible, I can bend endlessly to match your bends and are you really big enough? I guess we’ll see

I wish my hair weren’t so big I wish I could live for a second like a testament to the fact I wasn't alive I wanna be invisible I wanna be a better me who pays her parking tickets who never ever ever let you know me from Jack. I’d be so cold I’d be somebody you didn’t know somebody who’s letter you left alone and who you gave a **** about. One day I’ll put you in a story and everyone will know you’re dirt on the ground alcoholic ***** and a sad mistake.

I see my body in the night against white sheets like a dark shadow there’s a pale face in the window illuminated by the porch lights my throat’s closed up with shock so I can’t scream he’s absolute stillness eyes wide watching me the darkness all around him starts to melt and move I’m frozen in the bed
When I was little I used to have escape plans steps in my mind to play out the moment the windows break or the doorknob starts to turn I’d hide in the hamper under the clothes when I woke up from a nightmare I’d run to my mom’s room and get in her bed
Now I’m grown up so I live alone and I have nowhere to run and nobody to save me so I don’t run or scream I just lay there looking back what else can I do

I don’t smoke
So much anymore
Even when he’s
Chain smoking in
The seat
next to me I don’t
Smoke
So much anymore