there was a time i was,
someone.

i used to feel the cold.
I've not turned the boiler on in 4 years.

i used to dress in clothes,
and care what they look like.

i've not cut my hair in nearly 10 years.

i've not been to the doctor in over ten years.
the dentist in 12.

i've not read a book in nearly 14 years.
i read over a thousand before i was 16.

i used to listen to people.
now i couldn't care less.

i used to exercise and care about my appearance,
now i walk around naked and don't get dressed.

I used to leave the house.
i still do,
but i long for home.

i used to respond to my texts,
now i've changed my number.

i used to have friends,
now i hate them.

they still try,
but when they look me in the eyes -

they know i'm not who i used to be.

i used to be scared to die,
now i'm only too scared to **** myself.

i used to think i had talents and qualities,
now my only issue is that i'm too much of coward to end my life.

i'm suicidal,
but too pathetic to do anything about it.

So i just exist in nothingness.
Understanding life and understanding myself,
but i can't find reason,
or purpose,

and i don't even care.

i used to be a human being.

now i'm just a black hole where a soul used to be.

i could of been a million things,
but i'm one of those million.
A billion manipulations,
hundreds of thousands of conversations,
and a trillion situations,
but i'm now just the combination,
of the placements of those subtle decisions.

the result is this.
an accumulation of bad decisions,
and fear.

conditioned to do what maintains my survival,
rather than whats vital to experience.
i'm nowhere near the person i could of been.

or should of been.

but it's too late now,
to change my stubborn ways.
a scared diplomatic reasonable boring *******.

that can't ride the rollercoaster.
that can't sky dive.
that can't leave the country.
that can't commit suicide.

pragmatic and content.
the worst combination.

i can't break the mould of my equation.
too sensible.
not scared,
just placid.

emotionless.

dead inside,

money means nothing,
success is nothing,
doing nothing is nothing,
but its easier as it has the same result.

i used to feel something,

but i don't know when that was.

maybe it was me.
maybe it was the ****.
maybe it was the world.
maybe it was the girls.

either way,
now,
nothing is my only friend.

and I've tried to feel -
but its not worked for nearly ten years.

i'm not sure i'll ever feel anything again,
but i'll pretend things matter, so i can fit in.

I was asked am i excited to go on holiday,
i said yes,
but i wasn't.
nothing changed.
nothing ever has.

I've seen so many things in the past few years.
neil young.
rolling stones.
bob dylan.
radiohead.
foo fighters.

i stayed in jim morons  motel room.

i felt nothing.

literally nothing.

i've succeeded more than ever before -

i won a £1500 last night.

Nothing.

It's my only friend and only emotion and none understands why i can't feel anything.
I dont understand it either.

I would do anything to feel terrible,
or anything,
pain,
love,
hope,
happy,
sad,
anything.

my feelings are frozen in stone.

I can't even care - it doesn't even bother me.

I'm just aware of it.

Nothing is my everything now.

c(h)ancer

You took her final breath away.
She never stood a chance.

Still water runs deep,
But the puddle remained,
Ripple less
To take turns to look in the reflection,
of the backrounds sound that reverberates across the landscapes.
Twisted invertebrates,
You still got my back?
We’re stuck in the mud,
up until our waist.
As the sunsets' behind,
I can’t look over,
my dislocated shoulder,
blades,
slice and sharpened,
by pebbles grains,
and then
skimmed across the puddles
so only ripples remain.
Though they soon disappear,
into the stagnant grasp
of fear and statuesque
placid, tranquil times.
In a hushed halycon,
hedonistic slices of life.
Still water runs deep,
but I drown in the shallow aqua,
in the afterlife of undulation.
The aftermath of the ripple effect.

little girl blue,

They reminisce over you,
In the cosmic blues,
A star before the fire sparked,
consistent front page news.

A heart of golden rock and roll,
Nothing stopping you.
The pain inside took its toil,
the grain in your voice and tortured soul,
stole us all from you.

It was time that took your life,
In the the time of your life
You wanted to be loved so much,
but not enough to change your mind.

Now you are a shooting star,
that burnt out years before,
Captured in the music left,
that all of us adore.

There was time my mind was yours,
But my heart is yours regardless,
The beats defined a music sheet and you played me like a harpist.

The score settled like rose petals in the essence of the tarnished
The stems remained like overtures,
And that's where it all started.

You blossomed in the minus key,
Your golden touch was midas
The treasure crept in semi clefts,
The breath I took was harnessed.

I played the jester to your beat
And bowed to you my highness.


You took my crown and held me down
The curtains closed in darkness.

******* coma

Cool
Calm
Collective,

Constantly
Caught
Consistence,

Common
Cold
Conflicted,

Colossal
Conduct
Clinic,

Climate
Cold
Conscription,

Condemned
Coma
Victim.