dedicated to the one that got away

hey there butterfly, five months ago you were still in college. you were nervous because it was your final semester and you were stressed out because of the workload. you met someone, butterfly. god, he was so pretty and magnificent.. saccharine as honey he was, extremely understanding and just so easy to converse with. so you indulged in him more and spent time with him. spent nights together after long evenings of work, embracing one another’s company in various ways. there was a spark that neither of you could deny and so the genesis of your relationship began. you belonged; with him, the comfort of him, and just in the space of happiness provided to you. you belonged there. you deserved it.

hey there butterfly, he introduced you to his friends and called you his. could you feel it? your heart beating when the word mine came out of his lips.. the smile not once leaving your face for the rest of the night as you all hung out. you competed in several tournaments, and each tournament he was rooting for you every time. he was extremely proud of you in anything you worked hard for and never once forgot to let you know. you deserved this, a man by your side that could appreciate you in many aspects.

hey there butterfly, you did it! you graduated. you graduated and he was able to see you walk across the stage. could you feel it? the warm feeling in your chest knowing that he watched you accomplish something so life changing? that support was something you’ll never forget, isn’t that right? having someone so amazing by your side willing to be here for you through anything has made you glow, butterfly. you’re beautiful and you deserved this.

hey there butterfly, are your wings broken? that was quite a fall you took there. could you feel it? the rope not budging as you pulled and pulled to give him the support you knew he deserved? you comforted him during his hard times and you gave it your all.. but in the end it wasn’t enough and you can’t make someone stay if they have no desire to do so. i know he’s gone now and something in you hopes he comes home but you know it’ll be okay eventually though, right? no matter the obstacle whether big or small, you must never falter. if it’s meant to be then it will be. you are beautiful and you are so strong.. you deserve the universe. you’ve been taking care of everyone but now it’s time to take care of yourself. you’ve gotten yourself hurt again, butterfly. you will be okay one day. it hurts now but know that there is nothing you can’t handle. you are so special, butterfly.. you don’t deserve any of this pain but it will get better. i love you, butterfly..

she waited for him at the station.

heart full of hope, thoughts full of love and their plans of escaping together. she waited and waited, but not as long as she awaited his loyalty for their promised future.

he waited for the train.

smile on his face; dreaming of her brown pools that pulled him in a trance, stars dancing and twirling within them as did he whenever he got lost in those doe eyes.

the train raced along the tracks, a cool breeze fanning his face as it cruised through until it slowed and finally stopped.

he boarded the train, holding onto the pole and staring at each passing object as the train begins to speed off. the ride just begun, but he had no idea what was in store for him.

the first stop arrived faster than usual, and in it he saw them—in the puppy love stage, where things were rushed but neither he nor her paid attention to it. where in their eyes, neither could do any wrong.

deception in disguise, love in their eyes—but still a bit unwise, to see their soon to be demise.

the second stop comes and this time the train stops abruptly, rather than slowing inch by inch before completely stopping. again, he saw them—but he recognized this stage because it was a scene he was quite familiar with. times are rough and their love is tough, and he wasn’t strong enough to see it through. in her eyes, all that was seen was him. in his eyes was spotted the reflection of another woman.

deception in disguise, his eyes dressed in lies—all she could do is cry, “i don’t want this love to die.”

anxious and filled with guilt, he began to tap his foot in an attempt to calm himself down.

the third stop never had an opportunity to display, for he walked off before he could see what state they were in. he chose this stop, and in it was a world without her. he couldn’t possibly stop his womanizing ways. silly girl, what made her think he would?

his intentions were never to stay with her, in fact this station was close to the next girl’s house.

she waited for him at the station.

unsure if she was waiting for him or his loyalty—in the end, it didn’t matter.

he never came.

it is clear how she may echo petulance and malevolence; some do not dare even speak her name. her disposition is coy--almost skittish of those neighboring her. she has made her scar amongst those who have known her over the caducity, confirming a sphinx-like address. those around her relinquish her delicacy, overlooking the placid ancillary that fireworks from the spark of dereliction. concealed within is her saccharine and moonstruck revamped dynamism, a side of her eclipsed by timidity. a side of her remained blemished, terror-stricken, and polluted. a side of her that once was begrudged, is now veiling itself in the deepest ridges of her vitality. on occasion, the nectarous oblique of who she is, exposed. like a deer fresh from the womb, the chaste fragment stumbles into the spotlight--with bambi eyes and tremulous hands; this side of the cocoa skinned girl does not correlate with the scurrilous side that is seen most often. aghast, she falters one foot into her serendipity. almost customarily, the once biddable damsel with only good intentions is propelled into alternative cosmos. what was at once an effrontery and undaunted venomous flower, is now a teetering cherub. although, this side of her adumbrates. the affliction caused on one single fleshly made anthropoid countermands any dose of gallantry she may have had to avow this susceptible and thin-skinned region of whom she is. the propensity is hidden in the hot chocolate that is her eyes--she was always told her eyes are her worst enemy, because they can never seem to distort the truth, despite what her mouth may declare. in her utopia fabricated by her lack of marbles, she is impervious, free from harm, and intact. but she mustn't stay for the blue moon, for she will fall aphrodisiac for the azure she is indulged in. spiraling to the shoal of reality, she is face to face with annihilation of who she once was. a dove-like figure fighting against vexation of soreness. a soul so bleary and bruised, it no longer even fisticuffs in the onslaught. the virtuous side hands over the aptitude, only for the already puissant side to strangle who she is until the altruism fades from her face; leaving her indigo and ruptured. the iniquitous character inside of her vouching championship, snatching the halo from her own head and turning it into a choker. the stainless sidelong is hidden once again, under the arctic snow that was created by her cold heart. buried deep under the flakes of depression and abandonment issues, she lay there freezing and awaiting to be accessible. until then, the bruised up diminutive hides under rage and impatience. waiting, waiting, until someone divides the code that keeps her concealed. time is ticking, salvage her before is cold through and through.

here begins the inconsequential tale of the often dazed and disordered galaxy that is myself, a being complied of a disarray of many perplexities that seem to structure this petite framework of a human body, attained with a memory of pablo neruda balladries and an affinity for the convoluted, intricate aspects of life. many of these compositions are latent, obscure pieces that i have chosen to keep undisclosed, however i firmly believe that sharing my expressions and assessments of what i have envisioned through my eyes could be deemed cathartic. consequently, enjoy these chaotic chapters of very extensive yet overtly down-hearted paragraphs and ostensibly compressed sentimental writings; they were all short-lived, yet felt like an eternity when scribbled senselessly into a diary by a hard-headed omission.

like tear drops rolling over plump, curved cheeks; splattered in pink-- the flushed flesh makes the rest of my skin look milkier than usual.  
        please, do not make me wait any longer.  
i abandoned my wonderland for you, discarding my fairy tale and safe haven. i've come down from the comfort of clouds and angel breath to be here—to be with you.  
           where have you gone?  
i don't belong on earth. all things heavenly belong above, wouldn't you agree? i am far too tangible to exist here amongst monstrosity. my existence on this earth is equivalent to a glass figurine meeting pavement; shattering.  
          unfixable.  
oh, how i miss my wings. the entitlement stripped from me each time i reached out for you.. and come to think of it— you were never reaching back.  

bloodshot eyes and a quivering chin.              “this is not how i left you."  
the ruler of the skies informs me, regarding my ethereal body being distraught.  

     "you were placed here strong—the earth rippled below your feet. fragility was a part of your whole being, of course, but how could you allow it to overcome you? for you are more than just fragile, you are repairable. never broken, only bent."
    so you say.  

-- ( and the rest is rust & stardust. ) ➶

i remember of the artless days before i had met you and how whenever i went, i'd see a horizon star sewn;
how i could delve into utopian reveries and feel indulged, and how every kiss was a profound violet in bloom. (and how i was repulsed by boys who smoked--despise you for that)
then you came around. it was like every motion and resonance around me flatlined, all flesh faltered into corpses,
but in that virus abraded imagery, there was you:
a flaming grandeur of all that appeals.
you could have titled yourself a heavenly entity between a solely-all greyscale and i would have still believed--
i'd see your face in enthralling outlines before i went to sleep and whenever i spoke, your name gritted the back of my teeth, my bloodstream was fluxes with you written all over it.
went retrograde about it three times and it never passed. you named it cupid's love but i knew better. first blossom of spring and the archers drew their bows, i never saw you again.
i refused to go through the reversal phase; clung to the image of your lips, eyes, the color-enhancing visages that altered my retina, and decided that you were a better victimless ****** than any hit of codeine.
i never did go back.
i see stars but do not see chronology behind them, sleep but never rest, laugh but never with rapture, and anything even barely emphemeral feels like a century.
i'll always pray for heaven to let me back in: whether into culprits' hands or not.