Maybe it wasn't sporadic,
but I saw the outbreak coming nonetheless
and this complication isn't remedied painlessly

Until I finally fell and landed perilously where I'm not even wanted
but feel somehow that the pain belongs to me
and I belong to it

Its mine and I'll keep it; oceans could be deeper.
You can't float lifeboats on land

But when the wind becomes black ink,
and I can't lean against the running trees;
I block my face and chase after them

and while I know I think in metaphors and not similes,

I like to think I lie
and I'm only myself,
darkly and simply realistic

The table seated six
and this place housed laughter

Cards and ****** TV and instantaneous wrestling matches
and all of everyone

But that was Before,
now it's After.

The table seats five
and this place houses separation
and coldness and emptiness and knowing
and warnings and fear

fear infects the wounds
when you don't bandage them with hope

Silence and screaming enclosed in the same envelope
addressed to what was here before

I know what you want from me.
It's actually quite clear.
No need to tell me again.

I look good
I date the right boys
I do well in school
I stay out of trouble
and appear happy.
and you'll be a good father
and you won't feel guilty

The thing is, I don't want that.

Sorry I'm different.
Sorry I'm not like everyone else.
Sorry I'm not you.
Sorry I'm not her.
Sorry I'm not doing what you want.
Sorry I'm not who you want me to be.

But I think I'll be who I want to be.

Don't make me keep it in my black eyes
are they closed?

I've been running so far away
have I moved?

The sun called me and the moon stopped me
am I burning?

Let me talk, let me tell you
will you listen?

They told me about the crack in the sidewalk
did I fall through?

Please, oh Lord, save me from this broken well.
The water is crashing,
And they keep pouring more and more.
The well is getting higher as each different person adds more to the death that was meant to give life.

Save me, because I believe that the well is growing because of the girl I've turned into.
While others think otherwise, I see myself as the monster I have become.
I've become a living hurricane,
Never constant.

It's at this point when I realize I need to be rescued.
Lord Jesus rescue me from this well,
That is drowning me with the sinful ways of this world,
Yet is still empty of beauty.
Save me. I need to be saved.

Here is the song of my soul,
As I long to be loved.

Just once, I want to be held.
Held not as a mother holds her child,
But held as a man holds the girl he truly loves with an undying passion.

Just once I want to hold your hand.
I want your fingers to intertwine with mine into a perfect fit.
I want to raise our perfectly held hands into the storm
And proclaim that we've made it.

Just once I want to look deep into your shining blue eyes,
And that is all.
Without a care in the world, I want us to be alone, just staring into your eyes as you stare into mine.
Maybe if I stared long enough, I'd really understand what the depth of your heart was trying to say.

Just once, I'd like to be pursued.
Only by you, with an undying passion.
I want to know what it's like to be loved unconditionally.
To be treasured, to be a jewel in your sight.

Just once I want to fall in love again with you.
Only you and all of you.
I want to experience the rest of our lives together as we have our childhood.
I want to be held.
I want to hold your hand.
I want to look at your beautiful blues.
I want to be treasured.
I want to be pursued.
I want to be loved.