there's enough moon up there for two to share*

you think to yourself
as you sit alone

girls go
for the whole

"ruin your life"
type,

right?

you think yourself
Karma's vessel
her honored servant
her right hand

you think yourself
righteous
but you come off
entitled

your pillars
soon will
crumble
into sand

misplaced malice
misguided mind
miscreant mentality

delusional eyes
looking in a fogged mirror

seeing what you
so strongly believe is there

you think yourself
Karma's courier

swift deliverance
but your tongue stings
and your cold stares
freeze without reason

but you are
merely the jester
your only real service
being that of entertainment

you think yourself
righteous
but you are nothing
more than a fool

with a world of growing up left to do

infatuation is such a
filthy thing, isn't it?

carpet ripped from underneath,
you get the wind knocked
out of you as your back hits the hard ground

staring blankly at the stars
that don't care enough to twinkle,
even the moon wouldn't pay you
a second glance

not even out of pity

self mutilation is
the realization

that I like you

transmuting gold back
into useless reagents

I like you

graduating from budding
to full-blown alcoholic

because I like you

you make a blue sky
turn gray

I like you

the sun won't ever
shine the same

it knows I like you

clouded clime
perpetual rain

chemical imbalance
impoverished brain

near insane
digging a grave

you
ruin
my day
because

I like you

morse code
tapping
on
table tops & stoves

sore nose
more so
more sore
soul

i am 7914 days old as i type this
and those days have been a blur

but nonetheless,
from the beginning-

those countless hours
spent on earth-

to this very
moment in time,

i don't think i've ever seen a more beautiful smile

the craziest part
is that when you really think about it

everything is different

compassion is scarce
and good will is now commodity

it hardly seems real

even then
hardly likely

the more you try
and wash it down
forced feelings
project out of your mouth

senlsessly you agree

disregard

fabricate

absorb

act

fail

regret

regress

but it's okay

life is all about sorrow
life is about  pain

life is all about being human

and how you still manage to make each day better than the last

it comes in waves
more so than any
thing i've put in my system

a brutal break
terrible kick
incapacitated by addiction

time went by
fooling myself
you went your way i went mine

but life don't let
you off so easy
fighting that tingle in the spine

counting down
pending relapse
thought myself further than i am

i'll avoid meeting
end hiatus greetings
but i'm only humbly a man

stronger now than ever
mind and soul
in confidences i now stand

you'll float on in
just like i've dreamt
but it's me who'll have the upper hand

fighting the drive
home every
second
that goes by

the shadowy trees
looming over me
mock
taunt

stop signs give
opportunity
for thought
to seep through

those loud
second thoughts
the ones
you hear over
music

louder than the night

invisible forces
guide my feet &
hands towards
the familiar

but

my eyes
mind
soul
search desperately
for something else

i don't know where you
lay
or where your loyalties lie
you may not
even be real at all

but there is something
that makes me
yearn to turn

away from the
obvious path before me

and towards that
immutable
stellar
pull

to immerse myself
in you;
in every sense
of phrase

but this long
dark road keeps
calling my name

the winding
expected
familiarity

so soon
won't release
it's grip on me

you smell of flowers
and the thought of your touch
has me running
and running
and running

through the field of them

they grow for you
they grow because
you wake up in the morning

they bloom because you breathe,
you sigh
your heart beats
and they open up with relief
because you are here

you exist

you make me feel
so wonderful
so very
wonderfully minuscule

in sadness
i am happy
because in that feeling
i am real

and real
is how
i long
for you

Grace
you have fallen

Grace
was once your name

your grace
was what transcended
the days in waves
sent to my brain

I hope that his feet
can move quick enough

to keep

up with the way
you floats
and sways

he'll need his
wit to hide
the self sabotage
balled up inside

controlling
corroding

i see it
though now i'm numb

It should have been
but never was
& now there's nothing
to be done
but let It wither
let It die
and be
scorched out in the sun

same places
new lows

old faces
low blows

endless races
none is known

brash tastes
& weakened bones

make it worth it
make it shown

but you'll regret
what you disclosed

falling downward
broken nose

the blood breeds
bitter prose

you can't
you can't
convince me, dear

that it's better outside
than it is in here

but i know how it goes

it's expected and accepted
to stare blankly into the eyes
of the horrors of the real world
with foolish resolve

and although i wasn't born a fool

more and
more each
day i'm a fool for you

but it's so cold outside

and thinking twice
is my favorite vice

but be patient; be mindful

because
i may only be making ripples
in your ocean

but you don't know
how heavy it is to throw
each and every stone

I wish that Katelyn lived closer

Drunk dialing would go a little more smoothly
for me if she at least lived in a neighboring city
I said I would crawl to you and I would
but I'd hardly make it to the end of the street
let alone over the state line before inevitable collapse

I wish that Kristi didn't disappear

My mind would be a little more at ease if I knew
why you vanished in the first place
Questions would have answers
ego would be pieced back together and
that foolish hopeful flame would (hopefully) be extinguished

I wish that Caitlyn wasn't so sweet

a cavity of the heart made the sugar maddening
but you still were so true
sometimes I find myself wanting that madness again
to be alone in company and calamity,
to feel someone's gaze in total love and acceptance;
most times I don't

I wish that Angie wasn't spoken for

I respect your loyalty, I do
You don't come by that very often
But don't you just want to cast that aside?
Don't you want to succumb and give in?
Just this once, let your desires win
But that's just my desire talking
Don't listen

I wish I wasn't so convinced now, so cold

All I know is the cruelty buried
underneath mesmerizing complexities

I also wish my **** didn't burn so bad coming out,
so, now I don't know what to think anymore

He wrote,
"I don't think I'm going
to go through with this
blind date thing"

"I heard the envy
in yor voice
& I don't like that I
made you feel that way"

"I've longed for you so long
& I thought it was only
in my head
but for once I feel
like you are longing too"

"I want to lay down with you,
only you"

She wrote back,
"Haha, okay."

you smile
you flaunt

and he's driving me insane

two dimensional
two sided
one of his heads leading
his game

but that's how it goes
it's one in the same

I'm just another face
in a drab sea of names

money lines his pockets
empty words
to keep warm

and on the other side
of the room

reality rocks
to sleep

the dreamer
the realist
the sadist
lost in wanting

a familiar scenario
not so long gone

a familiar feeling
emptiness in arms

soon enough, though
you'll be here

soon enough, I feel,
dreams will breach reality