I wouldn't have gave myself away
to people who didn't deserve it.
I would have waited
and saved it
for someone

i bet even after all this time
that if my chest were to
ache with emptiness enough
like it used to i could go to your house
and find the outline of our bodies
on your dark blue bed sheets
i have spent the last year
both trying to run from you
and find you at the same time
but i left everything i knew
about falling in love
on that mattress and
it's still settling there
like dust and
all i can do is write about you
until it comes back to me,
or by some kind of miracle,
you decide to.

I often find myself
stuck in the what ifs and the should'ves
because for the longest time
those moments were better than reality
I would miss the days where you and I
would spend hours with each other
doing God knows what
and I didn't care if those moments
were no longer mine.

However,
my life was consumed by these old haunts
and I was drowning in hopes of getting them back
and if I hadn't spoken to you one last time
or wrote that first poem about you
after years of silence
maybe I could've grown out of this phase.
I no longer can live in the past
because there's a reason it left me a long time ago.