Saturday's pleasant
Glow lightened the harsh shadow
Of Friday's mistakes.

The current existence
Excited the reckoning
With blissful swarms of
Bleak kisses on
Troubled judgement.

I don't believe you when you
Tell me that it's better for
You to let go and walk away.

All I hear from you is
Leave me be and I can't stay
And you should run the other way.

But what your eyes say is you
Want me to be by your side
Forever and to stay right here.

Your body says to
Press on up against you and to
Never ever let you go.

Once you said you'd never leave me
But now I'm not so sure
Because every time that I can see you
You walk right out my door.

I don't believe you when you're
Haunting me and telling me
To let you in or let you go.

All I hear is that you're
Begging me to set you free
Cause you know this time it's meant to be.
Why just let go of me?

The contemptuous lie
Faded to solemnity
In order to solidify the
Contrast between an
Erased reality.

The caressing wind
Brushed against the
Careful gaze of lilies
Across the folds of the
Honest chaos.

When you are so low
You aren't afraid of pain-
It is just what is normal to you.
People walk all over you,
But it is commonplace for you to be on the ground.
You become a doormat,
But it's okay.
If you were a vase on a shelf,
You'd be on display, but unstable.
If you fell, you'd break and
Shatter into pieces.
It is better to live realistically
Than to live in a fantasy with a tragic ending.

The cringing sigh
Conjured the moon
To sanction light
Into the depths of the
Fragile stillness.

I think
There is just a
Huge part of me
That needs you
To just
Hold my face in your hands,
Look me in the eyes,
And tell me that it's
All going to be okay.
Is it going
To be okay?

Imagine a natural disaster
A mass collection of terrible things.
Think wind and rain and clouds that start to stir,
A noise so loud that it makes your ears ring.

Tormenting a whole town 'til it is done,
Just raging devastation all around.
Why do you terrorize us just for fun?
Is this where all your attention is found?

But after it is through we all come out
And realize exactly what happened.
This disaster brought out all of our doubt
It was not there we all just imagined.

Oh, dream that reached us all- thank you so much.
You got us out of our own evil clutch.

Forcing a smile, but
All you can manage is your
Cheap, laughable smirk.

You're a dime--
But not in the way that you think.

You're the dime that he
Leaves on the table because he
Doesn't feel the need
To pick you up when given spare change.

You're the dime that he
Puts in a machine with no hesitation
Because he just had a craving
And you're helping him to get his fix.

You're the dime that he
Digs in his pockets for so that
He can call home but he
Doesn't find you because you aren't there.

You're the dime that he
Lost because he
Never paid
Attention to you until he couldn't find you.

You're the dime that someone else
Found and picked up
Off the street and
Actually wants and appreciates.

You are a dime.

I used to hate goodbyes,
So every time we parted
We said,
"See you tomorrow"
"See you later"
"See you whenever"
Because it left the hope
Of seeing each other again.
I've started saying my goodbyes now
And I think it's because
When you left me
I really felt what goodbye was
Supposed to feel like.
I didn't like it.
I still don't.
But now that I know
What never seeing you again
Feels like,
It is a lot easier to say
Goodbye to everyone else.

I thought you would make
Me beautiful, but you just
Thrived on my slow death.

I really hope the
Unseemly image of me
Burns right through your soul.

It was my favorite song.
You would sing it to me all the time.
We would dance to it.
We were in love and
Our life together was
La vie en rose.

Now I am sitting in a coffee shop.
It just came on at
Exactly 9:30
And I feel like my brain
Will explode and
Scatter on the walls.
I want to rip my hair out
To distract from this music.

Why did you ruin all of my favorite things?
Why can't I enjoy things anymore?
Why did you ruin me?

Just because you think you are living happily ever after,
Opposition can take place
Even when you least expect it.

When you want revenge
But you choose not to exact it,
You take it out on yourself
Because you shouldn't have let
Bad things happen in the first place.

The itch
Was meant to be taken care of.
I scratch until I bleed,
But he ****** my blood out already.

Quick shudders surround-
Porcelain shadows on skin-
A shattered silence.

I walk under a dark cloud,
Rain seems to fall from my eyes
And the sky constantly.
It wasn't my choice to live
In such bleak conditions-
My mission? To be free.
I've never felt secure before
Always uneasy and never safe,
A slave to my own memory.

But one day, the sky cleared
My mind took a veer towards happiness.
The rain decided to stop
And something mopped it all up.
For some of the few
There is no other view than sunshine.
And since I met you,
I know what to do- I must remain in the
Sun, and my sun is with you.

You came to borrow
But only stole
The things of sorrow
And made them gold.

Time is so fleeting
But never ends
So for our next meeting
Let us be friends.

You claimed to love
And give affection
But from above,
I see perfection.

It never is
Just as it seems
And you always
See my bursting seams.

You make me strong
And feel at ease
I know it's not wrong,
So just love me please.

All of the flowers
Need some amount of sunlight
In order to grow.

I cannot fathom
The fact that you are not lost-
A fathom away.

Passion is such a hard thing to control
When I have none myself.
People wish to prove their integrity
But I want none of it.
To me, words are the only things that speak-
Not actions.
Actions have never mattered to me.
You don't have to prove your passion
Because I already believe your words.

I never knew of
A person who would threaten
Me behind tulips.

Everyone is
Far too vulnerable when
Gazing at your smile.

Today is Monday
But I would rather it be
A new day with you.

You are the only one who can make me happy,
Yet you are the only one close enough to cause me pain.

The monster between you and me
Is beautiful
(And lovely)
There is already a long distance
Between us.
Why must you insist on leaving?

I have a wish:
I wish to be with you,
And lie under the stars with you.
Gazing at the constellations
To interpret what we see in them.

I seem to be opposite most people.
I see the past in the sun,
In the light.
I see the future in the stars,
In the dark.

For me,
It is easier to make it through the night
Than through the day.

It was one of the best years
Of my short 17 year life.
I managed to drown
In the lake that was your eyes.
I managed to tumble
Down a hill into your arms.
I managed to fall
In love,
But for me it was an easy feat.
I wanted to fall in love,
And I wanted it to be with you,
But maybe love isn't so easy to come by.
Maybe I was
Drowning,
Tumbling,
And falling
Into another reality.
One where we were both happy
100% of the time.
Not just happy 30%
And angry or upset 70% of the time.
Is that love?

I will never be someone's first option.
I get that,
Or at least I am trying to.
But for once I actually thought
That I might not get used.
Maybe that's all I'm good for.
And maybe I'm taking this all too far-
And too personally.

The emptiness,
It filled the void.

The silence,
It filled my mind.

I feel that nothingness
Can be something too.

It is a catalyst to
Creation.

A development in the mind
That extracts the most inner inkling
And transforms it into your grandest idea.

Maybe silence seems like a handicap to you,
But to me it is a

Six thousand five ***-
dred and twenty nine days I
Have lived on this sphere.

I would stop all my
Lying, but it is my sole
Attempt to forget.

Sometimes, I mistake hate for love.
Both feelings are so strong
And can grow and shrink the same.
That's why I thought I still loved you.
I'd loved you for years,
And I thought that any feelings I had
Would be love for you.
I was confused because I'd only ever loved you
So this new feeling I mistook for love.
It grew and shrank.
That's the reason why
I felt nothing when you last kissed me.
I'll come to terms with that someday.
For the past few months,
I thought what I felt was love,
And I thought I would have to forget about it,
But now I know I already did.
I've been living my life
Trying to forget that I love you,
But what I really need to do
Is learn how to live hating you.

I cannot stop my
Fantasizing about you
Killing me- slowly.

For the past few days
I have felt drunk without a drop of alcohol.
My mind is fuzzy
Which doesn't help my memory problems.
I'm dizzy
Which doesn't help my low blood pressure.
I have a lack of motivation
Which doesn't help my lack of motivation.

For the past few days
When I drink, I don't feel drunk.
My mind gets clear
Which is the complete opposite of when I drink.
I'm still dizzy
Which is completely normal for me.
I have a lack of motivation,
Per usual.

Please just say something.
Don't leave me hanging on by a thread.
I've always hated being tied to other's strings
So give an answer to all I've said.

I've waited so long to hear your words,
But you never give me a reply.
I can't keep up for my mind is blurred.
Even so, I'll never be fine.

I gave you so many chances.
Why won't you just give me one?
Down on my knees is my newest stance
Without closure I'll never be done.

I know you just want things to end
Believe me it's what I want too.
I hope that you'll just be a friend
And teach me how to get over you.

Your love is so much more than a burden.
A pardon.
An excuse to cut me down when you want.

And I'm done trying to piece it all together
For better
Because the worst comes along when I'm with you.

It isn't so easy to just let go
to let the memories, happiness, and love just wash away...
Maybe I don't want to let go
because I love the love and the happiness and the memories
because they were with you

we weren't healthy enough to continue
but when people are sick they don't just give up on life
they get better and keep going
I don't want to let you go
because you make me happy

I know we didn't work well together in a relationship
but we work well in keeping each other afloat
I may have lost you as my other half
but I'm not giving up my best friend

Maybe it's easy to let go
to let the pain, sorrow, and even the love drift away...
But maybe you shouldn't let go
because the love was strong and the memories were fond
because they were ours

we may not have been healthy
but you don't just abandon the sick
didn't you want to see us get better?
I don't want to let you go
You made me happy

I know you think we didn't work well together
but even you know that we kept each other alive
I have lost you as my other half
but I'm not giving up on feeling whole again.

I sit. A pleasant
Chill arouses me into
An old trance-like state.

If you love someone
Do not ever let them go.
They will not come back.

My love, I know not
If death is better as a
Butcher or ballet.

There may be a thorn
In my side, but you have such
Beautiful petals.

You stay on my mind like a compliment.
Something that stays there making you smile
Through all the troubles you might come across in a day.
A comfortable place where you can run to
When you feel most vulnerable.
For me, that place was your arms.
On my most troubling days,
I would immediately feel at peace when I was with you.
Your lips would press to my forehead
And my brain would begin to calm down
As my heart would start to race.
We were so young,
And maybe our youth is what ended us in the first place.
But we attempted to face the odds of lasting forever
Solely because we thought our love could conquer all.
We would drive through neighborhoods and look at houses saying,
"That's the house we will live in.
White panel siding,
Black shutters,
And a red door.
Our three kids would love the backyard.
Don't you think?"
That was our dream.
What you didn't understand is
That you are already home for me.
I don't need a fancy house
Or a big yard
Or even children to make my life seem fulfilled-
I just need you.
And when you got down on your knee,
I knew you were serious.
We may have been young,
And I might have seemed doubtful at times,
But I swear to you I knew
From the instant I said, "I love you too"
That you would have my heart forever.
It was supposed to be me and you.
Happy together.
But we let the movie fade to black too soon and our
Happily Ever After
Was all just a dream.
Those don't always come true, you know.
I know that I've been talking too much,
And I shouldn't be saying these things,
But I want to be the one to make you happy.
I want to be the one who lives life with you
After the screen fades to black.

People keep asking me if I still love you.

Of course I do.
I would yell it from the rooftops.
A first love is one that blossoms before
Your eyes into the most beautiful and innocent
Bouquet of intertwined stems whose necks lead up to petals kissing.
The feeling of butterflies
Swarms you when he kisses you for
The first time, for that feeling just continues to grow
Up and out until it leads to the revealing of a sudden, "I love you"
In my heart
And mind.
Is it my heart making me feel like this?
Or is the swarm flying around all through me that
*Makes me feel as if my mind is no longer only for my soul's desires?

We have never talked
About when you kissed me.

Did you think it was a mistake?
I'm too much of a mess
To take care of.

But still on quiet nights,
After I become clean
And rid myself of tears,
I long for happiness.
I find it in thoughts of you.

Those thoughts don't lead to much
I sometimes try to act on them,
But then the happiness is eclipsed by fear.
And my fear is always crippling.

So instead I turn to what people think of as fear.
Instead I long for dreams of
Clowns chasing me with an ax.

I'm not one to move this fast,
But please just do what you can.
Just kiss away the tears
Please kiss away the pain.

Right now it is pouring rain. A thunderstorm with lightning and all. It made me think of him.

I saw him on Thursday and the skies didn't look so pretty. "If the weather goes bad we can just dance in the rain, or kiss in the rain. Or whatever." I laughed a nervous laugh and we continued walking around downtown.

It was late- around 9 is when we were going to meet, but he had car trouble. I waited for him to get there outside on a bench. I was reading to pass the time. People started making me feel uncomfortable though. Some people slowed down when walking or driving past me; one person even felt the need to shout across the street at me, so when he said he finally made it, I immediately got up and started looking for him.

He were on the other side of the street. I was going to meet him over there, but he laughed at me before I could.

"What are you doing?" he asked. He had to shout so I could hear him from across the street.

"Going to the crosswalk to cross the street," I replied, but he was already running across the street- jaywalking, but he got to me faster so I didn't mind.

We made it back to the frozen yogurt place where I was waiting for him. While getting his yogurt, he and an older man in the store struck up a conversation. The older man asked, "Is this your wife?" and he immediately said, "Oh, no. Just a friend." No other conversation could be as  awkward while perfectly describing our relationship.

After he paid, we started walking around. I confessed to him that I avoid going places because I don't want to see my ex-boyfriend, and he understood. We went down another path to go where I would most likely not run into him.

We were cutting through a parking lot and his motto for me came up again. He always says I think to much- "You need to turn off your brain," he says. I try to listen, but it's much more difficult than I thought it would be.

After a while I started realizing that I was just a spastic, paranoid mess, and he noticed too. I decided that I needed tea to calm myself down so we walked back down to an ice cream shop that also sold tea and coffee.

We originally started out in chairs, but then we moved to one of the couches because it was more comfortable (and maybe we both just wanted an excuse to sit closer to each other). For some reason, my overly active mind seems to cease when he kisses me. Maybe I'm just feeling too much to process it or think of anything else, but my thoughts go silent. I never feel more alert. I may not hear things as well, but I never feel things more intensely.

By this point it was time for him to take me home. I didn't want to go home, but I had to. He started driving and I was just sitting quietly next to him. We had been listening to "Local Natives" the few times we were together, so it was fitting to play it then.

He kept telling me how attractive he finds me, and I know he means well, but after being demeaned by people who say they love you, it is hard to accept compliments or even just the truth. I tried not to be hard headed about it so I would just say thank you.

He wanted to drive the long route home so he would have more time with me. I wasn't going to complain or argue against him because I just wanted to be with him too. He parked at a stop sign so we could talk, and it was so nice to have someone who actually listened to me and didn't push me to do things that I didn't want to do.

We continued driving towards my house, but then he realized something was wrong with his truck, so he pulled over and assessed the situation. He asked me to use a phone as a flashlight, so I grabbed his and brought it out so he could see. Somethings make me want to assess certain situations, but I didn't want to do or say anything to ruin what was going on. I don't even know what was going on. All I know is:  our timing always *****.

The way he hugged me and held me before we got back in the truck made me never want to leave, but it was already past my curfew so I really needed to go. I wouldn't mind getting in trouble for being late because I was with him, but my parents thought I was out with other friends. That would have ended very poorly if they found out.

We got to my house and said our goodbyes. He is already back up in North Carolina now and I don't really know when I will see him again. I'm hoping soon.