ive never trusted myself
enough to not rely
on anyone else
for my happiness

because of all the
pain
and loneliness
and abandonemt
that has been dropped on me
it makes me think
i am the problem.

ive learned to be alone.
ive learned how to curate
contentment.
ive learned the difference
between doing things for yourself
because you want to
and because you need to.

i dont want to need anyone,
but because of my past
its in my blood
and my mind
that i cannot function alone.

when i do start to need someone
and i attach myself to them,
they always leave me.
they make my trust
and reliability issues
go down the drain
all over again.

i know there will be times
when i need someone again
but im so scared of backtracking.
im so scared to just throw away
all of the progress i have made.

it is times like these when i miss you the most. late at night, sitting alone in my room, with nothing but a candle and my favorite book.

it is times like these two weeks ago when we would be discussing details of our days, or sharing any new artists or movies we had stumbled upon. we have always enjoyed the same kind of things.

that is quite possibly why is has been so hard for me to start to move on. every single thing i enjoy reminds me of you in some twisted, disconnected way. it could be a pair of jeans you once said fit me well, or the smell of freshly cut grass because your favorite color is green.

i often wonder if things remind you of me.
remember when i told you i despise the sound of a pen clicking?
i hope you see my face every time you click one open.
i hope memories fill your head, leaving you a cold and hollow body. i hope you feel as empty as you have caused me to feel.

you are such a poet, too. your way with words is enough to make me melt into your arms. that low growl of a whisper can put me to sleep, yet it simultaneously sends a wave of electricity racing through my veins, making my heart beat a thousand times a minute, and my lungs desperately try to catch an ounce of air.

it is times like these when i wish you hadnt left me clinging to your shadow. times like these, i wish you were here laying with me, hardly talking, listening to our favorite songs.

i recall the night you showed me that song like its a film i have watched every day since birth. i listened to it once, then twice, then for hours upon hours. i bawled my eyes out because it was such a sweet gesture, and nobody is ever sweet to me.

for a while you made me believe in love. you made me believe i wasnt as broken or damaged as i thought i was. but it was only for a little while. on the contrary, i never stopped giving you all the love i had, all the advice i had, all the stories i had, all the everything i had. maybe that is where i went wrong, putting my all into you when you were incapable of even giving me your full attention.

it is times like these when i realize how much i learned from you. i learned what it means to care about someone. what it means to put yourself through hell for someone. but i didnt learn those things by watching you. i learned those things by watching myself. you did teach me many other good things though. and thats what hurts the most.

all good things must come to and end.

i allow myself to wonder how you are,

but i cant bring myself to ask.

there is nothing like
a hot mug of tea
and a silent phone call
with the one you care about
and love most.

the tea flows past your lips,
over your tongue,
down your throat,
supplying endless warmth
throughout your body.

on your phone,
you see a dark screen.
from your speakers,
you hear a dim electrical static
and soft breathing.
you realize she fell asleep.

you let her rest
because she needs it.
she's had a rough day.

she feels so alone
in her hardly lit room,
but so comforted
being with you on the phone.
having you there for her
without physically being there.

it makes you a better person,
i think.
having the power
to support someone
in a time of need,
despite all the trouble
you have been going through yourself.

you push all of your problems aside
to help others.
that is what helps you the most,
being able to make others feel good.
because you don't feel good
until the people around you
do too.

i may be bitter,
but you still taste like candy to me.

my heart is stuck in the hands
of someone not worthy
of holding such a fragile part of me.

it has been broken,
crushed between their fingers,
yet i still let them carry the pieces
because i dont have the strength
to do it on my own anymore.

being alone for so long
is so tiring
that even the filthiest hands
look as though they were designed
to carry diamonds.

the need
the want
the urge
to spread all the love that has been
building up inside me
grows so strong
that it blurs any sense of good judgement
i may have.

i gave all of my love to someone
that my mind knew would
only hurt me in the end,
but my heart still yearned for.

after a while,
they got tired of my love.
they moved onto their next victim
and did all the same things
i fell in love with
to someone that wasnt me.

their collection of hearts
continuously grows
larger
and larger.
eventually,
their hands are full of broken pieces.

i cant tell which are mine anymore.
and i will never
get those pieces of myself back.