i feel sick to my stomach
the things that you said
constantly whirring inside of my head
fragmented memories of that hazy, regretful night
i overflow,
punctured by pervading panic
my sense of reality twisting
when we were at one
beautiful, lost and manic
an involuntary act
dragged headfirst by desire's impulse
you know i didn't plan it
struggling i,
try to cut ties
internally censor
shut down my overthinking mind
i freeze,
block out the words i'm holding back with all my might
afraid to ruin the bond between us
the last thing i want is to fight
a cascade of raw emotion
reduced to this sick sad feeling
inside i feel lonely, worn down, bleeding
my fragile heart fractured into glass, revealing
the futile hope at the blackened core
i'm always naked, bare, grasping for something more

contemplations of an angsty agnostic
otherwise known as the subtitle to my lengthy biopic
or the fumbling intellectual journey
the endless search to find
the divine reality behind,
to trace, pinpoint exactly what lies
at the center of the cosmos
at the crucified heart of all humankind
some days i feel there is no God
no chance of a higher power
i'm resigned to spewing cliched aphorisms as nihilistic as Schopenhauer
fragmented theories and meditations on life
consuming my thoughts and flooding my mind
ideas tessellate and twist as i'm crumbling, stumbling to try and make sense of all this
i find
the existential condition that burdens the shoulders of the wonder filled kids
from the blinkered blues of the beats
to the hopeful hedonism of the hippies
and the time tick ticks
regardless of the passing ecstasy of our dream-filled kicks
i feel there must be something more than this.
absurdity has the tendency to consume the very core of me
ultimately, does that not make me more free?
like Sisyphus, i stagnate
repetitive routines threaten to enchain me
but i believe i know the path i'm on
and i have to know it will save me
we live in times
of overwhelming, reeling uncertainty
is it true that one day the gleaming, spinning light will find me?

floating in an uncertain state of flux
as my mind runs away from my body
disconnected
my eyes glazed over
behind them a kaleidoscope of vibrant, unrecognizable thoughts and patterns and colours and dreams
an invisible force forms between me and others
repelling me
forcing me into my own self indulgent solitude
where i spend a lot of my time
writing formulaic poems
that are finely disguised, wrapped in a facade of intuition and creativity
but are mainly the generic product of drugs and built on typical teenage non-conformity

when i hear that song
i see your arms around his neck
i see you laughing and him smiling back
i remember the jealousy that burned inside
as i wondered why i couldn't make you laugh like that anymore.

when i hear that song
i remember the nights i spent in a frenzy
trying to stop myself from falling apart
as you reassured me everything was fine
when i knew you were spouting words to him
those three words
strictly reserved for lovers
that were once strictly reserved for you and me.

when i hear that song
i remember your voice
telling me 'we're just friends'
and all i heard was still static
and the beat that skipped in my hollow chest
and my bones one by one collapsing

when i hear that song
i think of you
and when i hear that song
i can't help but think of him

systemic failings in your intrinsic make up
your wiring doesn't fit right
all repairs made are merely temporary
weak solder snaps under pressure
and your bones crumble
each tendon slides apart
as your body melts down
into a molten mess

a hum
electric clicks in the wind
softly ticks
pink light peering over the rooftops
the night sky mourning it's lost beauty

i’m feeling capable
im in control
i’m ******* ecstatic
no need for crowd control
i’m on it i’m on it i’m in the ****** zone
build me up build me up to sit on the throne
the throne that i built
a result from years of trying
splintered wood cut
old wounds now healed
i’m on the top of my game
i now know what to do it’s like a sport
i got my friends to save me if i ever fall off
i’m safe on it now
secure and confident
and i’m pretty sure that nothing could ever stop it
from breaking
it’s made of solid gold
the same as the the people who helped me unfold
undress and examine my fears
now discarded just like all of the faded tears
i will help you build your own thrones
and when they break
just call me and i’ll be there
slaving away with all my skin and ****** bones