Ellie Carr: Favorites

Apr 2014 Ellie Carr

Sara L Russell

(for Elizabeth, 1962-2013)
Sara L. Russell, 16th December 2013, 17:14

Somewhere out of reach
in memory's inner eye
is a windswept sandy beach
with an endless summer sky
and a mischievous light breeze
always messing up my hair
and always calmer seas
in the days when you were there.

Somewhere in childhood days
there was so much to believe
always so much to amaze
it was never time to leave
there was always time to run
to let imagination fly
no harm came to anyone
no-one ever said goodbye

Sometime long ago
when the warmest summers blazed
or when winter brought the snow
we were endlessly amazed
and everything seemed light
as a snowflake on the air
and the whole world seemed all right
in the days when you were there.

May 2013 Ellie Carr

Had I Known

May 2013 Ellie Carr

kenzo

Had I Known

Your pale grass colored eyes flickered towards me in the passenger seat;
cigarette out the window
I stare at my ruby colored lips in the side view mirror
You drum your fingers on the wheel to Blue Bossonova
I remember the dream catcher hanging from the mirror catching my eye;
a majestic golden hue from the sunlight reflecting off of it.

We weren't supposed to be driving the car,
We both knew this, but we were rebels
So I had climbed out my window without my parents knowing
ripping my jeans in the process
just to be with you.

Had I known it would be the last time I'd touch you;
Had I known it would be the last time I'd kiss your lips
I would have stayed in my bed
The Shins blaring through my headphones
Thinking about all the things I'm going to do with you

Had I known it would be the last time seeing you smile
The last time hearing you breathe
Hearing you talk
Touching your skin
I would have obeyed my parents rules for once.

Instead of staring at your pretty green eyes
I stare at the pretty headlights coming our way
I feel the car swerve to the left;
the dream catcher falling
The car spinning like a dradle in the air
It was like everything were in slowmotion
As I look over at you in horror
your pale green eyes flicker away from mine
closing as if to say
"I'm sorry."
The car comes to a hault.
You were motionless as we were upside down
Tears fall down my ****** cheeks
I scream at you to wake up;
but you wouldn't
Then I stopped wasting my breath
I stopped
Like your heart

Had I known it would be the last time I'd touch you;
Had I known it would be the last time I'd kiss your lips
I would have stayed in my bed
The Shins blaring in my headphones
because now I'm fantasying about all the things we could have done

About all the things we could have said
like
"You're paying for the electrical bill this time."
or
"I do."
Now I'm stuck listening to Blue Bossonova
blaring in my headphones
thinking about all the things I'd have to do without you

Had I known

May 2013 Ellie Carr

who am i

May 2013 Ellie Carr

Giovanna

who am i

Sometimes I don't even know if I'm sad,
If I actually want to be happy,
What if I actually want to stay sad,
What if all I'm doing
Is just because
I crave for

Attention.

That'd be really bad,
All the attention I'm already getting,
Is it not enough?
Have I really become that

Selfish?

All the little
Challenges
The people around me
Go through,
Have you really neglected them all?
Is it really because
You're depressed
And so you've
Wallowed up in this
Hole of depression
Cut off yourself from the rest of the world?
Or is this just

Intentional?

I don't even know
If i genuinely feel anymore
Or if all these thoughts
Are words from the devil.

I just hope
The people I love
Are fine,
Or more than ok
Hopefully.

It's just sad
That no one shares their problems anymore,
Worried they'll add on to mine,
When really,
It's doing
The opposite.

But it's my fault again
Isn't it?
For being sad in the first place,
For sharing the problems with you,
For bothering you
Time and time again,
It's all just me.

Me, myself and I.
Is that all that's in your mind?
What have you become?

Selfish ****.

May 2013 Ellie Carr

Walking Down Park

May 2013 Ellie Carr

Nikki Giovanni

Walking Down Park

walking down park
amsterdam
or columbus do you ever stop
to think what it looked like
before it was an avenue
did you ever stop to think
what you walked
before you rode
subways to the stock
exchange (we can’t be on
the stock exchange
we are the stock
exchanged)

did you ever maybe wonder
what grass was like before
they rolled it
into a ball and called
it central park
where syphilitic dogs
and their two-legged tubercular
masters fertilize
the corners and side-walks
ever want to know what would happen
if your life could be fertilized
by a love thought
from a loved one
who loves you

ever look south
on a clear day and not see
time’s squares but see
tall Birch trees with sycamores
touching hands
and see gazelles running playfully
after the lions
ever hear the antelope bark
from the third floor apartment

ever, did you ever, sit down
and wonder about what freedom’s freedom
would bring
it’s so easy to be free
you start by loving yourself
then those who look like you
all else will come
naturally

ever wonder why
so much asphalt was laid
in so little space
probably so we would forget
the Iroquois, Algonquin
and Mohicans who could caress
the earth

ever think what Harlem would be
like if our herbs and roots and elephant ears
grew sending
a cacophony of sound to us
the parrot parroting black is beautiful black is beautiful
owls sending out whooooo’s making love ...
and me and you just sitting in the sun trying
to find a way to get a banana tree from one of the monkeys
koala bears in the trees laughing at our listlessness

ever think its possible
for us to be
happy

Nikki Giovanni, “Walking Down Park” from The Selected Poems of Nikki Giovanni. Copyright © 1996 by Nikki Giovanni.

May 2013 Ellie Carr

The Suffering Lamb of God

May 2013 Ellie Carr

Hilda

The Suffering Lamb of God

Isaiah 52:14 As many were astonied at Thee His visage was marred more than any man, and His form more than the sons of men.

Isaiah 53:2 For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant and as a root out of dry ground; He hath no form nor comeliness and when we shall see Him there is no beauty that we should desire Him.
3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, and we hid as it were our faces from Him; He was despised and we esteemed Him not.
4 Surely He hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem Him stricken, smitten of God and afflicted.
5 But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way and the Lord hath laid on Him the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth; He is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before his shearers is dumb so He opened not His mouth.

May 2013 Ellie Carr

The Aftermath of Paintbrush Strokes

May 2013 Ellie Carr

Plain Jane Glory

The Aftermath of Paintbrush Strokes

I’m a perfect portrait of teenage angst
Black pants and an army jacket
Tired eyes atop a solemn expression
High school backdrop
Roaming the halls alone

I’m a perfect portrait of beat down,
Broken up and disappointed

I’m the mess after The Scream
What’s left after The Kiss
I am dreaming of A Sunday Afternoon
On the Island of La Grande Jette
While tracing my mind over the swirls
Of the Starry Night constellations
Over what it could mean

Inside
I am Salvador Dali

Outside
I’m a perfect portrait of all the things I never wanted to be

I am Mona Lisa’s misery

May 2013 Ellie Carr

Darkness never was my friend

May 2013 Ellie Carr

paige

Darkness never was my friend

Darkness never was my friend

At age five
It was a monster
A monster that
Could eat me alive
If momma forgot
To turn on my night light

At age ten
It was a reminder
A reminder that it
Was time to head home
And get ready for bed
The fun was over

At age sixteen
It was a cloak
A cloak that
Hid me from the reality of my choices
As I took another hit

At age seventeen
It was a reason
A reason to get wasted again
Cause what better to do than drink your sorrows away
In a small town once the sun's gone down

And now,
At age nineteen
It still haunts me:

The monsters sleep under
My bed cause momma doesn't turn
On the night light from 11 towns away

The reminders of all the
Things I should've done today but didnt
Compile themselves in long to-do lists for tomorrow

The cloak lets me hide from the outside
And obsess over all the things
I told myself I didn't care about in the light

And the reasons to get wasted
Are more abundant than ever
Making it more of a necessity
To escape the pressures building up all day

Darkness never was my friend.

May 2013 Ellie Carr

Spa Music

May 2013 Ellie Carr

Sara L Russell

Spa Music

29/3/13

Bring me celestial music of the spheres
Such notes as dance in colours in the mind
The shimmering of distant hemispheres
Where streams of rainbow nebulae unwind

Bright notes cascade in sparkling waterfalls
Light motes resound in echoes through the breeze
From secret gardens hid behind stone walls
Paradise plays enticing symphonies

Our earthly plane is rife with vexing noise
Cacophanies of thundering machines;
Barkings of dogs, vexed babies in full voice
keep us earthbound, locked into dull routines.

Reach for the headphones, cover up your ears,
Take in celestial music of the spheres.