it feels good -
now that you've erased me



don't come back

everything is temporary
i think to myself momentarily
as i stand and watch the river's flow
like the blood
in my veins
but no longer yous
and i ask myself
"where do we go?"
but i sigh in relief
and smile to myself
because for you,
there is no more pain

i.
your hand on my elbow,
shoulder, wrist, and i
pretend not to
notice

ii.
you sing quietly on the
way home, like maybe i won't
hear you but
i always do

iii.
call me doll, and that's
okay,
i can be yours to
play with

iv.
we smoke together for the
first time, and you blow
rings, and i dance
for you

v.
chew me up, spit me
out, it's fine just as long as you
don't watch me clean my
messes

vi.
you mention your girlfriend's
name and i
crumble

i had a dream
and you were briefly in it
i woke up
and the room was
spinning
i put my glasses
on
and suddenly
the thought of you
was


gone

i like it when you look at me
except
i just don't think
you really look at me
maybe it's because  
i'm not the one you wanted to see
or maybe it's because
i'm looking for
an unspoken apology

i'm really happy
i swear i'm happy
i smile 'til my
face screams
and everyone asks,
"how are you, addie?"

i like it when you think about me
except
i just don't think
you really think about me
maybe it's  because
you don't even know me
or maybe it's because
you see right through me

i'm really okay
i swear i'm okay
i shrug my shoulders
and i sigh all day
and nobody ever asks
"are you sure you're okay?"

turtles are my favorite animal
because they have a shell
which is mostly convenient
because sometimes earth
can feel more like hell

you are my favorite criminal
because you make me smile
you are guilty
and you are gentle
but it's okay
you seem to make it
all worthwhile  

i am my favorite artist
because i hate everything that i do
and i try to stay inside this shell
but all these words and ideas
keep leading me back to you