include:

drinking
smoking
& self-loathing

nighttime still embraces me
while I wipe the thinking
from my eyes
& it is not what I want
it's not the arms of the one I long for

Nor is it the feeling found in
the pit of my stomach that I
once had lost for so long-
slight naïveté, mostly hopeful
but extremely unfamiliar

if this isn't nausea it must
be unrelenting infatuation

my bones shutter while I walk
and my head is ringing

you were with me last night
more than you know,
the hand that guided bottle to
my mouth I could feel you
there, I drank with you draped about me

but the more I drank, the more
wise I became
it was not you at all
but the propagation
of fears and feelings you induce

I swear your scent was in the air, though

I still drink for you, dear
it's a sweet poison and it brings
me closer to you

this morning is gloomy in
the wake of wanting you more&more

"I'll make you feel loved
and I'll lead you astray"

Or is that just what
you're hoping I'll say?

i have walked these
hallways before
again and again
again & again

my head rings as I recall
the words my father
once told me, things he uttered
under his breath but absolutely
hard-pressed

what's in it for me?
what's really in it for me?
what is the pull, the inconceivable
tug? is it love? is it wealth? is it
hope for happiness?
hope for an end?

my feet hurt, my brain regurgitates
these foul thoughts onto ***** plates
the kitchen sink now covered in
the whispers of lost lovers,
things we said back then

the smell of the flowers in the
garden sting the nostrils, the sweet
scent of that slow decay
the fossils of the promises
amongst the dead leaves &
fruit not safe to eat

the vibrant colors could bring a tear to my eye

i was told you'd be coming home
my back hurts, i've been laying
on the bathroom floor, I can hear the
termites in the walls, rats scurry
above the ceiling,

these wooden walls were meant to fall

but that's okay, we wanted it that way

my feet hurt, my back aches &
my head is ringing, it could
bring a tear to my eye and it
stings the nostrils

but i was told you would be coming home

i will fall with these wooden walls

that light is loud
&
these moments too short

my feet could never
move quick enough

it's hard to wrap
your mind around

the way things
seem to fall about

i could say it
louder

but i hate
to shout

i'd rather think
and walk around

solidarity in the
leaves on the ground

nature slightly
nurtures

with gentle
caress

whispers in the ear
soothing repress

the stars twinkle
for you

they're bright and
they're there

when you have drowned
sorrow

and didn't
even share

people start to twinkle
usable and they're there

while drowning your
sorrows

don't expect me to share

you wouldn't believe the things i've seen.  well, it's not like i've been around
for a long time or something but

let me tell you, i couldn't even begin to tell you

so many connections
so many seemingly important
separate reflections

rises and falls

scratches down walls

psychotic
neurotic

world in revolve

and i sit in high chair
judging each one and all

destinies laid bare before me

but all that desists,
vivid images, wisps,
and one thing now
begs more
focus
and
attention, concern
than all the others

why is it that
i always
do this after
i *******?

librarian type
who feels with the mind

with a thirst for knowledge
her eye on pleasure
starved for romance
and desperate for depth

you never stop reading

your passion is your work
and you work with passion

you don't stop reading
but the void doesn't fill

but the day will come
for worse or better
that you find me

like a book long forgotten

riddled with dust that
covers the complexities
but familiar to the touch

my soul, my words bare
yearning for the feeling
of your fingers on the pages

heart in the abstract

waiting to be the warmth
that holds you
the voice that quiets the others

waiting to be dissected
and understood

i wait to be with you

the night sky
is showcasing

the best
****** shot

I've ever seen

the ship has sailed

it has been met
with unfavorable conditions

and it has sunk

scarred ruins scattered
about the floor of the ocean

wood & fabrics
fragile things
making a place
for scavengers to lay

and the world will keep turning

the waters will still completely

the oceans will evaporate

and an underwater grave
will be visible from space

mermaid far from sea
from dreams, it would seem

how is it that the odds
are in my favor for once?

not only can you walk
the ground in
warm welcome
of your pretty step

you can talk

but above all else

you talk to me
you walk beside me

sea legs I see legs
they're there
so elegant
the way they
rest upon one
another

and time is the enemy
the one time it seems to be on my side
for once i want
it to stop completely

gravitational
sensation
pulls with
enchanted
verbalization

you smile
i can't help but to fixate on
that tender arch in your lips
i long for them

and i think that smile could be for me

for once i think it could be for me

I can't stomach the thought
of you being with me

but also
I can't live with knowing
you've gone on without

nana gave me cash
for gas

bless her heart

& I still spent half
on Pabst