4 am,drunk
thinking about you
feeling these feelings for you

crying, wiping the tears off
don't know if you should know,
the love i have for you

                                                       dazed & confused
                                                       what should i do?
                                                       do i have to do this?
                                                       what will i do without you?
                                                      
                                                       lying down & almost sober
                                                       called you, the love i have
                                                       gave'em to you
                                                       but i wasn't enough

drunk in the morning
nothing on my mind
but your body,
you being with somebody
but not with me

out of all the girls,
they were my "more alcohols to come"
but you, you, you're different
you're my "more poems to come"
and that's me being drunk in the morning.

Am I just a wheel?
Consuming meals?
A speck in blue sea?
Bound by what I see?
Life amongst trees?
Breathing means free?

Am I my beliefs?
The truth I seek?
Flag of a country?
Defined by currency?
A liability?
Part of society?

Am I what you see?
The way you judge me?
The values you pick?
First impressions stick?
Norm defined by you?
Do I dare to be rude?

No...

I am who I choose.
I fill my own shoes.
I win when I lose.
I create my own views.
I see black beyond blue.
I pick me over you.

Who are we?
I am me.
Who are we?
Depends on you.

People in my family look at me and say
Where has the time gone
All I say back is
Away

They look at me and say it all the time
Things like why did you grow up so fast?
Or stop growing up

I look at them and say
Something like what are you talking about? It took me years to look this fabulous
Or if I could I would

Sometimes my comebacks are silly
Sometimes they are serious

There is just that one question that I hate being asked
Where did that little girl go?
To that I say
She grew up
But in my head I think
she died a long time ago

They ask it all the time
And I say something different every time
But I always think the same thing

*that little girl died a long time ago

I pray
That one day you will stop
Stop hurting and stop cutting
I pray every night and everyday
That you will end up okay
I can't stop you so I just cry
I pray that you won't accidentally cut too deep
And that everything will be fine
Then I open my eyes and realize
Life doesn't have happy endings

I already know he doesn't love me
If he had he wouldn't have left
I know he hates me
I know he doesn't want to be my dad
I already know all of it
I know I'm the daughter he didn't want
And I know he never loved me
I'm unloved by him
It's something I've known for years
You don't have to keep reminding me that I'm unloved
Because I tell myself that everyday
I repeat in my head over and over again
Stop reminding me I'm unloved

You're back
Cool
I missed you
But you were gone
For almost 5 years
You can't just come back and pretend you were here
That's not how it works
Believe me I'm so happy you're back
But you missed so much
For five years you were gone
You cannot just pretend those five years never happened
It was hard for me
Really hard
I cried so much
Shedding so many tears
It hurt when you decided to disappear

one cut
two cut
three cut
four
cut a little
then cut some more*

It takes away my pain
But it would just be easier to end it all
I want to
The pain would be gone and so would I

I won't do it though
Because of him
He keeps me alive
He helps me thrive
I love him
He loves me
He makes me happy

He is the reason I'm alive