derelictmemory

derelictmemory Dec 2019

A drink by my side
A cigarette in my hand
A long dreary silence
A neglected heart

She sits by the water
She observes the sea
Can't take the silence
But she'll grin with a cup of tea

He leans on the railing
He gazes at the clouds
Yearning a little more
Needing a touch of femininity

derelictmemory Dec 2019

Never

I keep wandering this same path. Where I meet you and I fall in love then I lose you. It's like a cassette stuck on one side. I saw myself cry, when I thought of what my wedding vows would be if we ever reached that point in our lives. And while the tears stream down my face, you'd lift a hand and you'd wipe the tears and you'd take me in your arms. Then you'd whisper, "I'm here."

Let me tell you a story about two very broken people. It started with an invitation to a table. I saw you and I thought to myself, "I want to know him." At the time, I didn't know that I would get what I had asked for. I was young. Naive. Foolish.

It was love and loss and love and loss and love and loss and now there's nothing left but cigarette ash and a deafening silence I never thought I'd feel this deeply. I gave love on a silver platter and it was left on the sacrificial altar. By the time they tried to get it back, I could no longer provide that same love.

It's like being home and getting lost again. But I wouldn't trade it for any other.

derelictmemory Nov 2019

Lay Me Down

It wasn't within the days that I lost you
It wasn't in the breaks where I was without you

It was when you were holding my hand
It was when I was close to you
but I was so far away
I was so so far away

It wasn't when I yelled at you
It wasn't the moment tears streamed because of you

It was when I looked into your eyes and they were empty
It was when you told me you loved me
but I saw the crinkle in your left eye
it was telling
it was so so telling

lay down my heart for the night
lay down my soul
lay me down in the ocean
lat me sink into the cold

derelictmemory Feb 2019

The Love Of My Life

I met the love of my life
when my palms were still smooth
and my heart was still full.

The love of my life
was barely healing
while I was newly broken

When the love of my life
reached out to me
I would radiate warmth
but be encased in ice

When I reached out
The love of my life
would intertwine his fingers with mine
even though they were covered in thorns

We broke together
then we broke apart
The love of my life left me at 20
and all those years we lost
all the time we wasted
He is still the love of my life

I left the key under the mat
Just so he could find it
He held on to that key for the longest time
Before he finally used it
The love of my life came back to me

When the love of my life came back to me
I had just turned 23 and by then
My heart had been beaten, bruised, broken
My mind had been put back together
torn apart, and put back together again

When I saw the love of my life
for the first time in 3 years
I didn't know how to breathe
but I spotted him a mile away
He still smelled the same
and he still felt the same
like home

For the next six days
I got to experience the bliss
the ultimate peace of finally being home
For six days
I laughed and smiled
more than I had in a long time

When reality set in,
the love of my life
was not mine to love anymore
He made a life without me in it

I had done the same
but I kept a special space just for him
but like all homes
they eventually get run down
then they start to fall apart
until all that's left is just
the memories

The love of my life came back to me
but it's time for me to let go
it's time to actually move on
He was the love of my life
but
I was not the love of his life
I don't think I ever could be

#love #him #memories #heartbreak #movingon #life

derelictmemory Feb 2019

Coming Home

There were times where it felt like the ice crust over the bluebells on my favourite field

There were times where the air felt thin and my hands would shake from the sheer force of the wind

There were times when my heart drowned in such intimate sorrow I could barely make out the horizon

There were times where the short glimpses of light would reflect off the dew and I could taste the sweetness

There were times when the blizzard would catch my hair and everything seemed out of control

I'd take one step... Then another one...

One day, the sky was calm and the scratches riddling my arm would be at the peak of healing

One day, I heard laughter and shared laughter with people who shared and loved and gave and wanted simplicity

One day, the appreciation for joy, beauty and creativity breached the walls of my heart

One day, I found you again.

One day, I felt like I could breathe again.

I had seen you. I laughed by your side. I felt your warmth. I was next to you. I was with you. I experienced having your hand in mine again. I lived again.

Through all the necessary pain. Through all the lost time.
Through all those empty nights when it felt like you were missing from me.

None of it mattered anymore because I came home.

And after all that, i still managed to lose you again. You are still and always will be missing from me. All I want is for you to be happy. Even if that means I can't be the source of your happiness.

derelictmemory Mar 2018

Blindsided

I had never truly embraced love as i had with you by my side. It happened in a blink of an eye, like watching the sun set where you thought you had more time but nightfall came quicker than you realised.
I spent a long time hoping and dreaming and believing in our kind of love. Filled with a joyousness that left no crevice of my chest aching for fullness. There was a difference between the idea and the solidity of corporeality. It became a fission of emotional vulnerability and unadulterated passion within a second.
The love we shared engulfed my being like a tidal wave and left me breathless. It was as gratifying as it was painful in every sense. A connection of homogeneity of our wavelengths that left an ouroboros scarred into my heart every time you held my hand.
A natural phenomenon much like a typhoon sweeping in and destroying what we thought was permanent and leaving behind a quiet peaceful sleep before the aftermath hits. The bruises were in my soul and not on my skin. And an uncharacteristic gratefulness for having felt a love so deep, however temporary it may be.
This love. Our love. Blindsided me.
But there's no other way I'd rather it be.