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One need only look to the four winds
to find four frowns;
eight sad eyes
straining to see
through stained glass tears.
The man said "I die daily" but
he didn't have a constant stream of
status updates
to maintain.
I define myself daily.
Being special has
thus far
not protected me from
the unbearable weight
of today.
All of the analog cigarettes and
old fashioned daydreams
in the world
cannot save me now.
If I'm not seen
am I really here?
Heavy hearts and weary heads
reside respectively in the chests and on the necks
of everyone I encounter.
The gas station attendant
feels empty and
is bereft of a sense of irony.
The world ends
not with bang OR whimper,
but
with a deep and baleful sigh...
with a deep and baleful sigh...
with a deep and baleful...
Grandfather,
If you can hear me now;
Would you be proud of you baby girl; Growing up in the cold, cold world.
Would be proud of the way I carry myself,
Even though inside I'm not much of a women
Sometimes I dress like a man despite the words that people say
"Don't touch her she's gay."
The tears roll down my face each and everyday
I wish the depression would just fade away
Sometimes I think of you,
And wonder if you ever think of me
After you died my life has been broke as can be
I cut on myself to see how much I bleed
I can't take this life,
for what I am not cut to be,
Stands right in front of me.
Grandfather,
Would you ever look me in the eyes again?
I know I've done wrong
But I ask for forgiveness,
From someone I haven't seen in so long
you
you
you
you
you
really
mess me up
inside.
So caring so kind so
UNDERSTANDING
you're just so sweet but
I can't keep standing
up in this mess
that you call
EVER AFTER
stand up
sit up
you're slouching
my dear
smile smile for the
CAMERA
smile smile oh so pretty
to convince all the
clowns and the queen
that you're happy
OH SO HAPPY
so so happy
with your
Failing Kingdom
and your
SELL OUT SHOW
oh so famous
in the tabloids
gossip gossip who is she?
spread that rumor
share that tidbit
give it up
spit it out
TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
because I'm dying for a fix
because I'm dying over here
I'm just dying
dying
dying
don't mind me
DON'T YOU SUFFER
not on my
behalf
don't you cry
oh no no
please don't cry
anymore
I can't
STAND IT
anymore
I can't
stand up
sit up
I can't smile for the camera
I can't
TAKE IT ANYMORE
I can't stay.
I can't stay.
I can't
STAY.
You were the first tomb I ever knew.

Sweet sixteen,

All tangled up in you.
You carried me like a chariot,
I know now how hard it was,
to bring me up on your own,

Seventeen,

child teething and broken evenings when you could of been day dreaming or on the scene - if it wasn't for your love for me.
Implicitly so pretty,

Eighteen years old as I crawled and drew on the walls with lipstick red,
and painted the toenails of my father - with you, only for you.
There was plenty of places we had lived
in ice cream castles together
and you were only twenty three,
when I was seven.
So many lessons learnt and fingers burnt as I grew up in a fairytale together on fairywell road.
Me and you together, only for you.
Then you got married and I was your baggage but you carried me so strong but I developed bad habits,
by the time you were my age now.

At twenty nine,
I was a teenager.
How did you do what you did for me,
I'll never know.
I just know I couldn't do the same and you maintained your allure, class and dignity and nature of the finest kind,
Only for you, my queen without a crown.
And now you may be forty six and I live miles away,
I'm 29 and been awake for days
I still miss you each day,
And you gave me a new family,
A brother and sister and a role model too,
It was only for me and it was only for you.
Now I hope you're proud and I'm never surprised when you forgive my sins through my puppy dog eyes.

Only for you. Only for you X
From your boy on Mother's Day.

I love you x
Icicle heart

I can't tell if it's cold outside
Or
I'm froze inside.
Icicle heart,
melts to raise the sea levels,
Then we drown in tears,
defeated by fears,
we see Devils,
The water is clear,
but crimson cold.
Your
cool calm and collected,
so level headed,
After all this years,
It's the apathy you feel
that makes fools of us.
Now there's swimming pools of regrets,
when
Icicles melt.
A cologne of shame,
pungent in the air,
carried by breath,
to pollenate the common class,
this
Icicle heart,
can never last
at least without
changing state
as
the landscape moves like a bad mood,
but the worst has passed,
and we backtrack.

Scrap that,

Take me back to the start,
Dinosaurs,
reptilian nature,
evolutions mistake,
Are you down for me and
My icicle heart,
melts into the stream,
and down the river it seems
an estuary divides us,
as we reach the sea,
impeach beliefs,
and the buoyant
keeps
my
icicle heart,
afloat,

I hope you feel me.

and
however it may seem,
you were nothing less
than a  dream,
nothing more than a
drop in the ocean to me,
and
my
cold cold icicle heart.
Ben Howard influenced.

— The End —