In the early sun, a dew soaked swing set basks in rust as we play
I find your eyes at the window watching.
Smiling.
I am safe. I know this.
Concrete paints my knees red.
And you totter over with peroxide and a hug.
I am safe. I know this.
You'd find a path to the sun if only it stretched my popsicle lips into a smile.
I stalk home past midnight; a stomach gurgling with liquors I can't pronounce.
I find you on the couch flipping channels as your eyelids turn weak.
You approach me with a slap I was expecting.
Then a hug
Then a slap
Then a hug.
I am safe. I know this.
I'm panting with worry. My mind racing. Each thought like a poorly aimed bullet.
But you somehow find a way to extinguish them in your fists.
Until my smeary wet mascara stained cheeks swell into a laugh.
I am safe. I know this.

It is winter and you sense my eyes so flameless, fragile.
I am restrained by the presumptions of my fate.
My arms have been ripped from my sides so naturally you tear off your own limbs for my use.
Your appendage helps me to climb.
I'm out of the ditch. Because I am loved.
I am safe. I know this.  
It is industrial where the stringent work. I cower at the mass of its stolidity. But even then I find you, the earths drippy clay molding to my quirky nervous and dissatisfied self.
Everywhere else.
I am safe. I know this.
And my dear mother.
You are loved. I hope you know this.

I have a lot of monsters
Some are here and some are there
They hide inside my closet doors
Or whisper in my hair
They were made to **** me
And one day
One of them will win
But when I feel your arms around me
I don't let those monsters in

I said I wouldn't write about you just yet
And I won't.

Another. A face, celebrate
Its the last night of your show
Like mint candies hung around my neck
I found a new appreciation for the greenery
Tripping acid will do that to you.

I see things in a way
That was there before
But even more imaginative, free
I'll never forget
The closing in of the darkness
And the way my body looked outside
My skull 3 times its size.

I'm tired
For once, I feel tired
I have grown restless
In this place that oppresses with its perfection
I'm so use to hitting the pavement
And so scared of what I must do
Just don't let me return
With a pink garter on
The final night I saw myself
And knew I'd gone too far
But it got your attention.

It got your attention
As you parade and hide from your innermost truth
I admitted today
I can no longer hide and settle
Wear my sleeveless green dress
As you oohed and oozed
Where do you go when all is lost?

A sense of lightness, release
I no longer bury myself in the ground
For what I cannot control
But I do wonder
Do I flicker through your mind, at times?

He said my name twice
The ex who left me for dead
Because he was too much of a mess
And I don't know what anything will look like
But I found an old ripped up note
Where I was reassuring myself of the love with another
Who is now married
And not to me.

And I thought the other day
Thank god,
He was always, really
Pretty mean
And abundantly controlling.

A key and mirror facing my chest
A picture I drew long ago
It looks like me now.

I should have written more
I should have outlined more
This this this this this this this this
I miss every bit of everything I don't have

You must be asleep.
Perhaps you will greet me in the morning

But for now
I just really need opportunities
So why wait.

A kiss
and a cry
shouts of joy,
a tremulous sigh
soldiers come back
from faraway lands
reunited couples,
entwining hands
parents with balloons
and outstretched arms
children returning with groups,
safe from harm
myriad languages
bouncing off the walls
echoes of longing,
tears that fall
Airports are centers
of piquant emotion
and I sit, waiting for you
in excited devotion
thinking of how
you raised me,
on your side, alone
how oceans divide us
except for the phone
how we fight to keep
our connection alive
how your grandchildren
and I
are your source of pride
And so, mother of mine,
my hug waits in these arms
to burst forth to you
as you step off the storm
of longing and missing
into our calm and light
our renewed closeness
and bond
about to
take flight