You're reaching the brink, the breaking point. But you quite like the sound, of broken plates and you greet with haste, the familiar taste of self destruction.

I remember the first night we kissed
The feeling of fireworks
Erupting on my lips
Of electricity pulsing through your fingertips
Tracing down my hips
To the curves of my spine
The standstill of time
As your eyes looked deeply into mine
And you drew the words i love you with your hot breath
And stamped them
Beneath my rib cage.

She is different, you know?
She shines a brighter light
She smiles a brighter smile
She is like the Sun,
Everything revolves around her.
Seasons change because of her and I fall in love like I fall for autumn
Every winter she makes hot chocolate for two even though she is alone because
The idea
Of sharing yet another Christmas by
Herself
Is too painful.
She pours it in a cup and let it sit by her side.
She imagines someone will walk through the door and sit by her side.
She imagines he will smell the beverage and
Smile
At
Her
She imagines someone will walk through the door and care.
She bakes cookies for four and gives them away to people with a smile.
But she smiles and somehow I can see it is broken.
Her smile is broken.
Her laugh is empty.
She is different, you know?

Oh sweet melancholy hill..
Almost pushed over the edge,
But held on by love,
And change of mind.
The ability to persuade ones own thoughts
is such a gift you see.
It enables one to keep things locked
Deep inside to keep the peace.
I'll hold it back to keep you safe,
For you're already close to breaking,
Your body never ceases shaking.
Why might I add to such a disaster?
You see I'll hold back things for your own good,
Because it's the love that reminds me I should.
I don't need to put two cents in,
Even if mother says to let it go,
She says it's best for me and how dare she hurt me like this.
She says what audacity she has to forget the true reasons of the past and have such selfish tendencies.
But I know this love has lasted forever,
And I'm not going to be the one to end it,
As I still believe it has no end, my thoughts have started changing.
It's making me feel funny,
Like I don't have a choice in my emotions,
And they can blare out whatever they want when they feel like it, no matter who is staring.
These actions she's making are slowly breaking me, I feel lost and tainted.
Confused and frustrated.
Why oh why, what did I do? Am I not enough to get you through?
I realize now as the truth comes out I am not, and I've failed.
Failed to be there.
Failed to show I care.
Failed in every possible way I could have,  
But to make you laugh when the time is needed.
And provide medicine to wash the pain away,
But only for a brief moment of life...
Until it all comes back again, but worse without it.
Hopeless is close to the word I'm looking for.
But selfish is what I'm called instead...
Selfish sel-fish šëłfįśh
I do not understand,
But if my past closest says it too,
Well **** it must be true...
Or are all of them scared,
Scared of the guilt and tears?
Even my past closest must be scared too, along with the rest of them.
She's going through hell and I'm not there
for she doesn't realize what she's done in the act
and the pain and flashbacks she's put upon my shoulders and mind in the process of focusing on oneself...

I still write to you, you know.
•Every second journal entry
is a letter I wish you’d read.


But my letters are written to ghosts,
who cannot touch
these pages I plant my seeds.


Your hands
no longer trace
the veins of my ink stain leaves. 


And you never cry
with me
to water my dreams

I am not the way I used to be
I am stronger and wiser as you can see;
Remember my words, my father said
As he cradled me up and laid me to bed;
You will someday be a lady with a life of your own
With someone to love you as I have shown;
I will always be here to lend a hand
To help you and guide you when you don't understand;
Somehow I believed his words I'd see
He was not the father he promised to be;
Instead he was a man that did not care
My siblings were my father because he was never there;
I often cry myself to sleep
My fathers love was not mine to keep;
I miss my father I won't lie
Not a single hug or one last goodbye;
He is now a man free to roam
Not worrying of his family or coming home;
He walked out of my life and never turned my way
Oh why daddy why didn't you stay?