Keeping dry eyes,
And hiding to cry
Wearing long sleeves,
Leaving the blood there to dry
Knowing how to feel better,
But not willing to try
This is the epitome of many peoples' lives

Breaking your heart,
Just to keep others' whole
Keep going on,
When you can't handle anymore
Pushing yourself,
But you already know
You need help,
With nowhere to go

Not loving yourself,
But smiling through
Feeling so hopeless,
Like nobody loves you
Dying inside,
But still pushing through
Counting your breath,
Wishing to be someone new

Anxiety and Depression
Take hold of your mind
Your life feeling like
It's falling apart
You want to feel better
But don't know how to start
So you take all your medication
Trying to finally stop your heart

In the hospital room,
Waking up after days
Family crying,
Telling you you're okay
But you know you're not
Okay in any way
You still feel as though
You're wasting away

They put you in therapy
To have you start "healing"
You get put on medications
To take the edge off of what your feeling
They call it the road to recovery,
Learning again how to be a happy human being

I know it takes so long
And the journey is tough
But you meet people along the way
Who have also had it rough
You learn you're not alone
And you're on your way up
Just know there are people there for you
Forever, no matter what

My heart is fragile,
My mind is weak,
Sometimes I don't have the energy to speak,
My life seems like a vivid dream
And sometimes I can actually believe
That my limits have finally reached their peak

Sometimes I wonder if I am dead
And all my memories are made up inside my head
Like my heart already ceased to beat
But my mind is still forcing me to think,

Sometimes my heart is so sore
That I don't know if I can handle much more
But I have to for there are these things
That play through my mind
And keep my heartbeat in sync
With the thoughts that play
Throughout my head
As I lay inside my nice warm bed
And although nightmares are my only type of dream,
My siblings make me able to breathe

Love destroys
This fragile boy
Now he needs my protection
His heart is broken
His mind is weak
All he needs is real affection
You may not notice
How he will be
But you can't be oblivious
To what this means.
He loves you for you.
And you're calling him weak?
You don't deserve his love
He doesn't deserve to be
In a relationship
Where the one thing you need,
The love, isn't there
You weren't meant to be
He will do great things
And I will be there
When he succeeds
Because it turns out
I'm his big sister, you see
I won't let his compassion **** him
I won't let him wallow in grief
What I will let him do
Is forget about you
But also learn the lesson
That not all "love" is true
His heart is so big
And you left one crack
From which
I will make sure
He will bounce back

I really can't keep doing
The things that I do
The things that I know
Are just making me miss you
Mommy come back
Just fix my mood
You're the only thing I need
You always know what to do

I really can't keep doing
The things that I do
The things that I know
Will remind me of you
Because if I can remember
Just one more thing
I know it'll be harder
For me to see
And there'll be less of a reason
For you to leave


I really can't keep doing
The things that I do
The things that I know
Will disappoint you
I shouldn't self harm
Cause the thought of you
Looking at my scars
Of me thinking that I had nothing to lose
Nothing to live for
Living life with no muse

I really can't stop doing
The things that I do
The things that I know
Will relieve you
The things that I know
Will make you proud
Make you see the daughter
You missed being around

Just don't live your life
Full of regrets
Cause, Mommy, if you did that
Your life would be a mess
Believe me, I know
That's how I started too,
But, Mommy, trust me
I will always help you through

I know you think you realize
How I truly feel
But I don't think you recognize
What is really real
The hardest thing for me to show
Is all my actual pain
Because no matter how I share it,
It will never go away
I cry myself to sleep at night,
To try to tire myself out
Hoping that the nightmares I have,
I will forget about
That's just the bare minimum
And I am sorry to say
That you will never understand
Unless you see it my way

I wonder if you know
That I am doing fine
I usually don't
Understand why
Why did you leave
After promising so much
Mommy, Mommy, please
I just want one more hug

I  know it seems silly,  
But no one has asked why
Why it hurts so much
And why I always cry
Because the one thing in this world
I've wanted since I was young
Is for my bio mom
To save me from my tongue
I put myself down
I mess my world up
I hate it when I do these things
But I am not done

Mommy, could you tell
That I was hurt so bad?
That no matter what happened
I could not be saved
Unless I put my mind to it
And learned a different way
I won't be sure until I know
That I will be okay
Consistency is what I need
But it can't be that way

I miss my family
I miss the way
That we could act
Like it's okay
Because what I've  gone by
My whole life
Is
Fake it til you make it
And it'll be alright

Do you ever feel misunderstood?
Well with a story like mine you sure would
People sit there they don't know what to say
I go to therapy and they're blown away
Some people sit there
And act like they care
But then a new job comes along
They quit out of nowhere
I've been in treatment all together
For over 2 years
People asked if it helped
But it's different for everyone
Different homes
Different facilities
Different faces
Different bullies
Then, when you get out
It's just a fight
Constantly asked if you're alright
Sometimes it's yes
You never say no
Because you fear that back to treatment you'll go.

The thing about my bio mom
Is
Sometimes she tries
But
Sometimes she says things
That she knows will make me cry
I know she has a problem
But she has no right
She doesn't understand
She hasn't been in my life.

Then, there's this woman
I simply call her, "mom"
She's been with me since day one
Through everything I've done wrong
Helps me through my mistakes
Makes sure I know she's always there
She helped every day
To simply brush my hair

Sure, I want my bio mom,
But it's not worth the pain
I'll only put effort in that relationship
If she puts the drugs away

I will love my moms until the end of time,
But there's only one mom
That I am proud to call mine.

I am tired,
But I can't sleep
My mind knows what to say,
But I can't speak
You know what to do,
But it won't show
Which makes me think
That you don't know
The truth lies on the tip of your tongue,
But you act as though
You're the only one
This affects me
More than it affects you
Maybe one day
You'll speak the truth
You never loved me,
I just accented you.

Teresa Swartzentruber, 34, ****

You know how bad this hurts me, Mom?
To know, you could be there?
But now that you have your drug of choice,
You could be anywhere.
I'll love you through anything, anyone, alright?
The only thing I hate you for
Is risking your precious life.

Maniac
Insane
Say you're sorry
Still betraying

Youthful, not anymore
Obvious, like you're at war
Underestimating, soon you'll see, the people you hurt, not just me

Mine forever
Or until you die
**** took you away from me, I won't believe your lies

I don't think people realize
How much pain and sorrow
I tend to hide
I hold in the fact
That I need to cry
And I will walk around
Like I'm alright
Then I remember the sorrow and pain
That just earlier today
I had hidden away
These feelings give me
So much shame
And soon I will break
Then I will cry
Maybe some will be let go tonight

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy
Why, Why, Why?
Why did you decide
To go Bye-Bye?
You said you'd never leave
But you went away
Now I look for you
Every day
Daddy says that we will be okay
But I miss you Mommy
Comeback someday
Hopefully soon
Just wanted you to know
*I LOVE YOU

I hate to say
That I spend my days
Thinking about you
Wasting away
I wish you were here
I wish you would stay
I wish you would stop running away
I would help you
But I know you'll just say
"I'm scared of this life"
And try to take away
The thought that will stay
Think about the present, the future, today
The past is the past
You can't just throw it away
I love you Mommy
I will love you everyday
Even when you're gone
But I still wish that you'd stay....

Sometimes I feel stuck in this excessively cruel world
Not knowing where to go
A lost, and lonely girl
My life is crawling up
But I still fall down
When I grow up
I feel like leaving behind
That thirteen year old girl
In a sixteen year old's mind
And I will be
That girl that people say
"I wanna be
somewhat like her one day"

Don't let them in
Don't let them see
Well, isn't that the story of my life
I feel as if I have to hide
In order for my life
To remotely be alright
Treatment helped
But music has helped more
I love my life
I love the person inside me
I love my friends
Even my dysfunctional family
I need to let this girl inside me out
But I need you to help me
In order to succeed
I need positive and encouraging people
To gather around me

You think you know me
But you don't
You want to hold me
Is that a joke?
My life is bad
Do you really think?
Id stoop so low
To even think
You're the only one for me
Not even after a couple drinks
You may think you're all that
But really you're not
You may think your life is a drag
But step in my shoes
And my life isn't as bad
As some other youth's
So be grateful
For what you have
For one day it may be gone
And you'll lose everything you loved the most
Trust me, I know a lot about that one

He thought he knew me
I think he still does
He tries to call me
To "confess his love"
But all he needs
Is the "hugs"
All he wants
Is the drugs
He wants the girl
Twelve years of age
Stole her innocence
Because she says
"I want you
My life will be
The one you have
As long as
You want me"
But I was high
And you did that to me
I woke up next to you
Twelve years old
And you, seventeen
Next few weeks and
I'm pregnant
A few more
And I lose it
And with that I lose all my dreams

Nothing brought me down today
My life is still a drag
But with the people who see my way
It makes it not so bad
My dad says he wants me here
He loves me
What a joke
I've never seen the dad I had
The one the liquor broke
This is the dad my siblings know
It really hurts my heart
My step mom is just mom to them
But to me she's the evil step mother
They call me Cinderella
Lock me up
Make me a slave
Take me from my prince
Can't even look my way
I'm changing my life
Because if I do
Just like Cinderella
I can be someones princess too

I feel like a girl
Trapped inside this world
The towns I'm around
The people who surround me
Turn me upside down
I'm not where I am happy
Not where I need to be
Id love my new family
To be relatively close to me
Because without them
I wouldn't have found me
I wouldn't have found exactly where I want to be
They mean the entire world to me

Sometimes I think
Could it possibly be?
That I can be happy
Being just me
And then I look around
And realize
Nobody knows me for any of the three
Me, myself, and I
Is all I want to be

Inside my brain,
I constantly try,
To fight flooding waters,
To make sure I don’t die,
But on the outside it all seems fine,
But truth is, I just want to cry
My life is sometimes bad,
But my heart and mind isn’t weak
I will try and try,
To be sure I don’t sink,
Because without my lungs,
How am I ‘sposed to sing?

Inside my brain,
I constantly try,
To fight flooding waters,
To make sure I don’t die,
But on the outside it all seems fine,
But truth is, I just want to cry
My life is sometimes bad,
But my heart and mind isn’t weak
I will try and try,
To be sure I don’t sink,
Because without my lungs,
How am I ‘sposed to sing?

Well, life *****
Lets start out with that
Everyone is so self centered in this small town
I hate my body
I hate my hair
I hate those people that pretend they care
Seems my writing is at its best when I'm mad
Which my happen more often, other times I am sad
I work so hard to be what they expect
It's never good enough
Like I'm a birth defect
I may love my life, but I don't love myself
I just want someone there
To nurse my mind back to health
I'm just realizing the truth
I just have to wait
Until I can be exactly like you...
Then no one can hate

I'm sick of being "that girl", I mean everyone knows me, but I want some guy to love me for who I am, for being different, for not being skinny or pretty like the other girls. I am waiting for the moment when God shows me to someone and they think the complete opposite of what every other guy has thought of me. People can be harsh and I pretend like I don't mind, but I really do. I wish that some guy would love me for me, but nope I have to be perfect, pretty, skinny, the whole package deal. Why can't guys realize that I have a good personality and I would never ever cheat, I may not be like other girls...but I am like me and that's exactly what I wanna be.

I sat in my room
For hours and hours
Trying to tell them
They aren't in power
My life went to hell
My grandfather died
He was my rock
And I wasn't even nine
It was the last day of summer break
I sat up all night
Frighteningly awake
Their were voices
In my head
Telling me just to go to bed
So I did...
I dreamt that night
Of my grandfather
With glowing red eyes
Like a murderer
I knew it wasn't him
So I woke up in alarm
Who would've thought
I had scratches down my arm
I miss him still
But I can't stand to think about him
When I do...
I think of that dream

How I think of this feeling
This so called happiness
I try to remember when was I like this?
It just doesn't seem
That it will happen again
Because they both are gone
And I mean dead
They were my rocks
To hold me up
I guess they still are
But this whole ghost thing is hard
I wish I believed that they could be there
I wish I knew how they felt
Where they are
Is it actually really hard
Because it seems like it's the only way out
But I have a family that loves me and that's no doubt
It just gets hard considering my past
But live for the future
And hope the happiness lasts

I can't think straight
My life is a mess
My mother's full of hate
It gives me much stress
My momma's in treatment
I'm in foster care
My daddy lives near me
But he's never there
What do I do?
In this small world
I just have to tough it through
It would help if I had you..

I can't think straight
My life is a mess
My mother's full of hate
It gives me much stress
My momma's in treatment
I'm in foster care
My daddy lives near me
But he's never there
What do I do?
In this small world
I just have to tough it through
It would help if I had you..

I feel so different
I just can't sleep
I feel so different
Because he's not with me
I made a mistake
My heart is dead
I just lay here
Alone
In my own bed
Hoping to die
Sad and alone
No reason to cry
Because nobody will know

Please pray for my uncle, he is in the hospital OD'ed right now

I may eat meat
But I can't help but think
Why would we do this
What if they turn on me?
We don't eat dogs
We don't eat cats
What's the difference between that
And a rat?
Someone please explain it to me
Why we eat animals
Just 'cause they're meat

You ever feel like you're always there
But then turn around and they don't even care?
Well that's just how the worlds gonna be
People may "love"
But all I see
Is the hidden pain
It never goes away
Just a dream of life
Doesn't even strive
They just expect it to come
As does the wind
But that's not how it works
For me I just might as well quit

They tell me not to worry
Then they go and **** me over
They tell me life is worth it
You sure don't make me feel like that
I try and try and try
But it's never good enough
That's why I'm here
and not with you
Because you can't guide me
Don't ever leave me
Just stay right here
I just don't trust you
I love you here

People are just so rude nowadays
No respect
I'll show them their way
**** my life
They hate me, great
Just because I was the one to stand up and say
What they did wrong
What they're trying to hide
What they're trying to prove
By telling me to go die
People can hate on me
Hate on my friends, guess what, You're dead meat

I can't help but sit and think
Why this all happened to me
Why can't I be somewhat the same
As everybody who knows my name
I hate the fact that I can't have my dad
When my life just gets really sad
And my mom tries
But our relationships bad
When we try to talk we just get really mad
Treatment Foster Care really *****
Taking meds makes me feel yuck
Life is a drag
It's all getting bad
My heart has been stepped on
And thrown in the dirt
I have court Halloween Day
I just wish they would let me have my way