if only you knew
what i see when
i see your smile

if only you knew
what i felt
that one rainy day

if only you knew
how i feel
and what you mean to me

if only you knew
i went through the motions
of falling in love

if only i could tell you
if only i weren't afraid
if only
if only

i wrote this for you

I’m sitting in a rocking chair glass in hand
drunk on alcohol and drunk on thoughts
and all I can think about is the way
I placed flowers on your collarbones
that morning by the creek –
a lifetime ago
You offered him the daisies I plucked for you
from the far side of the mountain
in a heartbeat giving away
the flowers we had spent lifetimes
planting
And all I can muster to say
with my drunken thoughts
through a telephone call on a drunken whim –
“You forgot your flowers.”

More often than sometimes
there are days when I wake up
on the wrong side of the bed
and leave a piece of myself on my pillow
or perhaps in my dreams
I drag on for the rest of the day
as three-fourths a person
and one-fourth empty
up until the day is done and it’s time to sleep
then I find that piece of me

i stuttered
i gulped

wait. pause.

i took
deep breaths
the words
started to
spill out

wait. stop.

i held
my tongue

wait. breathe.

i smiled
no words
i said
everything

dancing ever so gracefully
humming a melody
only known by one
the soliloquy of a soul

two figures dancing separately
grace, poise, difference
the slow changes
intricate, incremental

they reach out

two figures dancing together
stumbling, falling, laughing
a tango to the wrong tune
without a care in world

You kiss my forehead
with a whisper “Good morning”
and as soon as I open my eyes
I smile
Seeing the sun’s rays filtering through
your auburn hair, illuminating
your hazel eyes
reminds me all that is good
about living
And I scream
Because I am awoken the next day
not by your sweet voice
or your lips on my forehead
And I’m still screaming
but all I hear is the cold sound
of a flat line
from your heart monitor
And I can’t remember
anything good
about being alive

midnight pulses
ring in my head
screaming, scratching
my world spins slower
i walk a tightrope

a dim corridor
a maze in my head
running, panting
there is no escape
from the voices
in my head