the color of insomnia. the color of losing too much weight. the color of bad *** and regrets. the color of never really healing. the color being alone.

You are part of my history
No matter what I do
You've claimed a piece of me
And I still never want to see you again
But I've accepted that the person I knew
For five hours on a Saturday afternoon
Will never leave me

Your face is still going to haunt me
I'll still cringe when I imagine
Your hands on me
But I'm getting up
And moving on
And not caring if you move on too

as we rekindle the fire that once burned within us
i can feel your warmth slowly reach my frost bitten fingertips
your light pulsating through my veins
i can feel the imprint of your lips against my neck
and your fingertips against my waist
i can feel the fire that burned within us both bringing us home each night,
to the hallways we stole secret stares at eachother
trying to fight the feelings that later took us over.

it’s almost three in the morning
and i’m up in my too small bed
in a room that is too quiet
and my brain won’t stop
and my chest feels tight and i can’t stop
thinking of all the wrong i did against you

in the quiet of my room i think i’m learning
finally learning how to be kind
not to others
no that’s always been something i’ve excelled in
the sins of others were always easier to wipe away
their transgressions easier to look past
easier to drown them in grace
while leaving myself to burn

no i’m learning to be kind to myself
i was a bad person
or i could be a bad person
but that person isn’t me anymore
they deserve forgiveness
they were too young
and damaged
and unable to be kind to themselves

it’s okay
rest
you fought for a long time
and you fought well
but you’re safe now
people seem to forget that the throne you sat on
was not given
you had to crawl through the mud
and **** and maim to get to it
you became lethal
in response to a world that wanted to end you

but it’s time
to learn how to drop the sword
you are more than a weapon
more than a vessel of destruction
your jagged edges can be smoothed down
and where once rested anger and fear
you carry grace
and mercy