Days over nights
cries and no fights
i recalled the first time it happened
tears slid down my puffed face,
unfolding my dented moments
in my mental head.

Confused, this feeling so familiar
why do i cry with no purpose
each tear propelling itself into my hands
already knowing when it'll wet my sweating palms
consistently surprising myself with agony
inflicted out of space and time, dwelling
surly in the darkness until it jumps on me

What's wrong with me?
why do i feel this way
why do i cause people pain by this
further causing more pain on myself
why can't i voice anything out
when the one voice in my head speaks so abruptly
directing all its statements towards me

Can't focus, what's wrong?
can't think, what's wrong?
can't feel happiness
can't feel genuine happiness
can't imagine it can last longer than just a few days
before this pain creeps and lodges onto my back again
tearing me down all over

What's wrong?

I can't:
____________

go to see that moment after moment
and work after work
i am so unhappy with myself.

i keep seeing myself in the mirror as someone else --
someone else i want to be:

happier
prettier
more confident
more capable
more of everything i'm not
____________

take this brain, nor this head,
to stir this mix of pain in my mind again;
why not let my thoughts of ease
to reincarnate my life into a life
____________

have things easier

why can't it be easier

(just pretend it's okay)

why can't i love myself for who i am

(just believe it's okay)

why can't i ever be them

(don't realise it's not okay)

when will i ever be happy
when will i ever be satisfied with my own self being
when will i ever love myself more than others
when will i ever be myself

-- if myself even exists.

iii (dying love)

he loves me,
he loves me not.
loves me again,
but it gets lost.

what sweet love lingers
in the petals that i carry,
falling and wilting
slowly but surely

i wish i could convince him
to love me more —
alas, it is now up to chance
up to the petals that he now plucks

one after another
my heart stings more and more
he loves me, it mends;
he loves me not, it breaks.

all till the last petal remains
so delicately poised on its remaining bridge to love,
hanging on a chance
on a thought
on a moment of hope —

oh so sad,
how nothing cannot save this dying love.

ii  

would you rather
get shot
or feel heartbreak all over again?

I for one, would be shot
but no, not for the reasons you think i imply
not at all

if i were to experience heartbreak
and it’s streaming flames lashing out at me
i would already be experience the equivalence of a shot

i’d have many shots at many clubs
trying to numb what’s on the inside

i’d be clawing at anything sharp
to relieve myself of the psychological pain

i’d have myself leaning —
standing on the edge of nothing
finding my feet slowly shifting forward

i’d have my body found on 4th street avenue
surrounded by the many willow trees and passing men
a hole in my heart leading my limbs sprawling out

so if a hole in my heart has the same result,
as the hole in my head
why not take the shorter route to the destination?

so this question's for you:
would you rather
get shot
or feel heartbreak all over again?

Clatter clutter on the pave, feet on the run
furrowed brows faces grave, life is no fun
home to work work to home, time is so mean
to and fro on the track, heads in a spin.

Red for the pedestrian, green for the car
quicker may save the day, sights are a blur
conspires the digit light, ticks ever slow
holds up adds to fright, the cruel red glow.

Just on the other side, a few blocks more
you are late again, ears hear the roar
had they only known, the hurdles on the way
the daily mad struggle, to save the day's pay.

The road is clear now, on a quick glance
here's the time to move, grab the prized chance
clatter clutter on the pave, feet on the run
blood spreads on the tar, redder in the sun.

Love  be not selfish
Love be not jealous
Love be not envious
Love be not rude
Love be not idle

Love be an emotion
Love be faithful
Love be forgiving
Love be a want
Love be a hope
Love be a need
Love be joy
Love be selfless
Love be true
Love be kind
Love be patient
Love be righteous
Love be respectful
Love be trusting

Love be a home filled with children's laughter.
Love is greeting a stranger with a sincere smile.
Love is treating others with care, taking a small moment in all our activities to consider the next person.

Looking at our world, if love was a species, surely it it would be a protected species.

So
Is love still alive ?
I'm sure yes
God created us in his image
God is love
So
Love was Our species (the human)
Love should be me
Love should be you
Love should be a nation
Love should be our race

What have we become?

i

My heart aches
no, it’s not from heartbreak,
i know what you’re thinking —

it’s from missing heartbreak,
its ends, middle grounds and beginnings
and all the love  — sweet, pure bloomed love —
that came with it

It aches, knowing i don’t feel love
no i really don’t remember
how it feels to fall so deep and cry so hard

for a person
because they start talking to someone else
more than they talk to you

tell me,
would you rather experience heartbreak again?
just to feel the love you yearned so very much at the start?
to know that you have fallen so deep — loved so hard, that you dedicate everything
to only one single person

one single person