Fallen from the sky
with feathers of an angel
and fire of the gods
I wasn't turned away from you.
Though the stories and lore
Warned against those come from heaven
I knew jesus was the same
Cast from above
Light bringer
To the deprived.

Revelation I encountered
Thought producing thought.  
And you in my mind.

Terrible thing to not care
Whether he be devil or angel
God or not
His light burned so bright
I knew in my heart
this is who I follow.

See my heart beats blue
A lasting shade of indigo
After all the poison it's consumed
It still beats,  if a little slow.  

And im not so shaking
I'm not so weak
Not so terrified
Not so weak

Not scared of life
Or what it seeks.  

Just understanding
When it speaks.

There's a masochistic twist
In an atom
At the core

Oh so willing of pain
If only pleasure grows a little more.

God knew that he would die.

Measure the fall
And study the happening.
God fell first in lust to love
And we his mutants of selfish desire.

Winter has been aching .
For the lives it's been taking.
All in reactionary course
Reverberating universal remorse.
Echos in the ice cannon  Of the wrongs we commit
Crying to the winter for a one time requit.
But all in reactionary course
Humbling us with tradition of remorse.

Down to the bone
I'm sure your skeleton will look beautiful
when one day we die
and a thousand moments pass us by
for eternity.

It makes me sick to think of your flesh suffocating
your blood clotting in your body
But it will
and my heart will die along with you.

Despite my daily composure
those 18 years lingering between us,
You my senior
jesus christ its agonizing.

At just now 21
and you just now 40.
at five years deeply inlove.
at five years inseperable
ever single day
with the laughter we share
and the compliments passed back and forth
and the moment
oh this perfect moment
in which we float
no time
no age
just you and I
eye to eye
face to face
equals
and then my thoughts fade.
and I dont worry so much
I dont hurt
at the thought
of you dying
and then some one dies.
and im reminded.
That 18 years
you my senior
and the idea
drains me.

Your holiness reading scripts
yet I wonder what they meant
Some guru holding pose from 8 to 8.

But none of them are walking, like jesus said to do.
No none of them are living a life like mine.

And i wonder what more i could do
with my existence
than I have today .

I make a husband happy.
I baby sit a kid for cheap.
I paint pictures
I sow to reap.
What are we gaining,
from chastity and isolation

at night i center myself in introspection
hoping to do better the next day
to find deeper states of awareness
to bring this world something
it can consume..

But wondering,
we all have some purpose
some place
whats mine.
and whats theirs...
What are we doing

We're all taught that some day some where
things will be perfect.
as children we are told of santa clause
and as adults we are told of Heaven.
That if we can just make it through
our ****** existences
then maybe
if your good enough
maybe if your special
one day
You can have your happily ever after.

But I've found heaven
in shopping bags and books.


In running in to old friends in strange places

In making love in the yard at 4 a.m

I found heaven in life
and i think thats what people are missing.

Queen of the ember
so deep with in her
fighting off winter
yet none of us remember
what the winter really is

Just like west like
death like dying
cool disease.

You could hear her crying
it rolls up off the seas

Mothers hair grows in many shades of green
Natures course is an ever changing sheen

Prismic
how the father loves the mother
Prismic
How the light changes the weather...

Typically I stay quiet
in times of stress I would
rather just silence myself than deal with
the impending doom of attempting
to grasp what was going on
and exactly what needs to be done.
Numb to the entire world as long as
I need to make a decision.

And Indecisive is an understatement
as i fade to black blankness
as if my existance slips out from under me
and suddenly
I am no mind
No body.
Gone from this world
and I can hear your voice begging me
for thoughts of closure
like microphones made of paper
submerged in honey
echo and muffle
wom wom wom wom

Who am i,
I know nothing,
You need me now in this moment and for some reason
I can't conjure a single thought...

But im learning
to say
I love you when your lonely
and distancing your self from me
and I'm realizing you need
some one to steady you
with word from mouth
and food for thought
because your the same as me
and you just shut off from everything.

Your skittish glances weren't what made me love you
Nor your tendencies to suppress your true happiness
It wasn't the panic you exhibit in times of stress
nor your inability to trust me..
No, Your walls were not the beauty that en-captured me.

but instead those small glances at what laid beneath
what truly was an ugly damaged terrain.

You weren't something any one needed
But you used to be, and you could be once again.

If some one could just persuade you
into letting down that ugly armour.
Those ugly insecurities
those ugly thoughts you used
to cover such shining beauty.

If some one could get you to come out and play
once more, then i knew that i would love you
And i was so heavily inspired by those gleaming smiles
that you dropped for just a second on my presence
and then relinquished.
I was enamored by those short but true laughs
you quickly stifled back down your throat afraid of being to loud. Or to happy.

And those are what i staid for.

My phone rang.
"layney, your uncle tim died"

I was blank at first
then i sighed.

Thats ****** up..
was all I could say
Died this morning
it happened to day.

And he went to sleep just like any other night
But this morning when the sun made light
His body laid still and his skin grew cold
His mind had left, his time had gotten old.

And i distanced myself from him and every one else
before all this happened and now what is felt
is lost opportunity no room for more
Lost personality and hearts are torn.

And I have heard his voice a thousand times before

"uncle tim's little girl"

And i know it was so long ago,
but still he was here
and now that hes not
I cant hold back my tears.

There was a bird flying
to and fro
from me to you
and her to him.
From every one
to every where.

Showing care showing care.

This bird flew for ever
it always had
its always been.

But i haven't seen it for a while
I noticed I hadn't seen any one smile.

i wondered where it could of gone.

Hopefully it'd be back by dawn

Serendipity was ugly until the very end
I didn't feel lucky.
I knew the world would work for me
but brutally I thought.
Hard ship and pain surely were
the price I'd pay if i ever wanted
to be happy one day.

But then you were thrown in front of me
and I could only stutter
as I realized God had cast
this angel down before me...

And I thanked the heavens for
sacrificing such beauty to me
and I wondered
why i deserved such offerings.

But our steps fell in rhythm

Lastly, no one cares for your speech.
Nor your expression of any kind.
and Keep with in you a pride
in simply expressing
not pride in being received.
Keeping with in you desire
to know yourself
not desire in being known.

Salty tears and *****
blood thats iron thick
even in the *****

the ocean runs amock.

Revelations are quite the mystery
A moment before you were in the darkness
But now, something new has a dawned.

a thought which once before,
You were unaware.

Does this mean it was not there?

For knowing it have you invented it?

Or are you now, just a part of the clever collective,
of those who hold such thoughts?

And this is where vanity takes hold.

See not that information
see not that knowledge

as something you have realized
upon your own minds intelligence.

But rather a simple realization
of something which has always been.
but before you had not ears to hear
nor eyes to see.

From the time you were born
life has been filled
with subtle revelations.

Let them not get to your head in old age.

There is a fine line
between sanity and insanity.
Between dogma
and balance.
Between reality and illusion.

So fine, its indefinable
but if we all talk about it.
If we all walk around it.
If we all step into and out of it.
Perhaps we can learn
just by experience,
where the place to stand is.

You see out line,
How long did it take you ?
To realize
you'll never know any one
how you'd like to think.

What makes us believe in truth,
when we couldn't speak the whole truths
of our minds.
is it because we know beneath all the
distracting chatter we expel
there is a truth
we try to hide.
Is it because as much as we all lie
we know we are lying
some where
deep inside..
the part of us who can accept us
who can accept others.
Is fighting,
for you
to just tell the truth.

We have put to much importance
on purity
for we hide our faults in shame
we say

this does not belong to me
this is ugly and i it wish not to be.

but that ugliness is truth....

softer shades
of a lighter grey
found under thousands of pounds
of imagined colors.

Undefined
but i want to know
what lays under this color.

These bright contrasts of what  i pretend to be.

Almost suffocating.


What do they mean.

Its all blurred lines till you stand back
funny how perspective grasps at those
shadows
irrespective of reality
and its laws.

Sacred brain the vitals drain
and spongey  dripping sick

Expansion beyond these walls.
seven colors, seven thoughts.
Calling inward out.

Speaking through movement
adding emotion
talking in strokes
to define
the image
the pattern
brought forth
from the abyss.

Your like smooth cream
in my dark waters

I need this 'fore my being fades to black.

Enough about you its me,

I have this over bearing presence which just disappears
in times of insecurity.

and once what encompassed you
becomes the walls of the room
and I'm here but your alone.

I laugh ugly.
I speak loudly.
I sing song every thing.
I smother you in my presence.
I sit to close,
I grab your face.

Until I think
maybe your better off alone

to which i recoil.

with in myself
and quiet on the out.

Asphyxiation
is a declaration
of my unwillingness
of my uselessness

And sickness pouring in my body
as I worry.

What if the thoughts you exhibit create
your state of being.

What if, the morning of your car wreck, you had thought

one less thought
worried
one less time
stressed over how things were
one less time.

Would it have changed things
maybe.

What if you hadn't entertained the idea of your body
or your mind falling a part.

maybe if we learned how thoughts cause the body
to react
we could live for ever

Get over it,
thousands of grains smothered by you

Only you
your not this innocent
used
precious being.

You take beyond your own recognition

oblivious to this world
and its pattern.

Your not some withered animal trapped.

center pose
find your balance,
hold your stillness
in its place.


Make yourself
go to the mat.
do it now
you'll soon feel great.

Hold the pose,
find your balance,
hold stillness in its place.

Stone walled by the minds inability
to grasp reality.
Sigh, life has always been some what difficult.
At least it's comical, its strange.
Looking back I miss the security of being a child.
My mother used to beat me for anything
and that was all i had to worry about.
She'd take a fist full of hair and drive her palm into my face with force from both ends.
And I'd tense up
and my endorphines would flow.
Toxifying my young mind.
Slowly pain became pleasure
and the euphoric feeling from getting my *** beat by a woman twice my size was relaxing.
After she was done, I would crawl away to my bedroom.
I would laugh hysterically at myself because there was
no reason
to cry.
I had cried so many times
why waste another moment
crying
over
*** beatings.
**** it up butter cup
no one loves you so love yourself.
life moves on.
first lesson learned.
Its harder now, to love myself, that I don't have too.
Or maybe sometimes I just can't.

we are all goats .

Goats and Sheep they say

but i like to think most people aren't sheep

most people are goats in sheeps clothing afraid to experience this world
like a leader
to forage the mountains
beyond the shepherds field

I am the shameless *****.
For sinning is in my blood
and I am shown that every month
at my bodies detest,
destroying a cell.
It was set for life but not so,

rip your guts out.

And He Is a shameless tyrant.
King of the world
murdering theif

And in our destitute

alone

we were nothing more than edging towards a bottom
eating our own flesh in rage and jealousy at each other

but when  My Whoreship
met His Tyranny
we found purpose.
In unison.

We found joy in expression
we found that coming together
made us worthy of something.
gave our sins reason
gave our sins a divinity
which could never be changed.

A perfection of two ever destructive things.

Two things which always destroy themselves
coming together
in perpetuity

and creation

something either were incapable of.

and that  is the origin of evil.
and how life came forth from it.

Stamen and Pistil
fistfuls and blissful
you concrete my grounding


deep cave diving
tall tree climbing
The smell of you is astounding.

Nectar and pollen
like ***** and *****
Rod is fallen
serpent does yearn.

My flowers bloom
only under your moon
and your sun light just
bakes me away.


Couldnt have known you
a moment to soon
and the moment just
takes me away.


Cycle spinning
cross over and spiraling
Moon whoreship sinning
frequency dialing

I think we are just feeling it out.

Face to face
I know you love
pressure on your cheek bones,
suffocation
if its gentle.
push me
down your river.

You spoke and it was like every thing
was made from glass.

and your frequency was far to chaotic for my universe

sharp chunks of everything I had worked so hard to believe
embedded in my skin
as the whole of my existance shattered before you
into a thousand tiny pieces all landing in front of you
perfectly aligned
to spell out
life well lived.

who are  you
some mystical being
God,
or who I was meant to become.
How could you
I mean me,
How could I be so far away
as to not notice it was only my reflection
and I shattered it myself.

my sun rose but the clouds kept the rays at bay,
they protected me from the blisters of pain
induced from to much touching
to much loving.

They hovered over me like a blanket of protection
pretentious
suffocation.
Like a dogs eagerness to lick its pups
but they run, they run
to much touching
to much loving.

And I hide from it all.
From the rays of the sun
from the dampness of the clouds.
above me everything
i shelter myself.

Below me, i wonder what hides
from me
I wonder what runs,
and who is it, keeping distance

From to much touching,
to much loving

those painful blisters induced
from to much touching
to much loving.

I run

They say misery loves company
but i never had a friend
and i didn't know i was alone
until the very end.

When they lightening came down
in the night
and i could see the barn

The cattle screamed
and ran for cover
scared of being harmed.

The sky crackled
the deepest of groans

I stood in the grass
feeling alone.

The lake looked jello
with the ran coming drown

With every breath I took I drowned.

Sand polished from the bones of so many came to past
are we not aware of the horrible implication
that the dust we walk on is the lives of those lived before us?

From the time things were oh so small
where bacteria died and built up in  space.
where rotten flesh of so many
turned life for so many.

dust to dust

do you understand the implication

that to continue living, one must die.

to continue evolution one must sacrifice.

We are spectral
like our ancestors
and I am trying
to see into
your flaming whisps of
ever changing.


Your magnetic feild is far beyond compare
to those i have already seen, and see.

You move towards your center
with your oh so healing glitter
and it glistens all around
your earthly body.

Astonishing
astounding
your glitter
is surrounding.

I'm dancing in the
breeze of your spirit.

its bigger than you
its bigger than me
it swallows up
all eternity.

this body has no mind.
Who am i?

This body can't define.

Who am i?

She swore lives were more than what we were taught.

Sea Shores  Ocean pores and Land Locked.

She  spoke of passion I had never felt.

Said when true purpose hit you
that the false self would melt.

I wondered what parts of me were real...

And then it hit me,
I had been keeping such distance
from the sore truths of my existence.

I tried to hide it but i never really hid it

I tried to fight it but i never did get it.

I started wondering,
why psychology wasn't taught in school...

I started to think that humans were very cruel.

but it started at the soul, it started at the core
How could we ever grow, if we never knew more.

Why do I get sad, why do things seem funny?
why do so many spend their entire lives running?

Why don't parents understand the neediness of the young.
Why do we all age, feeling slowly hung

Asphyxiation of the mind
or maybe its the soul,
maybe its asphyxiation of humanity in a whole.
and we do it ourselves
through a collective ego.

why are we so scared to be vulnerable?

Conception never screamed so loud
as when I came unto you

It screamed mistake
dont take
this fear you've been eating
will disolve all love
and its yourself youll be eating.

How tangible is mind,
your thoughts are so sound?
That proven beyond doubt
you are real?

Saber bladed
bloodied tooth
with stretching pulling
ripping flesh.

It moves for you,
One big beautiful mesh
of everything that ever was

with matter stretching forth
every thing that ever was
a reflection of the forest.

Twitching tendons
dare to spasm
so close to getting

what you want.

what you need

You bleed and bleed
every single month.


Faces swimming in the ocean tide
Waiting for an **** ride

of separation

just begging for creation...

I understand you little bug
you twitching pulling
parasite.

Its everything in nothing
and i see it all around.


its creation and its spacious

its time consuming and gracious

Its everything that ever was...

this life your living now.

look around,
do you see the ancient reflections
shining in the air
with the clearness of the wind
as it moves through your hair...

No heavens gate
could be this pure.

Selfishness borns
that utter thing

Selfishness borns
something to celebrate.

You weren't thinking forward
just wanted your ever after.

You didn't want me.
just wanted your ever after.

and I know I wasn't called upon,
I know I wasn't beckoned.
I know you didnt summon me
to fix what you'd been wrecking.

But I'm here now, Im alive.

As strange as it may seem,

Your complete selfishness
borned a complete me.


And its oh so hard to swallow
that I wasnt one of those,
precious flowers planted
and in pain you hope it grows.
But instead  a seed which fell
from a bird far over head
and I grew and grew and grew
until you wanted me dead.

You gashed at all my stalkings
you pulled at all my leaves
You plucked all of my petals
trying to destroy me.

You picked at my root bed,
hoping i would wither in the sand

Never did you think of what would happen
if by chance i would survive

and then the mother of my creation is who wanted me to die.

But i staid alive.


And now you see me from afar
and you know that I'm aware

of all the pain you put me through
and that non of it was fair


But you expect me not to care.

I'm still second guessing what could have been
if i was raised in the flower bed I was meant to be in.

If my seed had been planted so consciously
that the moment I sprouted was

appreciated.

Bleeding blooded
dripped through her teeth
she stopped at nothing to devour me.

Yellow hair  covered uncertain animal.

Trivial fails
and tribal cannibal.

Eat your own flesh
You wobbling legs.

Pressed me into the fire
for a million and one days.


I wanted love from you.
I wanted warmth.

You didn't know the truth
so she only gave me hurts.

I want now, I need.

Desire builds a fire,
and its threatening me.


You ******* beast.
Never gave me what i need.

Now I fend for myself so relentlessly.

Your safe now, your safe now

I repeat to myself.

Oh but those thoughts of what could have been.

Thoughts of that animal tucking me in.

Thoughts of that animal ******* in sin.

Thoughts of that animal bringing me in.

You brought me here
oh trivial fails
you brought me here.

Your light reflects
through my looking glass eyes
such color and beauty
such vigor and stride.

If only i could reflect
in every one who new me
the way you shine
deep into my eyes.

But I'm not the same

not the same as you
and you aren't quite like me.

and I think every one knows
i think its pretty easy to see.

I move through the ocean
you soar through the sky.
I'll bury myself in the dirt
you never want to die.


I want to burrow to the deepest parts of you
the caves into the earth
I want to show you the glory in death
i want to cover you in dirt.

Sand down my rougher edges,
I swear not to scuff
the outer layer of
your finger tips.

So delicate

to move me
replace those parts no longer working
oil all the gears.

Take me to your basement and leave me there for years.

I'll be the project of the century.

Soft petals of truth
sanctify you

Your blossoming blooming
is so utterly proving.


Your thoughts and your doing
are so totally moving.

I'll tear those petals off.
I'll take what I have lost.

Lightening comes down ******* my spine
serpent lifts its body in curved lines
Medusa awakens deep with in the flesh
Mother will reign until there's nothing left.

War.

Stone walled cherry picking slave at her feet.

He begs for one more chance, a thousand kisses deep.

Hoping she will allow, jesus and mary to meet.

another life another love
another chance, a thousand kisses deep.

40,000 years
40,000 lovers

Together in a eternity


Please my soft Sophia
he said don't turn on me.

She shook with such rage,
why couldn't he understand
that every time the world was to end
He came and asked for her hand.

I want you lover just like you want me
but wouldn't you rather play for eternity
than turning in,
and becoming one
I love to melt into you
but being two is so much fun.

He went silent,
just like he does
and she raged in her cage
just like a frightened dove.

Why can't you understad
that you always come
closing the end of time

I want you to go.
I want you to hide.
I need you to run away.
Just leave me behind
I'll wait for your soul
till the end of time


He stilled
like she asked him
he closed her right out
and the pain was intense
but it was written in vow
for better and worse
For sickness and health
for rich and for poor
For the cost of wealth.

Growing tired
he aproached her again
darling I love you
but what your doing is sin.

Its time to go now
its time to retreat,
me into you and you into me

she said

But to play as two is just so much fun
as good as it feels to melt into one.

I'm not addicted to drugs
I'm addicted to being high.

Choke me out
cause i love to die.

And then come back,
all electricuty...

sad to say noone ever knew me

Like I know me.

I'm not addicted to drugs

I'm addicted to being high.

I promise you that

I could never lie.

Its just that an altered state
is what I am seeking.

Those are the seeds I sow
and with luck, what I'll be reaping.

No, it doesnt take drugs
to alter the mind
and Im still learning
but im sure I'll find
what I've been yearning

and this this pain
from the constant burning
will go away