i saw you
today
the way you were acting
was scary
like i might lose you

i cant lose you
because i might lose myself

lost in sad slow songs
in a depressive spiral
aren't we all?

whose idea was
to rely so many emotionally
unstable
people on each other?

---

his hair hung around his face like a halo
with the sun shining
warm and bright in a field
lovely in its loneliness
a stream tinkling nearby
and only chattering birds
and bumbling bees
to witness our bliss
high on the sun
and sugary sweet kisses
we were kind, lovely and true
in the shade
of a weeping willow
we were silent
understanding
as the sun drifted lazily away
and left us a cocktail
of strawberries and nectarines
pink and orange
you and i
dancing in the grass
stirring up lightning-bugs
like little stars themselves on earth
dancing in the heavens with an angel
smiling and tipsy
buzzing and warm
telling stories and tales
while the little earth-stars
fly away home
writing our own myths
unafraid and unashamed
skin to skin
heart to heart
we could be anything
but tonight we could only be this
and, by god, it is bliss.

they say
everything is made
with a purpose.

i believe
that i was not meant to love
(or be loved)
i was not made to live

maybe my existence
is just a sick ******* joke
that the gods(?) are playing

maybe im meant to be a story
one better told than lived

maybe the world needs something to end
before it begins

maybe i need to die
to let others live

i fell in love with an artist
he painted me the sky with his words
he gave me the world on a box
and in the box he put flower petals and smiles

i want his words
to keep forever
they make me smile
and it feels nice
to smile.

i slept all day.
after you left,
i thought i might cry
or something
but i just felt empty
its like every good thing that happens
must always end in disaster.
but this isn't over
i dont think so at least
maybe
this will work out
i really hope it does
im really sorry you had to be a part of the disgusting mess that is me.

i want
to be with you
i want quiet moments in the dark
i want soft kisses on my neck
i want to hold you
and let you hold me
and just be
together.
we won't need words or labels
just us
us.
i want there to be an us
forever.

your eyes were gentle and sweet
not the fire i usually saw.
it was strange
seeing you so calm and happy
as opposed to your usual chaos
like how a fire
can bring cities down to dust and rubble
or gently warm a family home
i like you both
and i hope you don't leave
i like seeing you sleepy
when you mumble words
that don't make sense
but i can tell what you mean
i like watching your face
change and react to things i can't see
but i wish i could
i like you
a lot

all these words that mean nothing
it doesn't even make me feel better
just
exhausted and alone
in the library
at a table
doing nothing important
but tiring myself out
so i don't make any more
stupid decisions
it means nothing
to you
but everything
to me