Embedded in my soul are the words never spoken.
Kept hidden behind a curtain of uncertainity.

Embedded in my soul are the actions never taken
Kept locked in cages of regret.

The window was locked
as if to confine my whispers  
to my room
so they would not find him
and let him know
That
I
Love
Him.

Every night when I lay my head to sleep
You enter my mind.
Every night you are beside me
On the bus, at school, on my bed
Every night I hold you close  so you can feel the fire
I rub your neck, you look at me with those intense blue eyes and smile
Every night you are in my dreams
But only Every night when I fall asleep.

One of those pictures poems*       
    
 Need.                                                  
  Don't I come ­                                 High Memories.  Breathe                          I've
                ­                            A                                    ­    Those                        To                              ­    Far
                                      Feel               ­                       All                       Harder                             How
                                 Me                          Remember                     Gets                                    See
  Makes I It I
Take Take Take Take
               I I I I
     Step  Step  StepStep
Every  Every  Every  Every

If you were a tumor I would never remove you
If you were toxic gas I would breathe you in deeply
If you were a virus I would never take medicine
I would suffer greatly as long as I suffered with you

When your name popped with that little ding
my heart fluttered and I went dizzy
My hands shaked with anticpation
For the love that I had was Growin

With the ping that message gives
I look at the tab and see the name
The name I have loved for the longest time
But I know it is someone else
and that gives me a smile

I am done with the other name
That name will not be meaning for the other
But for the one I am talkng to now

so I open the facebook message
happy that I have forgotten
The other one should have known

Now this one we will see where it goes
But hopefully I dont go back to the other
and wish that its his name that I see
We will have to wait and see

I remember when you sat next to me
you and your curly Blonde hair
and those blue eyes cut me so deep
I remember so vividly

Man. your rough looking hands were so appealing
I just wanted to grasp them as they went towards my own
But instead of your hand fitting like a puzzle piece, you took my Walkman

"What are you listeing to?" you asked
"Marry you by Bruno Mars" I said. you took an ear piece and began to listen
you began to sing and I was melting
you turned to me and sang that song for me but you weren't serious
But still i melted

This memory and so many are fading
Like when we held hands as a joke
and you pulled back saying " I Never held another guys hand."


How cute you were.

or how bout when the times you sat next to me on the ride home and you would just stare at me when i wasnt looking yes I noticed
Man, I wanted to lean on you

those memories are fading, maybe
For I might fall for antoher
we are just talking but who knows
I can't have you because you are not gay, or bi thats what you say

I love you enough to just believe it
Anthony, man just saying your name is like a drug,  I love you
But you and these memories might be fading, maybe

I might have found another Guy
one who might like me and I might like in return
If you do like me but dont want to admit it then
Please hurry
But if you are really are straight then its good
that you might be Fading, maybe

You see this whole, lively, I ain't got problems over here smile.
You do? Then x-ray it.
Let the radiation radiate what's underneath skin, fat, and blood.
You'll see that inside, my muscles are actually being pulled down to a frown.
A frown so broken and crooked,
A twisted piece of my soul,
It's an exact replica of my damaged heart.

And then I begin to fall
I tried to grab a hold of the ninth cloud but the vapors of water slipped through my hand.
And then I was falling
I was suspended in the air and for a moment everything was calm as I held on to the tiny cloud that was left.
But then again I fell
I hit the earth.

F
A
      L

L
  I
N
G

F
      O
                   R

Y
O
    U


This is something I thought I would never have done
I am not going to catch myself
Only fall until I land into your arms

S
        L
O

     W
L
    L
Y


F
      A  
                L
     L
I
  N  G

I can stare at you and feel the world slip away
It's just pulled from under my feet
and I fall not hard like the other times
but like a leaf being cradled by the wind.

And then everything became clear with one exception
My eyes were still closed for the fear was great, the fear that I may lose everything.

And then the spark trickles, tickles, travels  down our veins
and into our hearts.
It ignites words into fiery arrows
puncturing the sagging silence
into something we call art.

It's the sad truth of oppression
We face in our daily lives.
In amplified aggression
when we let our words fly.

Fiery Poets
are here to burn a holes in the world's illusion of reality.

Fiery Poets
Let your words engulf the world in flames.

Flames scorch my heart.
I hear the crackles and smell the smoke
Remember when you told me that I was the only one?
Ever think of what I would do?

Forgive? There is no forgiveness to give.
I can’t believe you let me believe in truth that was a burning lie.
Remember when you held my hand, when you confessed your love for me?
Ever think of what I would say?

Feel the intensity? I do
I can feel myself being consumed by what blazes inside
Remember when I told you that I loved you and wanted only you?
Ever wondered how fast love burns out?

Fireworks in the sky
BOOM CRACK
They illuminate the darkness with vibrant colors
But there is something missing

Oh yeah it you beside me so we can watch them together

BOOM
Where are you
CRACK
Should I look for you amongst the stars

Where are you
BOOM

I look but can't seem to find you
CRACK
The sky is illuminated with vibrant colors
There are fireworks in the sky
And I watch them by myself
Watch them all alone

Finally
Ignoring
Something
Happened for me to forget.

My coin
with it's many faces
flips in the air.
It switches sides
          too many times
And I cannot bare
It in the air
When will it land
On heads or on tails?

I ate a drumstick
      And thought of your love
            Thick, juicy, and the cause of high cholesterol.

Then, I ate a cupcake
    And thought of your best-friend
              Sweet, Soft, and good when I take a bite.

Feed me with things that are edible
Only things that are edible.
Only things that I like.
Don't ever feed me things that will cause indigestion.

I have never been more afraid of the dark than now.
All the emptyness that occupied what should have been light
made me realize that I myself am empty and filled with foolishness, filled to the brim with nothing but foolishness.

Our strides like deep breaths before confessing love are beautiful.

The leaves shake and speak with a foreign tongue.
The leaves shake in the way the shadows dance
and I am in a forest sea.

Forgive me.
The burden you cradle in your arms which are stretched out in front of you.
The blur in the picture you frame on the wall hopefully overlooked.
Forgive me.

With the tears barely dry
with the pain barely gone
you say
Forgive me.

With my words all tangled.
With my mind still turning
You say
Forgive me.

But I can't forgive you
Not after this.

Forgiveness comes easily
Something you breathe everyday
Something that needs to be there just in case you need it.

You get angry when something is done
but then you let the anger disappear like your half awake dreams
And the forgiveness comes to the rescue.
Love is a complicated thing

Watch for my name
it will crawl from the depths of your hippocampus
Each letter will scatter all around
then disappear
Never to be thought of again.

Forgotten Memories are just that, forgotten.
Until some force makes you see.
They replay from within showing your soul things of the past.
Things that bring it to radiate as the sun would on a hot day
And
Things that put it to shame like a dog who disobeyed his master as he tucked his tail between his legs.
Things that lets giggles and laughter fill the room
And
Things that make it cry in pain  as memories pierce and stab.
Forgotten Memories are just that
Until they come back and you remember.

Oh that night was great
With dresses, some pink, some white, and some abnormal
With suits all blue, pink, and red
But one stood out
A suit that was white as snow
A suit with a red tie and Handkerchief
That suit has caught my eye

For two days tears were shed
For things that could have been
For things that were in my head.
For two days I felt the emptiness
As it slipped away, my happiness
Always feeling loneliness

For two days water stained in red
Fell onto the floor and onto the bed
Not in my body like it should instead
For two days I was blanketed by sadness
As I grew weary from the madness
That caused a bit of bitterness

For Two days I cried
For Two days I asked why
For Two days things still don't seem like they should
No light in the tunnel nor at the end
For Two days all feels lost.

Life is moving forward
The Earth is moving forward
The water is running forward
I am moving forward
Is anybody moving backwards?

For you my love I give thee a kiss
Not one that only last a mere second
Not one that starts the flame but never fully feeds it
No, I give you a kiss that lasts for the longest time
One that sets the fire and lets it free
Makes the wheels turn
Lets the heat between us grow from an ember to the sun

For you my love I give thee an embrace
Not one that makes me feel a vast emptiness between my cupped arms once you depart
Not one that fills me to have you close but then the cup must empty once you go
No, I give you a hug, one that lasts till our dying breath
Till Hell freezes and heaven burns
Till the stars all at once implode and explode
Till all we have left is us entangled in a web of our love
Till what is left is you and I slowly fading becoming nothing more than a whisper in the dark

A kiss, an embrace, everything for you my love

You had your chance, you blew it
All the time I wasted on you
All the ******* you put me through
All the things you'd say, they were never true.
I gave you life
I gave my all
You weren't there
You let me fall
so watch me strike a match
You're just another picture to burn

You’re the first man to move me,
but
Today I feel the mood
Oh, I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap.

Freezing night
Morning heavily damaged
Freezing damage
Freezing
Freezing damage
Don't yet know the full damage to this freezing morning.

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Each bite filled the hole with Sugar and Calories
Kept me full with chocolate chips
But not a single cookies could help his heart.

The night was hazed with strobe lights
    Blinding faces of those 'round.
Bowling ***** were roaring their way
     Proclaim war against the pins
Drinks were downed with unquenchable thirst
       One after another
The music seeped through the floors, walls, and chairs
      Causing them to try and shake it out
        Only to be dancing with the rest
And then I became a blurred face
       A captain of war
          A consumer of happiness
              A soul moved by vibrations in the air.
                            On a Friday.

FUN
Right there for me
I love them all
Every single One of them
Never will forget or try not to at least
Don't deserve them but glad I have them
Sure they might be weird and a bit out there but so am I

We use to be Friends with Benefits
We use to go to the bathroom
With one waiting five minutes before going of course
For three minutes of Pleasure

We use to not talk at all only when needed
To set up meetings
I felt like we were spies in a movie
and with every meet we trade secrets
Down each others throats

With every touch thoughts ran through my mind
What if we got caught ?
For this is no ordinary Friends with Benefits
it was one that would be considered Forbidden

Two guys enjoying each others company
In the bathroom
Two guys moving and thrashing about like beasts
to satisfy their thirst    

It lasted for weeks, months, and years
Friends with Benefits
Savoring each time they came together
Each time their hunger for lust was fed

But we are no longer Friends with benefits
I no longer require lust to quiet my growling stomach
I don't need you to take my every inch
To make me move about in ecstasy

No I terminated your services
For I want to save myself for that one person I will love.
I know it seems dumb
since I have already gave myself up for three minutes of pleasure  
Time and time again.
And even though you want more
We can no longer be Friends with Benefits

Take your love back.
Shove it in your heart
before I rip it to shreds,
Scatter the pieces over your head,
Stab it with a dagger so it lies there dead
Cause I rather feel nothing
Then feel this hurt,
Hear the hollowness in my heart instead.

*******

I saw him with new eyes.
Gay eyes.
(Though, these eyes have always been gay eyes.)
I noticed his long nose,
a slide for the sweat that took the ride down
landing where his foot had once been.

I noticed his hair, a wildness of blond,
Going this way
That way
No way.
His eyes of the sea darted this way
That way
No way.
I shivered as the sea breeze touched me
whenever he looked my way.

I noticed his smile.
A smile that pulled at my ****** muscles so I could grin.
Yes, I saw him.
With new eyes
old eyes
Gay eyes

If you love all your children
then why are we suffering from our brothers and sisters?

Going about my days with nothing more than my heart that beats involuntary to keep my alive.

Honestly I just don't know why I keep going when everything seems so dead.

Only my heart that beats involuntary keeps me going. It beats with an unwanted force.

Stop Heart just stop. I don't want to feel my blood course through my veins reminding me that I am still
     alive and can still feel pain. I don't want to be blanketed and be kept warmed by the damp loneliness  
That surrounds me.

Guarded I am now for there is an empty presence surrounding me
      It whispers in my ear. Grabs the memories and scatters them all around.
Hours it wasn't before this presence manifested before me.
       It walks towards me with a smile, with open arms, with a nudge
Only to dissipate, leaving a sadness to cover me as it's residue
        Leaving me to head to the restroom
           To get in a stall
                   To close my eyes and cry
Sometimes when the ones we love leave,  a part of them stays to remind us
           To torture us
                To love us
To make their memory survive but do they know how much it hurts to know that
        the  Presence will always remain but never the real person?

A song never sung
never written
for fear of being rejected.

A play never shown
never written
for fear of being rejected.

A love never prusued
never cherished
For fear of being rejected.

A wish never wished
never hoped
for fear of being rejected.

A meeting never met
never considered
for fear of being rejected.

Don't be afraid
do it.
you never know what might happen.

You have to give it a chance

Give me your jewels you've hidden so well,
Contained and buried deeply in your heart.
Unearth and place 'em inside my pail
So I may take 'em and remove the shards.
I will polish 'em, before I tell
If your jewels, your love, is what I have sought.