Nothing seems to be going right in my life right now. Generally, I have not been very happy for the past... six months? Honestly, I am utterly unhappy and my depression and anxiety are worse.

It used to be about the man that I am in love with. If you are reading this, please do not feel burdened.

Now, it's about everything else in my life. I am restless and worried about so much. I want to move at my own pace but the universe keeps on testing me. I know that it's God's way of making me a better person, but good God, I am extremely unhappy. I cry all the time. If you ever see me put on a smile lately, you are in luck. Most of the time I can only see myself crying and wanting to **** myself.

I know that the universe has a plan, but good God, I am still trying to let go and accept and work hard. It's as if the circumstances won't allow whatever hard work I did to pay off.

I've contemplated suicide for more times than I could count for the past three months. I could feel its presence, its weight, and its shadow against the wall. I could imagine a life without me. I could imagine how my friends would be when they received that unexpected, dreaded information of a girl who died too young simply because her brain messed up her emotions. I could imagine the tears and guilt that my mother would have upon seeing my dead body. I could imagine the guilt and pain and anger that my father would feel upon reading my note. I could imagine it. I, too, could imagine you looking at my cold face, my hands and fingers covered in the shrouds.

I didn't want, though, to let their souls break because of my selfishness to leave the world without their permission.

So I will live.

I just need someone to talk to and to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I am currently not strong enough to do that on my own.

So many times I have fallen without
anyone there to catch me.

I understand now that my soul was begging me to fall into myself.

kmp

She’s tired and clammy and hot, and her head pulses and aches,

But she gets up anyway, to go and answer the door,

And everything spins, and tilts, and whirls,
And it is a blurry mess of revolving objects,
Where she can’t see anything,

But she must act normal,

And so she stands straight,
Smiles,
And lets the words he speaks reverberate around her brain,

As her vision slowly settles back in,

Only to go away again,
When she steps down to take the package back in,

And her head throbs,
And she pushes her glasses back up her nose,
As she puts the package down,
In hopes that it will help,
And like she already knows it wouldn’t - it doesn’t,

But when she pivots so she faces the delivery man once more,

Her face is calm, and cool, and the same,

And only when she has bowed her thanks,
And he has bowed his,
And she has closed the door after him --

Does she sink against the wall,
Waiting for the dizziness to pass,

And hoping that upon it’s return, it will be no worse,

Than it already is.