A boyish smile, a frivolous response, lips grazing my neck
Put on a plaid shirt and I’ll take mine off for you
Never ever never ever never ever ever ever
let your pride win
and we can set to sea in a canoe until you can let me in

I’m a sucker for sad eyes. That’s the compassion.
Pair those with thick-rimmed glasses: I’ll believe anything you say --
And I had a puppy once, so it’s a natural reflex to fill the bowl with water and affection and treats of all sorts.
My heart gives and gives and runs dry and quits
My heart quits and quits and floods with isolation and goes back to giving;
giving
giving
Tell me I'm living --
square one, I’m a hamster
You know, exasperation shouldn’t be as normal
as brushing your teeth
But then again, we’re all supposed to floss everyday and I always seem to forget to,
like Well-Being in general as my heart
gives and gives and dries and quits and gives and quits
and quits and quits
on everyone else that exists

You know,
I don’t want a man that fuels a petty cycle as long as a noose wrapped around my neck
I don’t want a man that shrugs off pain because he’s a man
I don’t want a man that eats his feelings or drugs his feelings or explodes his feelings all over the bed

I’ll desire disregard
and not long enough kisses that cut off like a woman’s water breaking midsentence.
A rocket,
An earthquake
I’ll want a fading away so that I can feel like I want something
& I’m a sucker for freckles and hard rock abs and defined biceps.
& british and french and irish accents.
& most of all, a man that doesn’t need me, or even want to see me
all that often

the space to contemplate
Am I Enough
The waver between
I want to be Enough
I don’t want to be Enough
I want to be Enough
No, I don’t want to be Enough
So I can want
Want
Aspire
Dream
Desire
Live in ifs and buts and maybes, dazed like a complete and utter
cliche

I don’t want a man that gives me a purpose
I don’t want a man that gives me flowers
Okay, I want a man that gives me flowers
and chocolate and good morning kisses and his time

I don’t want a man that snores
But he’s allowed to snore
I don’t want a man that cringes at a menstrual cycle
I don’t want a man that lives halfway across the world or a man next-door that lives in his head 24/7
I don’t want a man that punches his pain through walls
Or mirrors
Or ******* or dickwads or ******* faces

You know,
never ever never ever never ever ever ever
let your pride win
and we can set to sea in a canoe until you can let me in
if you let me in
and I can let you in

I don’t want a man that won’t let me in
I don’t want a man that won’t let love in.

Maybe it wasn't sporadic,
but I saw the outbreak coming nonetheless
and this complication isn't remedied painlessly

Until I finally fell and landed perilously where I'm not even wanted
but feel somehow that the pain belongs to me
and I belong to it

Its mine and I'll keep it; oceans could be deeper.
You can't float lifeboats on land

But when the wind becomes black ink,
and I can't lean against the running trees;
I block my face and chase after them

and while I know I think in metaphors and not similes,

I like to think I lie
and I'm only myself,
darkly and simply realistic

The table seated six
and this place housed laughter

Cards and ****** TV and instantaneous wrestling matches
and all of everyone

But that was Before,
now it's After.

The table seats five
and this place houses separation
and coldness and emptiness and knowing
and warnings and fear

fear infects the wounds
when you don't bandage them with hope

Silence and screaming enclosed in the same envelope
addressed to what was here before

I know what you want from me.
It's actually quite clear.
No need to tell me again.

I look good
I date the right boys
I do well in school
I stay out of trouble
and appear happy.
and you'll be a good father
and you won't feel guilty

The thing is, I don't want that.

Sorry I'm different.
Sorry I'm not like everyone else.
Sorry I'm not you.
Sorry I'm not her.
Sorry I'm not doing what you want.
Sorry I'm not who you want me to be.

But I think I'll be who I want to be.

Don't make me keep it in my black eyes
are they closed?

I've been running so far away
have I moved?

The sun called me and the moon stopped me
am I burning?

Let me talk, let me tell you
will you listen?

They told me about the crack in the sidewalk
did I fall through?

Please, oh Lord, save me from this broken well.
The water is crashing,
And they keep pouring more and more.
The well is getting higher as each different person adds more to the death that was meant to give life.

Save me, because I believe that the well is growing because of the girl I've turned into.
While others think otherwise, I see myself as the monster I have become.
I've become a living hurricane,
Never constant.

It's at this point when I realize I need to be rescued.
Lord Jesus rescue me from this well,
That is drowning me with the sinful ways of this world,
Yet is still empty of beauty.
Save me. I need to be saved.

Here is the song of my soul,
As I long to be loved.

Just once, I want to be held.
Held not as a mother holds her child,
But held as a man holds the girl he truly loves with an undying passion.

Just once I want to hold your hand.
I want your fingers to intertwine with mine into a perfect fit.
I want to raise our perfectly held hands into the storm
And proclaim that we've made it.

Just once I want to look deep into your shining blue eyes,
And that is all.
Without a care in the world, I want us to be alone, just staring into your eyes as you stare into mine.
Maybe if I stared long enough, I'd really understand what the depth of your heart was trying to say.

Just once, I'd like to be pursued.
Only by you, with an undying passion.
I want to know what it's like to be loved unconditionally.
To be treasured, to be a jewel in your sight.

Just once I want to fall in love again with you.
Only you and all of you.
I want to experience the rest of our lives together as we have our childhood.
I want to be held.
I want to hold your hand.
I want to look at your beautiful blues.
I want to be treasured.
I want to be pursued.
I want to be loved.