i want you to remember me as this:
beneath starry sky
still in the clouded moon
chasing city lights
against the november breeze
where your fingers twisting my hair
your lips crushing mine into wine
gasping how mine was the first you tasted
that night—
oh, that night
i never felt so young
despite feeling empty
and we held our gaze
as i whispered
we will never be here again
we will never be here again
we will never be here again
and you agreed—
til this day
i wish you lied
but you didn't
and now we stare
at each other's eyes
with withheld tongues
full of hushed secrets
as if that night never happened
as if you never once
made me feel special

as 2018 came to a near conclusion
i thought it couldn't break my heart
more than it already does

boy, i was dead wrong

one word to describe you (that i hope i wont ever feel but here we are): regret

where do i put all
the anger
the sadness
the frustration
all those *******
if they're about you
and yet
i cant talk to you...
not anymore

hey, do you remember that night on the first week of december? it was chilly, it was late, and i desperately need to go home. as we walk on the peaceful streets, stars above us, against the city lights... you held my hand. you reassured me repeatedly, "don't be scared, i'm here." weirdly enough, i feel safe. like everything was into place. the rest of the world don't matter. your hand intertwined with mine is enough.

i wish you could still reassure me now, like you did before. that i don't have to worry about anything, i am safe because you were with me. i wish the clock would still tick on us again. i would relieve those moments over and over and over and over and now i'm alone.

your nothing but a memory that will soon fade within me. it will mean nothing as time will pass. i'm truly dettached that way. so let me write what i feel on these pages. hoping they will last long that what i hope to forget.

I dreamt it was the end of the world.
the purple orange sky was falling
crushing everything I came to know
and we kept dying
over and over
until we did things right

its been exactly one month since we parted ways.
i was doing perfectly fine,
but today everything started rushing back to me.
an explosion of feelings. wave after wave,
drowning my thoughts and my heart.
it starts to ache all over again.
i realized... i miss you.
that's what you call this.
it is not anger or sadness,
nor it is the underlying wonder of constant what-ifs.
it is just the plain longing of your warmth and you.
just plain you.
i remember us, lying in your bed.
i pouted because you didn't tell me you love me today.
and you laughed and whispered it to me.
i started to get goosebumps all over,
you know im just sensitive that way.
you laughed again,
held me tight so i could not escape from your grasp.
pinned me down and whispered "i love yous" repeatedly.
i was squealing, laughing, trying to get away from you.
my goosebumps wouldn't stop.
i would give anything to be back to that memory again.
i wanted to remember it forever,
it was so precious to me after all.
i know we made mistakes, through and through.
you probably did not forget them, but i already did.
right now it did not matter, i just want you back to me.
and that's stupid and crazy, utterly impossible.
selfish and cruel to you.
selfish and cruel to me.
last time you told me you miss me.
but that is all there is.
it stops there. there's nothing we can do.
i dont regret anything.
you are special to me, and i hope i would not forget.
that this man once was mine, and once was my everything.
goodbye.