Nobody warned me
That the feel of your body
Warm, curled into the hollow of mine
Would remain forever imprinted
On my skin
The smell of your hair
Splayed across the pillow
Forever lingering in my nostrils
The taste of your lips
Eager and restless against mine
Forever on my tongue

Two bodies
Both caught in the irresistible pull
Of a slowly quickening rhythm
A rising desire to strip away
Every bit of space that separated them
The rhythm eventually fading to stillness
Leaving only soft you, warm you
Your curves fitted to mine
Like the other half of a matching set

I wash you out of my mouth, my skin
And the dust gathers
Time passes, sensations fade
But all it takes is a single word
To trigger a memory
That sweeps the dust aside
Stunned, I stare at the lines of ink
Etched into my skin
A map of each place
Where your hands, your body met mine
The feel, the smell, the taste of you
Suddenly fresh again in my mind
And I ache for the warmth that was

There was only supposed to be one casualty.
That’s how these kinds of things work, right?
A perpetrator, and a victim.
The thief doesn’t lose his wallet.
The killer isn’t struck by his own bullet.
But somehow when I reached out
From the depths of the ice-bound pit
I could find no escape from
And ground out the flame
You had been nurturing so faithfully
The flame you tried to use
To warm my frozen hands
Revive my deadened heart—
I saw you break
Felt you shatter
As I broke the foundation
And watched everything we built
Crumble
But I didn’t see the collateral damage.
It was a killing curse
Rebounding off a heart protected by a family’s love
Striking instead the more fragile of the two
Sending a starburst network of cracks
Radiating through an icy suit of armor.
I’ve climbed out of the pit since then
(I think)
And the frozen armor could not withstand
The sun’s embrace
Turns out the jagged fracture lines cut
Completely through the ice
And now at the slightest touch
My porcelain heart
Shatters

It’s been three years.
As I drag myself from the wreckage of yet another crash
Lungs full of smoke and skin seared with burns
I can’t help but think of that day
Three years ago
When we stopped playing hide-and-seek
Each of us circling the same gorgeous little two-seater
Each of us refusing to believe we were not alone in the hangar—
When we finally climbed into the cockpit
Admitted that we wanted to fly this thing
And started preparing for takeoff.
It hummed to life like it had been waiting for us
To put our hands to the controls
Like it was not a machine to be flown
But a connection and extension of our very minds
How it leapt down the runway and soared into the sky!
How glorious the flight through clear blue skies!
How terrible the storm that hit.
Enveloped by black clouds
Tossed to and fro by the wind
We wrestled with the elements
And then my controls locked up.
A moment of panic—
“This thing can’t fly without two pilots!”
A desperate grab for the handle by my feet
One last look at my copilot
Then a sharp tug, a violent flinging into darkness.
I don’t know how you piloted out of that storm
How you got that thing out of the sky
But when I tracked you to the landing site
(After months frozen to my ejection seat
Numb and unable to move)
I could see it was in bad shape
Beyond repair? I didn’t think so
But I arrived just in time to see you walk away
Your helmet, left in the dust by a bent and twisted wing
The last reminder of you.
They say you’ve taken wing again
A new copilot at the controls
(I catch glimpses of a tiny speck high overhead sometimes)
And after three years I can naught but wish you well
But, burned and ****** from my last disaster
I cannot help but sit here on the ground
And dream of the sky.

I should be soaring
Winging my way to you, but
My wings have been clipped

I am fine
The earth has not stopped turning
It proceeds around the sun like it always has

I am fine
Chains of crippling sorrow do not bind me
Making it impossible to move, to think, to breathe

I am fine
Something is wrong with my eyes, though
Nothing looks quite like it should

I am fine
But where has all the color gone?

It seems the atmosphere
Is much thicker than we anticipated

I have passed by you before
As we both circle this rock that circles the sun
Friendly encounters, cheerful conversation
How’s that orbit treating you?
Did you see the storm cell over Bali?
In fact, these days it seems
Our paths are crossing more and more
Each time it’s easier and easier
To inch closer, linger a moment longer
Before our paths take us apart again.
I’ve crept too close--
A gentle nudge, a touch like heaven
But it has upset my orbit--
Not much, but just enough.
They say you’ll know when you start to fall;
Though it is slight, I can feel gravity’s pull
And I know it is only a matter of time--
I will circle ever closer toward that gaseous mantle
That blankets the world below
Until at last the atmosphere welcomes me
With open arms and a fiery embrace.
My doom is set
But that touch still burns in my mind
And I reach for you without thinking
Then freeze--
I will not drag you to my fate
I will not pull you down with me!
A soft hand slips tenderly into mine
My momentum tugs you out of your perfect orbit--
You know of the fate that awaits as well as I
Yet you choose it anyway.
The path now draws us down
But it is a path we will travel together:
Eventually we will meet the atmosphere
Lighting up the sky as it strips us bare
Strips us to nothingness
But as we blaze into the glorious unknown
Down below, they will see our trail through the sky
Cast their wishes on us in our final moments
And marvel.