Yesterday he said that we couldn't kiss or make love (and yeah, that's what I'm calling it). He said he wants to work on things with his girlfriend.
I don't think he remembers how five months ago he was miserable in this same relationship. And we kissed and I gave up and I stopped talking to him. And I stayed with my lover and he with his.
But my lover is no more and I want to be his. And he doesn't know if he's happy but he doesn't leave and I can't do anything except watch my heart break and hold out hope.
So I lay here, crying and waiting for somebody who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I don't know if thy exist but I have to try.
I can't play these games with him. I can't let him hold my heart if he's not sure what to do with it.
I want to be enough to take a risk for but I'm just me.  
I wonder if he's making love to her tonight.
I wish it were me.

Darling,
You deserve more
Than what this world
Could ever give to you
And trust me,
If I could take your pain
And suffering
And make it my own
I'd do it in a heartbeat
Because you are more beautiful
Than Michelangelo's David,
And you turned this pessimist
Into a believer in humanity
And you've turned this atheist
Into a believer of angels
Because what else could you be?
And you make me wish there was More
Because I want more for you
Because every time my ears against
Your chest
It reminds me
That when it comes down to it,
You're just human
And no human can escape oblivion
But you deserve so much better
Because it's amazing
That there are 7 billion people
But when we're together,
I only see you
And I hope you only see me

(sometimes what you think is real
is only just in your head)

maybe this is a dream
but why would I ever want this?

(sometimes I wish I could stop the thoughts tumbling through and through in my head
because this fear and uncertainty
got a hold of me again)

I can see a path paved for me, I think,
but I don't like how lonely it looks from here

I hope I'm just too far away to see...

In literature I go
Still I search for you
Firm grasp of the pen
Still I search for you
To the canvas & brush
Still I search for you
Until my passion is met
I will always search for you

I like to think I know you
As I know my cobbled streets
Or my fingertips
But perhaps maybe I don't
I don't know what your favourite colour is
Or what songs you sing in the shower
I don't know what brought
You out of that raging storm
But I do know how you look
When basked in sunlight
And I know how you smile
When you've nothing to say
I know that you break sometimes
I know that you fix yourself too
I may not know all of you
Every crevice and nook,
But I do know you
And I know that I love you
And I know that for you,
That is enough.

And I'll cut my wrists
Straight down to the bone
And carve flowers
Into the body
You've wilted.

I don't date
anymore.
But with you I wouldn't
mind
being stupid and letting go.
I mean
I kind of
already
am

I overromantice everything.
The way you held me tight.
You are always running your hands through my hair.
There is so much tension between our goodbye and our kiss and our goodbye again.
You said you love my smile. That you like me "a lot more than I should". That I'm totes adorbs.
And you are frustrating and terrifying and intoxicating and I want to drink you in like a mug of coffee.
And when we talk or we cuddle or we just sit. It doesn't feel wrong.
And I deserve this. I want this. **** her and rules and everyone.
Because I've been giving away parts of key body for so long that I forgot what it feels like to share my heart.
And it feels like hope and summer and bad decisions and confusion and snapchats and ****** Mac n cheese and weird music and new beginnings.
And I'll hide with you. Let's hide from the world. We can't share this newly blossoming romance and maybe its better that way.
This is honest. And raw. And poetic. And full of lust and terror and emotion.
I want to kiss you until our breathes are taken away. I want to hold you until you forget. I want to get coffee and get drunk and get high with you. I want to feel.
Thank you for helping me feel.